My apologies if you get two copies of this...the first one seems
to have gotten lost in cyberspace!

<--------- --------->
<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->

<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>

PHWEEKLY is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
<a href=" ">Click</a>

Just over nine weeks until Christmas is upon us...and wow are the
stores stocked! Last weekend we were at our local "Wal-mart" (which
is going to cause the end of retailing as we know it)...and saw all the
new toys for kids! When I was a kid we got jigsaw puzzles and wooden all the toys are "interactive!" My favourite of this year is a
really simple thing called "Chicken Dance Elmo," don't get me
wrong...there is not a cat in hell's chance that I would ever buy that
for one of my kids...even if they were young enough to appreciate it...
I'm sure that Elmo singing that damn song would drive you up the wall
eventually. But what makes Chicken Dance Elmo so cool is when you
walk into Wal-mart and see that they have about 50 of them stocked
side by side on the shelf. A quick squeeze to each of them sets them
off and you get a really cool sounding shelf of dancing Elmo's! My wife
no longer goes into Wal-mart with me and my kids because she knows
what will happen. A couple of years ago it was "Bouncing Tigger" that
we did it to...we got a whole shelf of them bouncing...a Wal-mart
"associate" rounded the corner at full-speed ready to give hell to the
kids who were causing all the racket...but when she saw me she just
groaned and turned away! Being a mid-30s kid can have its advantages! ;)

Today's issue includes contributions by: Joni, Keli, Amy, Colorado
Kid, Rubin, Marsha, Tom, SunAmy, DA Funk, John.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@; ">Jokes</a>

Lets start with a quickie:

"Hey!" cried the girl to her boyfriend. "When are you going to take
me on that trip to Florida you've been promising me?"

"Ah never promised you a trip to Florida," drawled her boyfriend.
"Ah just said Ah was goin' to tampa with you."

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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The teacher stood in front of the class and asked the students,
"Has anyone in here ever felt stupid?" But she got no reaction.

She asked again, "Students, has anyone here ever felt stupid?"
But again, she got no reaction.

Finally she asked, "Okay students, if you have ever felt stupid,
please stand up."

For the longest time no one moved, but eventually Little Johnny
rose and stood next to his desk.

The teacher smiled and said, "Okay Johnny, now tell the rest of
the class when you have felt stupid."

Johnny replied, "Never teacher, but I just didn't want you to stand
all by yourself!"



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------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------

Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------

If today is your share it with:

1940 Jerzy Kulej Poland, light welterweight boxer (Olympic-gold-1964, 68)
1945 Divine (Harris Glenn Milstead) film actor, born Towson, MD. USA
1945 John Lithgow actor (Harry & the Hendersons)
1955 Lonnie Shelton NBA forward (NY Knick, Seattle Supersonics)
1955 Pat Klous Hutchinson Ks, actress (Marcy-Flying High, Judy-Love Boat)
1956 Sue Barker tennis pro (French Open 1976)
1960 Jennifer Holiday singer/actress (Dream Girls)
1960 Woody rocker (Voice of the Beehive-Let it Bee)
1962 Evander Hollyfield Heavyweight boxing champ (1990- )
1965 Maria Lee Ostapiej La Mess Calif, Miss Calif-America (1991)
1966 Amy Linker Brooklyn NY, actress (Lewis & Clark, Lauren-Square Pegs)
1966 Anna Clark San Francisco Ca, playmate (Apr, 1987)
1966 Sinitta rocker (Omn Sinitta)
1967 Amy Carter Pres Carter's daughter/peace activist

.....and on this day in history:

1950 UN forces entered Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea
1951 Pres Harry S Truman formally ends state of war with Germany
1953 1st jet transcontinental nonstop scheduled service
1953 Singer Julius LaRosa is fired on TV by Arthur Godfrey
1957 Maurice "Rocket" Richard, Mont, became 1st NHLer to score 500 goals
1959 Florence Henderson joins the Today Show panel
1960 France grants Mauritania independence
1960 Martin Luther King Jr arrested in Atlanta sit-in
1960 The US imposes an embargo on exports to Cuba
1963 Beatles record "I Want to Hold Your Hand"
1967 Igor Ter-Ovanesyan of USSR, sets then long jump record at 27' 4 3/4"
1967 Mariner 5 makes fly-by of Venus
1968 Golden Gate Bridge charges tolls only for southbound cars
1969 Oakland Darryle Lamonica passes for 6 touchdowns vs Buffalo (50-21)
1970 John Frazier kills Ohta's declares WW 3 has begun
1973 Ringo releases "Photograph"
1974 Det Red Wing Mickey Redmond scores the 1st hat trick against Wash Caps
1974 Detroit Pistons beat Trailblazers in Portland (next win 6-1-90)
1977 Supersonic Concorde jet's 1st landing in NYC
1980 Steve McPeak rides 101'9" unicycle
1981 LA Dodgers beat Montreal Expos for NL pennant
1982 Automaker John DeLorean arrested on cocaine charges (Not guilty)
1983 Columbia moves to Orbiter Processing Facility
1986 USSR expells 5 US diplomats
1987 "Black Monday"-Dow Jones down 508.32, 4 times previous record
1987 Billy Martin hired as manager of NY Yankees for 5th time
1987 US warships destroy 2 Iranian oil platforms in Persian Gulf
1988 3 Americans win Nobel in physics; 3 W Germans win chemistry Nobel
1988 Britain bans broadcast interviews with IRA members
1988 Car bomb kills 7 Israelis, wounds 11 near Lebanon border
1988 Roxette releases "Roxette Look Sharp!" album
1988 S Afr anti-apartheid leader Sisulu wins $100,000 Human Rights prize
1988 Senate passes bill curbing ads during children`s TV shows


An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As
the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope,
he began muttering, "Oh oh !"

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do
you smoke ?"

"No", replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?

"No." replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur,
you'll have to give up half your sex life ".

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the

----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------

The Christmas Shopping Season is about to begin!

Check it out
<a href=" ">Poll</a>

-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that
-Jack Benny

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

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Catching The Bouquet
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Little Johnny was eating lunch with Billy at
school one day. Out of the blue, he asked Billy,
"If you woke up in the middle of a forest,
covered in Vaseline, stark naked, in a sleeping
bag and your ass was killing you, would you tell

"No, I'd be too embarrassed," replied Billy.

"Wanna go camping?" Johnny asked.

-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------

A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:

[Returns next issue!]

Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott
Check out more at:
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Cyber Pregnancy
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Cyber Chat
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A new baby, when he was still in hospital, said to
the little babe lying next to him, 'I know I am a boy!'

The other baby said, 'What! How DO you know that??'

'Well, it's under the blanket; I can show you...'

'Show me! Show me!'

'SSST! Wait till the nurses are gone...'

A few minutes later: 'I can show you now. Watch!'

Slowly the baby lifted up his blanket, the other baby
peeking under it. 'Can you see it?' The first one said,

'You see it, down there?'

'But WHAT should I see?'

'I'm wearing blue socks!!'


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------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------

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"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family

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[A Classic!]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday
morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched
in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome
of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one
of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together
at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist:
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she
told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a
few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the
fetal position still clasping his hands together at his

But she persisted, and finally he allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side,
she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She
began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell."

--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------

If someone with multiple personalities threatens
to kill himself, is it considered a hostage

-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------

Where did the county form of government originate?

A. Rome
B. Britain
C. France
D. Spain

<Answers in Next Issue!>


Last Issue's Answers:

What do the balas ruby, the Bohemian ruby, the Siberian ruby, the
American ruby, Cape ruby, Montana ruby, and Rocky Mountain have in

A. They are not really rubies

Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications

Keli, Wendy and Anni were roommates. One night they had all
gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same

Keli said, "You know you've been on a good date when you
come come with your hair all messed up."

Wendy said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when
you come home with your makeup all smeared."

Anni said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her
panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
"Now THAT was a good date!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Thief Caught In The Act
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Adopt These Boys
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I Have A Question
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Oral Sex Before And After Marriage
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Internet Camera
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---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------

<To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will
now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully
smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are
requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation
is expected.>

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join
a local bikers club. One day she goes up and knocks
on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with
tattoo's all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet
certain biker requirements in order to join.

The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?

The little old lady replies "Yep ... my bike's parked
over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper
in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish.
I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a
chimney. At lease two packs of cigarettes and three
joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while
I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question,
have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope,
but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

<End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products
once more>
---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------

In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the

October 19th 2000
<a href=" ">Click</a>


Do you love PHWeekly? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link amount is too small!
<a href=" ">Click</a>

--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------

PNN has just won the broadcast rights to the World Origami
Championships. Unfortunately it will only be available on paper


Anna Nicoles Treasure Chest Game
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Strip Poker With Grandma or Grandpa
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What A Time For The Duracell To Die
<a href=" ">Click</a>

Lonely & Sad
<a href=" ">Click</a>


Here was a businessman, and he was not feeling well,
so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says
to him, "Well, it must be your diet. What sort of
greens do you eat?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate
all other green foods."

The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well
man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging
up your system, you'll have to give them up!!"

The guy says, "But for how long? I mean I really like

The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."

The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go
and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes
that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night,
years later, he's at a convention for his employer and
getting quite sloshed, and one of the reps says, "Well,
ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in
four years, I gave it up."

Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really,
I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost
me my first marriage, so I gave it up!"

The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a
pea in 6 years."

The barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone
who can't swim, grab a table..."


Get your condoms here!
<a href=" ">Click</a>


"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the
defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife
in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a
pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and
not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a
different man every day!"

--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

Magic Card Trick
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Call Girl
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Guess Which Cat Ate Your Prozac
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Misfortune Cookies
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Women Waiting For The Perfect Man
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-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------

A Romanian couple allegedly caught having sex in
their car in front of a police station have been
acquitted due to a lack of evidence.

The young lovers, from Livezi, Vilcea county,
whose names and exact age were not made public,
were discovered by a police patrol but denied the

A court revoked the $500 public indecency fine the
police gave them over a lack of sustainable

The policeman who discovered the couple says the girl
was completely naked and he had to wait for her to get
dressed before taking the couple into the police
station to be charged.

He told the RomNet news agency: What proof do they
need? I saw them with my own eyes.

"They had just come out from the discotheque, got into
their car which was parked in front of the station and
began having wild sex.

"I could actually see the brake lights turning on and
off when they accidentally touched the pedal."

Weird News is a daily feature of contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:news@; ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" ">Lists</a>

Buzz went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about
my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture."

The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's
probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude
picture for?"

Buzz said, "Her driver's license."

-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------

[||||] S I G N O F T H E C R O S S H A I R S [||||]

Pulpit Punjab Jerry Falwell has been placed on the death list by Iran's
top Muslim cleric, Mohsen Mojtahed Shabestari, for calling Mohammed a
terrorist. (AP)

And Jer thought outing a gay Teletubby was risky.

Copyright 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.

A heart-warming story of the advances of women in
achieving equality throughout the world...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait
several years before the Gulf War. She noted that
women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their
husbands, in the Muslim tradition.

Barbara returned to Kuwait recently and observed that
men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms.
Walters approached one of the women and observed,
"This is marvellous. Can you tell the free world just
what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.


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--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------

A Set Of Big Berthas
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What Exactly Is An SOB
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My Ex Was Really Good In Bed
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New AOL Icons
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---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------

I recently investigated a burglary at a local lottery
and coffee shop in my hometown. The 18 year-old thief
had just watched a movie where the bad guy used a
credit card to force open a door. Wanting to use his
newly gained knowledge but not having a credit card,
our rocket scientist decided to use his Pennsylvania
driver's license in its place. In the process of trying
to throw the lock, the license broke off behind the door
trim. You guessed it, picture and address left behind at
the scene. $300.00 in cash was taken, several hundred
dollars of instant lottery tickets and $300-500 dollars
of watches, cigarettes, lighters and adult magazines.

Wanting to celebrate his new life of crime, our genius
goes to another store and buys a couple cases of beer. He
then goes to a friend's apartment where they rub off the
stolen lottery tickets and divide the loot. Brain surgeons
1 & 2 now get intoxicated and fall asleep. The owner of
the store comes into work, discovers the theft, calls into
the lottery officials and gives them the serial numbers of
the stolen tickets.

Our Nobel Prize winners now wake up and decide to cash in
on their winnings. They walk into a local Turkey Hill
convenience store that has a surveillance camera and hand
the clerk the stolen winners. The clerk tells them that the
tickets aren't any good because they were reported stolen by
the coffee shop owner. The geniuses get disgusted and go
back to #2's apartment. On the way into the apartment
building # 1 decides to give the stolen tickets to a
neighbor they don't like. Then they go to # 2's apartment
and pass out once again.

Brain Surgeon #3 takes the tickets to the same Turkey Hill
store and tries to cash them in. The clerk informs her they
are stolen from the lottery store. No one has called the
police yet. Number 3, wanting to get out of trouble, takes
them back to the lottery store and tells the owner of the
night's events. Now he decides that he is going to call the
police and let them in on the laugh.

Brain surgeons 1 and 2 are now spending time together in a
smaller apartment (4 X 6 feet) and have a room without a


What is the definition of "Brass Balls "?

When your wife catches you in bed with another woman
and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next darling !"


Are You Ready For Some Football?
By Doug Powers

This is the time of year when men all across the country become giddy
with anticipation. It's the season when men begin checking their remote
controls for proper function, arrange a redundant backup system in case
of systems failure in remote number one, kiss their wives good-bye, and
do their part for the economy by bravely pushing Frito-Lay and
Anheuser-Busch stock to new heights. It's a time when blood, sweat, and
tears are shed, and yet we bravely move forward undaunted-- mainly
because it's not our blood, sweat, and tears. That's right folks, it's
almost football season.

Real football fans have already had the Hank Williams Jr. song, "Are you
ready for some football" bouncing around inside their heads since about
two weeks after last years Pro Bowl. When football season ends, you can
sense a distinct national depression among the male population. Some men
jump straight into hockey season for an uninterrupted supplication of
their violence needs, but most go into a hibernation not seen since a
grizzly bear ate a camper whose pockets were stuffed with Benadryl.

Unfortunately for my team, the Detroit Lions, when they hear, "Are you
ready for some football?" They collectively yell back, "No!" I'm stuck
here in Michigan, a Lions fan by geographic default. I often sit back
and envy people who live in cities that more or less usually have good
teams. Those of you in Pittsburgh, Green Bay, St. Louis, and so on,
might not fully appreciate how good you have it. Try being a fan of a
team that wins so rarely, it's become more of a solstice than a victory.
At least if you go to a Lions game you get a chance to see lots
of points racked up... by the other team. The Lions secondary gets
scored on like Madonna while in New York City during Fleet Week.

I don't mean to pick on my team. The true fan understands when his team
is in a rebuilding century. On the plus side, we've now got a nicer
stadium than the more victorious cities. Ownership has forgone attempts
to bring a victorious team to Detroit, and has instead opted for comfort
via a nice new stadium. Like a crack dealer that drives a really nice
Cadillac, we're complete losers, but losers in style. The Lions new
home, Ford Field, cost $300 million. That means that if this year is
like last year, we're paying $150 million per victory. Show me any other
city willing to make that kind of commitment.

With the anticipation building as another football season approaches,
men aren't the only ones who are excited. Football has seen a tremendous
growth in the number of female fans, and they can't wait for the season
to start either. Even the women who aren't football fans are excited at
this very moment. Not because it's almost football season, but because
as I write this, it's almost time for Oprah.

With the beginning of football season comes events and happenings that
are purely American. Excluding Parliament, who else in the world puts on
silly big wigs, paints their faces, chests, and whatever else, and make
complete fools of themselves on national television? In what other
country could you see a child awestruck after meeting his favorite
multi-millionaire football hero, and later see his father try to explain
to him why the same player's picture is on a bulletin board at the post
office? Where else can you turn on your television and wonder why an
undercooked spiral sliced ham is talking to you, only to find out that
it's John Madden? Where else would you find people who were so convinced
they were the best that they could declare themselves "world champions"
even though the never played anybody outside of the contiguous 48
states? That's what helps make this America, and that's why we love

It's almost here. I can envision game day already. I can smell the ribs
cooking on the barbecue and see the people consuming beer like water at
a tailgate party. There's a man deep frying a turkey in a gutted washing
machine basin. I see a guy with a chunk of cheese on his head who has
passed out drunk in the parking lot, forcing a griller to improvise and
serve burgers to his guests using the man's back as a serving tray.
Another group nearby is bowling, using empty vodka bottles as pins and
knocking them down by rolling a half empty keg at them. I look at my
watch. It's only eight a.m. Still five hours to kickoff. Awesome.

Are you ready for some football? I am.

copyright 2002 by Doug Powers


Doug Powers is a writer of humor who maintains his summer home in
mid-Michigan, and in the winter he moves to the south side of the same house
and deludes himself into thinking that he has a winter home. He is
constantly proofread by his wife and three children. In addition to columns
and stories, Doug writes all kinds of short form humor, topical jokes, etc,
for Laugh.Com and Airborne Entertainment, supplying humor content to
wireless internet subscribers worldwide, except for maybe Calcutta and
Bangledesh. Doug can be reached via his website at or

Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:editorial@; ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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--------------------IMPORTANT INFORMATION!--------------------
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