Grief and Religion
By Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood
Does a person�s religion make any difference to the
way they experience death and grief? It depends on
their understanding of religion, even Islam. There are
healthy attitudes to religion, and there are unhealthy
ones. Unfortunately, while it is certainly a fact that
some religious attitudes help the personality to grow,
others seriously stunt it.
Unhealthy religion is usually centered on the denial
of responsibility. It projects a concept of a God who
is capricious and open to manipulation. Believers with
this sort of attitude often act rather like spoiled
children; they seem to genuinely believe that if they
cry loudly enough or long enough they will be able to
bring themselves to God�s attention, make Him notice
their worthy cause, and perhaps even make Him act
differently�in accordance with what they want Him to
do. They seem to expect that if they are devoted
enough, or chant enough phrases, or do enough pious
practices, Allah will produce cosmic results and
violate the law and order of the universe just to
oblige them.
All their prayers and incantations might seem very
pious, but their attitude is really one of subtle
shirk (associating other beings/gods with Allah), and
certainly one of lack of trust in the will of Allah.
God does not need to be told our problems�He knows
everything already. He will not have failed to observe
that one of His servants is sick, or dying, or
bereaved.
But God is not there just to oblige us�no matter how
worthy we are, or how desperate our cause. God is not
a cosmic errand-boy. He is not standing by, waiting
for our �orders of the day��sometimes with the
implication that He had better get on with doing what
we want Him to do or we will punish Him by rejecting
Him. This is a real trivialization of the nature of
God, and yet we find so frequently examples of people
who lose their �faith� in God because He did not do
what they wanted Him to do�He let their loved one die.
God is not a cosmic errand-boy, standing by, waiting
for our �orders of the day�.
It is good for a Muslim to be reminded that no person
was more righteous or more loved by Allah than the
Prophet Muhammad�and yet there was no miraculous cure
for his sickness, and he died, as all humans must die.
Remember how his companion `Umar could not bring
himself to accept his death, and how Abu Bakr took
command by reminding them of the ayah (verse):
[Muhammad is but a messenger; there have been prophets
before him, and they all died. Will you now turn
back?] (Aal `Imran 3:144)
True religion enables us to take charge of our own
lives and accept responsibility in a disciplined way,
and this reduces the causes of guilt and sets in
motion wise processes necessary for the management of
grief.
Healthy religion moves beyond the denial of
responsibility, the distortion of reality and the
creating of illusions.
Some bereaved people feel that they are so helpless to
cope with life that they need a special dole of
�cosmic kindness� to get them through. Muslims do not
need to crawl through life begging for what is already
theirs � God�s love and caring concern. They know
their duty is towards Him. They have to stand in
faith, and accept His will.
While they may not like the results of a molecular
process when someone succumbs to disease, or the
impersonal results of the law of gravity when a wall
falls on an innocent bystander, or the war that
follows from the political failures of people over
whom we have no control but who can devastate our
lives, they would not want to destroy reality by
asking God to act in a way that would entail a
violation of His nature. We cannot tempt God to do our
will. It is important instead to discover how to bring
our lives into close accord with His will.
Death seen in terms of a capricious universe with a
God who should do our bidding is painful and
depressing; death contemplated when we understand the
meaning of life in a larger context is seen in a
totally different light. It may be that life is as
short as a moth�s, or as long as a sequoia tree�s;
what matters is not its length but its quality.
Our religious faith should help us find a perspective
through which we can evaluate our own feelings.
Healthy religion moves beyond the denial of
responsibility, the distortion of reality and the
creating of illusions. It puts death in perspective.
It helps us to understand the meaning of the pain that
comes with some deaths and is absent in others. It
under-girds life with an adequate philosophy,
emphasizes the reality of life, and the forms of love
that continue to sustain life.
Only physical things die; spiritual things already
have the dimension of the infinite and eternal and are
therefore indestructible.
Death tosses the human being into spiritual turmoil.
One of the biggest problems for devout believers is
the attitude of so many friends, who�because of their
sincere faith in the afterlife�simply do not seem to
see that there is a problem in a person�s grief; or if
they do see it, they refuse to admit it.
�You are a committed Muslim; your family are committed
Muslims. Muslims know there is nothing to fear about
death�therefore we can all be quite sure that you will
cope wonderfully with your grief and we need not worry
about it.�
In reality, the mourner may not be coping very well
with his or her grief, but because of the attitude of
these pious �comforters� cannot speak up or make it
known that help is needed. In fact, religious people
who speak like this are quite possibly trying to
escape their own emotional involvement, which they
find embarrassing or are unable to handle. Everyone
feels inadequate, and lacks confidence in what to say
for the best to a bereaved person-and in fact, a
companionable silence is often preferable to false
platitudes.
Well? Should Muslims not grieve at all? Should they
just accept a terminal illness as God�s will, or a
test of faith? What can they expect from God? What
should they ask Him for?
It is not wrong to ask questions. Human beings are
creatures with minds and rational faculties. If God
had wanted automatons with no minds, He would have
created us that way. It is all right for us to ask for
the reasons; but we cannot demand an answer. Sometimes
we get an answer, if God deems it necessary for us to
know. At other times we simply have to accept that
although there is an answer, God has not given it, and
since His dealings with us are always loving and for
our ultimate good, we can leave the matter there. This
is where faith comes in.
How does Islam affect Muslims? A life free from guilt?
Possibly, if they try hard. A life free from the fear
of death? Possibly, if they have enough faith. A life
that can be lived differently from that of
non-believers? True, with God�s help. A life free from
sorrow, problems and difficulties? Sadly, no.
[You shall certainly be tried and tested in your
possessions and in your personal selves; and you shall
certainly hear much that will distress you, from those
who received the Book before you, and from those who
worship many gods. But if you persevere patiently, and
guard against evil-then that will be the determining
factor in everything.] (Aal `Imran 3:186)
Being a Muslim does not protect anyone from the
reality of suffering. Belief is not some kind of
spiritual inoculation which will provide immunity from
all that is difficult and painful. We love Allah�but
doesn�t He care when we suffer? In times of crisis, it
is so easy to feel that He is far away and cannot hear
our cries-but this is not so. He is closer than our
own neck vein; or, as the Messenger (peace and
blessings be upon him) touchingly put it, closer than
the neck of our own camel. His love will never desert
us or let us down, even in our darkest hour.
It is not wrong to grieve. People who believe in God
grieve for all sorts of things, including the callous
and hardhearted attitudes some people have towards one
another, and at the mess that human rebellion against
God has made of His world. People with sympathetic
hearts feel human misery deeply; some work to
exhaustion to heal the sick and reach out to the
needy. To see someone we love suffering makes us
unutterably sad, and God knows that. He gave us the
feelings in the first place.
But believers should not grieve in the same way as
those who have no hope�for God promised His people
comfort and strength right into the valley of the
shadow of death, and beyond.
[Ibrahim said: �0 Lord! Show me how you give life to
the dead.� He said: �Do you not believe?� He said:
�Yes, but to satisfy my own understanding, (tell me).�
Allah said: �Take four birds and tame them to return
to you; put one of them on each of four separate
hills, then call to them. They will come flying to you
with speed.�] (Al-Baqarah 2:260)
When Allah calls us, we will surely �come flying� to
Him. Our earthly life is the separation on the hills;
when we die, we will be called back to our real home,
with Allah.
[So do not lose heart, and do not fall into despair;
for you must gain mastery if you are true in faith]
(Aal `Imran 3:139)
Many people wonder why, if God is all-powerful and
loving, He does not cure our loved ones of cancer, or
prevent wars and famines, etc.�either directly through
miraculous intervention, or indirectly, perhaps
through medical science.
Allah wants to see us always working for healing,
wholeness and peace.
God sometimes works through suffering. Some people are
physically healed, others are given the ability to
live with the illness and finally to die with trust
and hope. Suffering can never be considered enjoyable,
but there can be good responses to it. If we can see
that neither distress nor death can separate us from
the love of God we have a living hope which transcends
all the trials of our present situation.
As Muslims, who try to accept God�s will, should we
fight the disease, or accept it? Would it be right for
a patient to refuse medical treatment on the grounds
that it must be God�s will for them to have it? The
Muslim answer to that must surely be �No�. Such apathy
is against the general desire of Allah to see us
always working for healing, wholeness and peace. We
have a responsibility to care for our bodies as best
we can�so we should encourage the patient to seek and
take medical advice and co-operate with whatever
treatment they think is right and is consistent with
Islam; they should move towards full health as
positively as they are able.
Human beings are required by Allah to seek medical
treatment if it is available. The Prophet (peace and
blessings be upon him) himself told us to seek medical
treatment; as he put it �Allah has not created an
illness without creating a cure for it� (Reported by
Muslim). When you take a medicine, you are not acting
against the will of Allah; you are cured by Allah�s
will, because He has put into that particular medicine
the qualities which will enable the human body to
overcome a certain disease.
Medicine functions by God�s will. This is exactly what
`Umar ibn al-Khattab said to Abu `Ubaydah once, when
the latter questioned him about his orders concerning
quarantine�preventing entry to or departure from an
area where plague was widespread. Abu `Ubaydah asked:
�Are we trying to escape from the will of Allah?� Umar
answered: �Yes, we try to escape from God�s will with
God�s will.� This means that if we avoid certain
causes of death we nevertheless remain subject to the
will of Allah, because avoiding them and preventing
them is also part of the will of Allah.
A Muslim will always have to acknowledge that the
final outcome is in God�s hands. If we pray du`aa�
(personal prayer requests) for our sick and dying, and
for the bereaved, it is never wasted; God always hears
us, and something always �happens�, even if it not
quite what the person has prayed for.
Umm Salamah, the Prophet�s wife (peace be upon both of
them), reported the Messenger as saying: �Whenever you
visit the sick or the dying, make supplication for
good, because the angels say �Amen� to whatever you
say.� (Reported by Muslim)
God welcomes honest searching. Islam is based on
historical fact, not on the speculations of human
beings with their limited intellects.
We are human and limited in our understanding. Instead
of telling God what we want, we should try to ask God
what it is He wants for us, or wants us to do, in each
situation.
Sometimes He gives a very clear indication of what it
is He wants us to do�through inner conviction, through
a verse of the Qur�an, or an insight given through
another person. When we are less certain, we can pray
for what seems to be the best solution, acknowledging
that God�s wisdom is perfect.
We are not specks of dust drifting in space blown by
random destiny. We are each of us unique�no two people
are alike, not even identical twins. Each one of us is
born for a specific reason and purpose, and each one
of us will die when we have accomplished whatever it
was to be accomplished.
True healing is not necessarily a cure, but a
completion of God�s work in body, mind, emotions and
spirits.
Death sometimes leads us to question things we had
taken for granted before. Does God really exist? Does
He love me? How could He let this happen?
God welcomes honest searching. Islam is based on
historical fact, not on the speculations of human
beings with their limited intellects. Truth stands out
clear from error (Al Baqarah 2:256), it will not
collapse under investigation. Ask your questions, seek
your answers. Ask for the wisdom that will lead you to
Him. Search the Qur�an for answers�find out for
yourself what it says about the things you are
questioning. After having experienced suffering or the
grief�pangs of bereavement for yourself you may find
yourself coming to a new level of commitment, one that
is perhaps truly meaningful for the first time.
But you will have some questions that cannot be
answered, because God chooses not to tell us
everything. Many, many things will remain a mystery in
this world.
Abdullah ibn Mas`ud was once walking with the Prophet
when some Jews asked him about the soul. The Prophet
(peace and blessings be upon him) stood silent and
gave no reply, and Abdullah realized that he was being
given a revelation, so he stood quietly beside him.
The revelation given was: [They ask you about the
soul. Say: �The soul is by the commandment of my Lord,
and of knowledge you are given only a little.�]
(Al-Israa� 17:85, Muslim 6712).
True believers have nothing to fear in the valley of
death; they have nothing to fear in the grave; they
have nothing to fear in the world beyond.
God has given us enough information so that the most
intellectual person can be satisfied, yet He leaves
enough out so that we must all have faith without
fully understanding.
Don�t worry; instead, pray, and tell God your needs,
and don�t forget to thank Him for His answers and His
blessings. If you do this you will experience God�s
peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind
can understand.
Don�t waste your time with cries of �if only�. Regret
is a wasted emotion; it is futile, for we cannot go
back and change things around. No amount of
self-recrimination can change the past. Of course you
have made mistakes�we all do that, and some of these
mistakes have heavy consequences. Don�t waste your
life in remorse. As long as you did the best you could
at the time, that is as much as is expected of you.
Don�t be preoccupied with regret. If you did or said
something wrong, confess it to God, and accept His
forgiveness. Bring the entire situation before Him,
commit it to Him, and leave it there.
True believers have nothing to fear in the gloomiest
scenes of life; they have nothing to fear in the
valley of death; they have nothing to fear in the
grave; they have nothing to fear in the world beyond.
For God is with them. They do not go anywhere
alone�for God is the Companion, the Guide.
Dying people seem to enter the final valley alone. The
friends accompany as far as they can, and then they
must give the parting hand. They can cheer the dying
ones until they are deaf to all their sounds; they can
cheer them with their looks until their eyes become
dim and they can see no more; they can cheer them with
a fond embrace until they become insensible to every
expression of earthly affection, and then they seem to
be alone. But dying believers are not alone. God is
with them in that valley, and will never leave them.
On His promise they can depend, and by that Presence
they can be comforted, until they emerge from the
gloom into the bright world beyond. All that is needed
to dissipate the terrors of that valley is to be able
to say �You are with me, O Lord.�
=====
Leo Imanov
Abdu-lLah
AllahsSlave
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