i think in many middle east countries where they re bound with customs and
traditions which men is the ruler, the superior-being and women is only
men's property, women is a weaker being (inferior) not an equal partner..,
since childhood her rights re determined by her familly (Father and
brothers), her familly will arrange her marriage with someone that she's
barely knew.., and after the married her husband is the sole proprietor of
her.., womens have a very fragile status, she's not protected under law,
bcs according to law her husband is her protector, so if she got divorce,
things becomes worse bcs socially she's an outcast from her familly and her
social community, dont ever think abt child support from the husband..it's
impossible, even she has to fight her right to keep her child..,
if many of them works indecent job liked a belly dancer..bcs they re lack
or less opportunity for them for a good job..esp bcs they re a divorcee..in
spite of that i admire them..bcs despite of terrible things that happened
to them, they survived..
perhaps they can never be strong enough to handle it by them self..but in
my point of view they can do better..they prove it that they really can do
better..without men..:))..
"Ambon"
<[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To:
<Undisclosed-Recipient:;>
cc:
03/23/2005 02:45 Subject: [ppiindia] 'You can
never be strong enough'
AM
Please respond to
ppiindia
17 - 23 March 2005
Issue No. 734
Living
Published in Cairo by AL-AHRAM established in 1875
http://weekly.ahram.org.eg/2005/734/li1.htm
'You can never be strong enough'
As the number of single mothers continues to rise, Serene Assir
listens to accounts of tragedy, hope and heroism
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Click to view caption
Dina Sarhan explaining the fine points of cooking
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Egyptian tradition is such that few things are worse than being a
single woman -- except, perhaps, being a single mother. And though cases of
unmarried women single-handedly raising children remain rare in Egypt,
those of divorced or widowed women bearing the economic, social and
emotional brunt of parenthood are countless. Many take on the role of both
parents while the father moves in with a second wife, serves a prison
sentence, works abroad or completes up to three years of military draft.
"Problems are particularly acute in the case of women raising
children in economically depressed areas," Mona Shadi, programme
coordinator for the Association for the Development and Enhancement of
Women (ADEW) told Al-Ahram Weekly. "The women we reach out to often lack
all the basic guarantees to which the state entitles them. Many cannot read
or write, many others lack identity cards since they are registered under
the name of their former husbands, and thus they have no access at all to
the authorities -- never mind the ability to seek help."
"This world is a dirty place," 23-year-old Ashraqat, mother of
Shurouq, says with a mixture of fervour and despair. Ashraqat discovered
she was pregnant one month after signing her divorce papers, following a
brief but abusive stint of wedlock, during which her husband took advantage
of her economically even as he forced social restrictions on her. Now, she
lives in Cairo, having left her native village of Bilbis in the Sharqiya
district, but earns her living as a belly dancer in Hurghada nightclubs,
where she can work without the necessary documentation.
"I remember when he used to promise me we would make our dreams
come true," she told the Weekly. "Now I know the truth." (While we have
this conversation in a traditional coffee house, the owner shakes his head
at me disapprovingly, walking by; later he tells me off for sitting with
someone so "low").
Ashraqat went to school up to the age of 14, and was dancing
professionally by 15. The man she loved came from a better-off family, so
when she was married she imagined she would no longer have to dance (or
otherwise employ her body) to make a living. "But my husband would bring
clients into the house, then take the money afterwards. I had everything I
could possibly want, I even had a really nice mobile phone, but he took
control of my life and made me do things I didn't want to do.
"By the time I discovered I was pregnant it was too late. When I
told my mother, she beat me -- she'd been against the marriage since the
beginning. But she was to forgive me later on, and now she helps me. My
father, well -- he treats me and my daughter like strangers. That's okay. I
don't need anyone, I can manage without. Now you ask me whether I'd do it
all over again? No. I'd marry the person my parents choose, someone with
money. It wouldn't matter whether I loved him or not. This is no life..."
This bitterness, the sense of being excluded, Shadi explains, tend
to be incorporated into the way single mothers bring up their daughters --
an added problem. As if to confirm this, Ashraqat explains that "what I
teach my daughter is this: If someone picks on you, hit him. You can never
be strong enough." ADEW seeks to address this issue by holding programmes
for children as well as mothers, Shadi goes on to point out: "We frequently
succeed, but just as frequently we fail."
Ashraqat's experience, though an extreme example, remains broadly
relevant. "As a divorcée," she explains, "I am desired by many men, because
they know that I am not a virgin, and as a result they think I'm an easy
target. But everything I do," she pleads, "I swear, though I know dancing
is sinful -- I do it for Shurouq, so that when she grows up she has all the
things that I didn't have. I love her..."
Such an attitude of self-sacrifice is seen across the board. It may
be innate in all mothers, but it stands out with particular force in those
who undergo the most painful trials. "When the children's father passed
away," Um Sherif, 67, tells the Weekly, "my life was already difficult
enough. God, I had 14 children to take care of!" Eight were hers, the rest
her husband's -- by his first wife. "The youngest was just two years old.
Now," she says, "they all have homes of their own, and they are all happy."
Um Sherif lives in a semi-agricultural area deep within one of
Cairo's poorer districts. She can neither read nor write, but three of her
sons are electronic engineers in the Gulf, and two work in respectable
businesses in Cairo.
Hers is an impressive case: She fought against all odds to raise
her children, and she managed extraordinarily well. A strong woman, she is
proud of her achievements. "I never accepted help from anyone. I knew that
if my children were to be happy, I would have to do it all by myself. I
thought of remarrying, but when I saw how prospective husbands would seek
to interfere in the upbringing of my children, I decided against it."
But according to social perceptions, it is a misfortune for a woman
to remain unmarried. "Yes dear," Um Sherif says, defiantly, "but if you
listen to what people say, you'll find it impossible to breathe. I learned
this very early on in life. People love to interfere, but in order to
survive you must do what you feel is right."
That said, social prejudice cannot be ignored as a negative factor
in the lives of single mothers. "My sister is a teacher," Mervat told the
Weekly, "and has always been well-to-do. She divorced her husband following
an unhappy marriage, and brought up her son and daughter comfortably,
without experiencing pressure from anyone. It was her son who turned
against her in the end -- once he married, he started despising her,
cursing the fact that she chose to live independently."
Yet the principal problem seems to stem from an area beyond the
social, strictly speaking. A woman raising children on her own is a woman
without support in Egypt, and though this is increasingly acceptable at the
social level -- women gain in respect, particularly, as they grow older --
bureaucratic issues stand in the way of true emancipation. Tasks as banal
as renting a flat become a problem because business deals are usually made
with men. Registering a child under the mother's name remains legally
impossible.
"And now," Ashraqat says, about to set out for Hurghada, "I've got
to make sure I'm ready for the big lie: When the policeman wakes me up
while we're on the bus to ask for my ID, I'm just going to have to pretend
I'm too exhausted to fetch it. And as I'm not wearing any makeup, he'll
hopefully be taken in by the innocence of my expression. Let's just pray
he'll leave me alone."
Shurouq looks beautiful in the photographs Ashraqat shows me. To
this day, without an ID card, the mother is fighting out the case for the
custody of her child.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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