ΣΏΣ<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ΣΏΣ
and
ΣΏΣ<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ΣΏΣ
presents
<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!--------------------->
<-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------>
PHWEEKLY is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
<a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/phweekly.html ">Click</a>
Well an interesting week in the UN...it seems as though US President
George W Bush may be forced to act against Iraq with a few less friends
supporting him...maybe that is a sign that now is not the time to take
action against Iraq! I am not saying that Iraq is not guilty of things...and
I am not saying that Saddam Hussein is innocent...but do we really need
another war that is going to end up accomplishing NOTHING! I say let the
UN continue and hopefully things will work out...let Iraq worry about Iraq...
anything the US does against Iraq will have huge impact on the rest of the
world!
On a lighter note...check out the website that my son and I recently built..
this is a new concept for us and is getting some really great reviews...you
can also be a part of the site as your contributions towards making it bigger
and better are always welcome...check out:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">wastedwebspace.com</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
Today's issue includes contributions by: Nevanish, Rubin, Greg, D.A. Funk,
John, Colorado Kid, Carol.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ΣΏΣ-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Lets start with a quickie:
A little boy sneaks up behind a girl. "BOO!" yells the boy.
"Hey!" exclaims the girl, you scared me half out of my pants!"
The boy responds, "BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO!"
ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Am I A Microwave
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/micro.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/micro.html ">Am I A Microwave</a>
Hospital Mishap
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mishap.html
<a href=" http http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mishap.html ">Hospital Mishap</a>
Pussy In His Pants
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pinp.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pinp.html ">Pussy In His Pants</a>
ΣΏΣ------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
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ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
A huge biker enters a room where a 3 year-old toddler is playing.
When the toddler sees the guy he becomes overjoyed, "Gee,
are you my new baby sitter?"
"No," says the biker. "I'm your new mother fucker."
ΣΏΣ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ΣΏΣ
LIKE MY LIST?
Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend?
Vote Now :
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ΣΏΣ----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ΣΏΣ
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1950 Donna Hanover Giuliani TV news anchor (WPIX)/wife of Mayor Giuliani
1950 Nikolai Sergeivich Grekov Russia, cosmonaut
1951 Melissa Manchester Bronx NY, singer (Don't Cry Out Loud)
1951 Jane Seymour [Joyce Frankenberg], Middlesex England, actress (Dr
Quinn, East of Eden, Lassiter)
1953 Derek Conway British MP
1954 Matt Groening cartoonist (Life in Hell, Simpsons)
1955 Bev Francis Australia, world women's power-lifting champion
1955 Clive Aslet British editor (Country Life)
1956 Desmond Haynes cricket (West Indies opener-greatest batsman in 1-day
history)
1956 Hilda Beatriz "Hildita" Guevara Cuba, daughter of "Che" Guevara
1957 Bienvenida Buck Velencia Spain, lover of British Peter Harding
1957 Charles Edward Pevensey Tennant aristocrat
1957 Jake E Lee rocker (Badlands-Dreams in the Dark)
1959 Ali Campbell British reggae vocalist/guitarist (UB40-Red Red Wine)
1959 Guy De Alwis cricket wicket-keeper (Sri Lankan mid 80s)
1959 Joe Hesketh US baseball player (Boston Red Sox)
1960 Mikey Craig rock bassist (Culture Club-Do You Really Want to Hurt Me)
1960 Darrell Green NFL cornerback (Washington Redskins)
1960 Jeanne Goldsmith Los Angeles CA, WPVA volleyballer (National-5th-1987)
1962 [Babette] Renee Props Oklahoma, actress (Ellie-As the World Turns, Get
Shorty, Weird Science)
1964 Chris Farley actor (Saturday Night Live, Wayne's World, Coneheads)
1964 Mark Price NBA guard (Washington Bullets, Orlando Magic)
1965 Craig Matthews cricket pace bowler (South African Test)
1966 Melido Perez Dominican/US baseball pitcher (New York Yankees)
1966 Petra Huber Austria, tennis star
1967 Michael Easton actor (Ally McBeal, Total Recall 2070, VR.5,
Tanner-Days of Our Lives)
1968 Kurt Robin McKinney Louisville KY, actor (Ned-General Hospital)
1968 Michael Easton Los Angeles CA, actor (Tanner-Days of Our Lives)
1969 Brian Williams Lancaster SC, pitcher (Detroit Tigers, Astros)
1969 Edgar Bennett NFL running back (Green Bay Packers-Superbowl 31)
.....and on this day in history:
1950 Walt Disney's "Cinderella" released
1950 KENS TV channel 5 in San Antonio TX (CBS) begins broadcasting
1950 WM Inge's "Come Back, Little Sheba" premieres in New York NY
1950 WSYR (now WSTM) TV channel 3 in Syracuse NY (NBC) begins broadcasting
1954 1st bevatron in operation-Berkeley CA
1954 WRDW TV channel 12 in Augusta GA (CBS) begins broadcasting
1955 1st pilot plant to produce man-made diamonds announced
1956 Pirates & Kansas City A's cancel an exhibition game in Birmingham AL,
because of local ordinance barring black from playing against white
1956 Urho Kekkonen appointed President of Finland
1957 Andrei A Gromyko succeeds Dmitri Shepilov as Soviet foreign minister
1958 Ice Dance Championship at Paris won by June Markham/Courtney Jones
Great Britain
1958 Ice Pairs Championship at Paris won by Barbara Wagner/Rob Paul of CAN
1958 Ladies Figure Skating Championship in Paris won by Carol Heiss of USA
1958 Men's Figure Skating Championship in Paris won by David Jenkins USA
1958 Sjafroeddin Prawiranegara forms anti-government of Middle Sumatra
1959 Antonio Segni forms Italian government
1959 Louise Suggs wins LPGA St Petersburg Golf Tournament
1961 Entire US figure skating team of 18, dies in Belgian Sabena 707 crash
1961 Australia beat West Indies 2-1 in one of best Test Cricket series ever
1962 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1963 1st US female world figure skating champion (Tenley Albright)
1963 Ken Lynch records "Misery", 1st Lennon-McCartney song by someone else
1964 Beatles' "Meet the Beatles!" album goes #1 & stays #1 for 11 weeks
1964 Bill Bradley scores 51 points for Princeton
1965 Canada replaces the Union Jack flag with the Maple Leaf
1965 John Lennon passes his driving test
1966 Kees Verkerk becomes world champion all-round skater
1967 1st anti-bootleg recording laws enacted
1967 French Diadθme 1-D satellite launches into Earth orbit
1967 Longest dream (REM sleep) on record, Bill Carskadon, Chicago (2:23)
1967 D66 (D'66) wins 7 seats in Dutch 2nd Chamber
1968 Anaheim's Les Salvage scores 10, 3-point baskets in ABA game vs Denver
1968 WVUT TV channel 22 in Vincennes IN (PBS) begins broadcasting
©2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning,
addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the
work of the devil.
"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to
lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from
which would he drink?"
A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye,
Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."
The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you
tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?"
The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure I can
tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass."
ΣΏΣ----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ΣΏΣ
Deer Me
by Lynette
There are two deadly seasons in this part of the world
for the deer and their automobile prey: In the Spring
when a young buck's fancy turns to love or more accurately,
when the antlers aren't the only thing horny, if you get
my drift, and now, during the autumn migration.
Here in Central Oregon, we have long suspected that the
rising toll resulting from deer vs. automobiles encounters
is no accident.
Until now, we have not had proof.
Until now.
More?....
<a href=" http://home.bendcable.com/lynette/deerme2.html ">Click</a>
http://home.bendcable.com/lynette/deerme2.html
ΣΏΣ-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ΣΏΣ
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little
things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff
you pay good money for in later life."
-Emo Philips.
ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ
YES She IS Naked
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/naked.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/naked.htm ">YES She IS Naked</a>
Nice Butt
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nicebutt.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nicebutt.html ">Nice Butt</a>
Not Your Day
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/notyourday.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/notyourday.html ">Not Your Day</a>
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor
notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed
attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it
like you do your husband's penis".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners
down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now
just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."
ΣΏΣ-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------ΣΏΣ
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at:
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
"Wow, I can't believe our luck." Yelped Prince.
"Let's grab this stuff and get it back home." said Sam.
The dogs fit as much as they could into their jaws and began to follow their
scent back home. They decided to eat some right away since they were starving
but also agreed to save some for later.
"Wait until the cats hear about this." Exclaimed Sam. "I wonder if they found
anything"?
"Hold on"!" Growled Rex. "You plan on telling the cats about this"?
"That's what we agreed to."
If they made this find do you think they would tell us about it"? Rex queried.
Copyright 2001-03 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Glad I Dont Have To Answer Their Phone
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/phatphuc.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/phatphuc.html ">Glad I Dont Have To
Answer The Phone Here</a>
Pope On A Rope
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/poperope.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/poperope.html ">Pope On A Rope</a>
Okay I Am Wearing My Protection. Now What?
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/protect.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/protect.html ">OK I Am Wearing
Protection. Now What?</a>
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical,
only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious.
Here she's in the middle of her first term as Senator
of New York and this has happened to her. She calls
home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts
screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With
all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!
How could you? I can't believe this! I just
found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your
fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?
"There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally she
hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely
audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"
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ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a
saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a
woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he
not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of
liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm
going to throw him a big party."
ΣΏΣ--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ΣΏΣ
Penis: The only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.
ΣΏΣ-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ΣΏΣ
10. There are all sorts of insects you do not want to invade your
garden. Which bug is actually GOOD for your garden?
A. Leafhopper
B. Aphid
C. Thrip
D. Wasp
<Answers in Next Issue!>
09/02
Last Issue's Answers:
The British occupied Detroit on November 29, 1760, and took over the other
French posts the following year. However, the native people had become
quite friendly with the French, and many of them resented the British, who
gained a reputation as unscrupulous traders. What was the name of the
Indian chief who led the 1763 rebellion against the British?
A. Pontiac
QQ: In the spring of 1763, an alliance of Native Americans led by the
Ottawa chief Pontiac rebelled against the British. Tribes attacked British
posts along the frontier from Pennsylvania to Lake Superior and captured
most of them, including Fort Michilimackinac and Fort Saint Joseph in
Michigan. Pontiac led the attack on Detroit but failed to capture it, then
kept the fort under siege for more than five months. Pontiac finally
withdrew from Detroit when he learned that he would receive no help from
the French, who had signed a treaty ceding all of New France to Great Britain.
© Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
I heard about a college girl who went to a fraternity beer
party, got drunk, spent the night with one of the frat boys
and soon discovered she was pregnant.
After her baby was born, she decided to write a book about
her experience, which she chose to call:
"From Beer to Maternity"
ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ
See Through Bikini
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/seethru.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/seethru.html ">See Through Bikini</a>
Wanna Redeem This Coupon
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sexcoupon.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sexcoupon.html ">Wanna Redeem This
Coupon?</a>
Russian Synchronized Swim Team
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/swimteam.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/swimteam.html ">Russian Synchronized
Swim Team</a>
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that
they could live if they pass a trial. The first step
of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces
of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate
ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king,
"I brought ten apples." The king then explained
the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or
you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he
winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to
himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...
6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in
laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost
got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't
help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
ΣΏΣ-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ΣΏΣ
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ΣΏΣ---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ΣΏΣ
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
The FINAL PHWeekly issue that was published on Topica:
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m804.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m804.html
ΣΏΣ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ΣΏΣ
Do you love PHWeekly? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
ΣΏΣ--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Bill Clinton applauded President Bush's $15 billion program to stem the
tide of AIDS in Africa. The world is officially upside down. The
number-one golfer is black, the number-one rap star is white, and Bill
Clinton is promoting safer sex.
ΣΏΣ------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Mooxil
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mooxil.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mooxil.html ">Mooxil</a>
Bursting Bubbles
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bubbles2.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bubbles2.html ">Bursting Bubbles</a>
Mammary Memory
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mammem.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mammem.html ">Mammary Memory</a>
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Greg went to the doctor complaining about Premature
Ejaculation...so the doctor gave him some cream to
put on his penis to help prolong his erection and told him
to come back in a couple of weeks.
Two weeks later, Greg returns to the doctor and the doctor
asks him how it is going.
Greg replies that it is worse than ever..."I come while rubbing
the cream on!"
ΣΏΣ--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ΣΏΣ
Get your condoms here!
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ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
A man who was born, reared, and educated in New York took
a job in Mississippi after college. He liked Mississippi
so much that he stayed, married, and had a family. When
his widowed father retired, he invited him to move to a
nice retirement community near him. His father, tired of
the cold New York winters, decided to give it a try.
After a month of living in the retirement community, he and
his son were having dinner together and the son asked, "Dad,
how do you like living in the South after all those years in
New York?"
"Well, son," he replied. "I like it a lot. The people are really
friendly and everyone seems to have a nickname. For instance, Tom
is called "The Mechanic" by everyone in spite of the fact that
it has been over 20 years since he has worked on a car. Bill has
not practiced medicine for at least 15 years, but everyone still
calls him "Doc."
"So, Dad, do you have a nickname?" "Yes, I do. Even though I have
not had sex in the 10 years since your mother died, everyone
refers to me as that "Fucking Yankee."
ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Too Hot For Him
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/toohot.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/toohot.html ">Too Hot For Him</a>
Why Some People Should NOT Play Twister
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/twister.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/twister.html ">Why Some People
Should Not Play Twister</a>
Zodiac Signs
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill19.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill19.html ">Zodiac Signs</a>
ΣΏΣ-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ΣΏΣ
One of the people tipped to win the US version of Pop
Idol has been kicked out of the contest for featuring
on a porn website.
American Idol's Frenchie Davis is said to have posed
topless and performed sex acts on a site four years
ago.
The website claims to feature naked underage girls,
but Frenchie was over 18 when she appeared, reports
the Daily Record.
She says she only took the job to earn money to go to
Harvard University, where she is now a 23-year-old
theatre student.
The show's executive producer, Nigel Lythgoe, said
Frenchie was dumped "because of a mistake she made when
she was 18 or 19".
He said the site included a live video section, where
"I believe you can state what you would like the lady to
do and the lady does it".
All traces of Frenchie have been removed from the website
of American Idol's maker, Fox TV which has been bombarded
with complaints from fans of the singer.
Fox said Frenchie will be replaced on the February 25
edition of the show. But American Idol's co-producer,
record company 19 Entertainment, pledged to do all it can
"to help Frenchie further her music career".
19 is run by Lythgoe, former Spice Girls boss Simon Fuller,
and American Idol's "Mr Nasty" Simon Cowell.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
A man is feeling very ill, so he goes to see his doctor
and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo
tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private
room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from
your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty
Sexually Transmitted Disease!"
Oh my God, doctor! What are you going to do?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."
ΣΏΣ-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ΣΏΣ
[||||] D I R E C T M A I L [||||]
"The Pentagon has leaflets that might be dropped to warn Iraqis not to
help Saddam or his aides flee." (USA/2/11)
On the reverse side of which is a discount coupon for a Family Bucket at
Baghdad's popular Kentucky Fried Roadrunner.
Copyright © 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ΣΏΣ--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Sam and Greg, two big, brawny bouncers were walking
home from a late night out when Sam said, "When I get
home, I'm gunna rip my old lady's panties off!"
"Geez, why would ya do that?" asked Greg.
"Cuz the fucken elastic is killin' me!" Sam replied
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ΣΏΣ--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ΣΏΣ
My Cooking Sucks
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/wife2.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/wife2.html ">My Cooking Sucks</a>
How M & M Minis Are Made
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mmminis.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mmminis.html ">How M & M Minis Are
Made</a>
I Miss My Exs Little Romantic Statements
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill49.html
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill49.html ">I Mis My Exs Little
Romantic Statements</a>
ΣΏΣ---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ΣΏΣ
LARGO, FL -- At first, it seemed like the burglar had
caught a lucky break.
The man walked onto the Silver Bar's patio and tried the
door. It was unlocked. The burglar stepped inside.
He didn't go to the cash registers, which were empty
anyway. Instead, he started pilfering the booze.
He swiped 26 bottles of beer, most of them Michelob
Lights. He also collected four bottles of the hard
stuff: Stoli Vodka, Absolut Vodka, Capt. Morgan's
coconut rum and 1800 Tequila.
That's more than one man can carry, so the burglar shed
his Dallas Cowboys jacket and started using it as a bag.
He stuffed bottles in the arms and pockets and hauled
the glass-bulked jacket outside the bar.
But unbeknown to the burglar, he had tripped a silent
alarm. And when a police officer walked up to the bar and
put a flashlight in his face just before 6 a.m., the
burglar dashed away.
Police searched for about an hour, but the man got away.
He did leave something behind: the Dallas Cowboys jacket.
And inside one of the pockets were documents with a man's
name, date of birth and personal information.
ΣΏΣ---------------------ADVERTISING---------------------------------ΣΏΣ
This ezine is for sale...interested parties please contact me at:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Details will be given to persons with a real interest in continuing to
publish a quality ezine.
ΣΏΣ---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ΣΏΣ
Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade!
ΣΏΣ--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ΣΏΣ
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"MICHAEL JACKSON NEEDS TO GET REAL"
If you're one of the few people who missed the recent
documentary "Living With Michael Jackson," let me summarize
it for you in four words: Michael Jackson is weird.
So weird that he deserves his own reality TV series. So
weird that he makes Mike Tyson look like a Boy Scout. So
weird that the United Nations should immediately hire him as
a peace negotiator -- just in case aliens ever attack earth.
Michael: "Hello! Please take me to your leader. I've come to
discuss peace."
Alien: "Hello! Vat planet are you from? Ve are angry vith
the earthlings, not vith you. Please return to your
spaceship."
Perhaps the weirdest thing is that the onetime King of Pop
allowed British journalist Martin Bashir and a camera crew
to follow him around for eight months, expecting a
sympathetic portrayal. He apparently thought Bashir would
edit out all the bizarre scenes or at least interpret them
positively: "At first I believed that Michael was
endangering his infant son by dangling him from the balcony.
But then I realized he was just showing other parents what
not to do. It was brilliant -- a great way to get a
parenting tip on the evening news."
Michael hoped to show the world that he's a good father to
his three children. But in eight months of filming, there
are bound to be some missteps. There are bound to be moments
when one kid is acting up and you have to use all your
energy, all your parenting skills just to keep him from
asking about his mother. Then, when you're fresh out of
patience, he does something no kid should do, something
you've warned him about. He takes off his mask.
Michael: "Prince, if you don't put that mask back on, I'm
going to take you to the bedroom and sing to you!"
Prince: "Noooo! Why can't you spank us like other parents?
Why do you have to be so different?"
Michael: "Special, Prince, not different. I'm special --
just like your Aunt LaToya."
Prince: "But why do you make us wear these silly masks? Why
can't you wait until Halloween like other parents?"
Michael: "It's for your privacy, Prince. You can take the
masks off as soon as the film crew leaves. Only seven months
to go."
Prince: "Yipee! Will you be taking yours off too, Dad?"
Michael was accused of child molestation in 1993 and settled
the case out of court for a reported $25 million.
Nevertheless, he hoped to convince the world that his love
for children is perfectly normal, that it's OK for him to
allow other people's children to sleep in his bed. Sorry,
Michael, but the only child who should be allowed in your
bed is Julia Child. She's over 90 and knows exactly what to
do with fruitcakes.
Michael seemed uncomfortable talking about his plastic
surgery, but apparently no Michael Jackson documentary is
complete without an in-depth discussion of his
transformation from a handsome black youngster to a scary
white man.
Michael insisted he's had plastic surgery only twice -- and
just on his nose. The rest of his face changed on its own,
partly through the aging process, partly through
overexposure to his music.
Michael believes that journalist Bashir betrayed him.
But Michael, in many ways, has betrayed himself. As a
44-year-old father, he really should know better.
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2003 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
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