WAY TOO FUNNY!!!! For all of you who work/worked in an office environment! 
 FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director 
 TO: All Employees 
 DATE: 4th November 2004 
 RE: Christmas Party 
 I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
 place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't 
be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas  tree 
will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done  
at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of 
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for  employees! 
 The MD will make a special announcement at the Party. 
 Merry Christmas to you and your Family. 


 FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director 
 TO: All Employees 
 DATE: 5th November 2004 
 RE: Holiday Party 
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. 
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides 
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on 
we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other 
employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or 
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

 Happy now? 
 Happy Holidays to you and your family, 


 FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director 
 TO: All Employees 
 DATE: 6th November 2004 
 RE: Holiday Party 
 Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous 
 requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy  
 to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
 Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to  handle 
 this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange  allowed 
 now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and 
 Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE 


  FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director 
 TO: All Employees 
 DATE: 7th November 2004 
 RE: Holiday Part 
 What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the 
 Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during 
 daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how  a 
 luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim  employees' 
 beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal  until 
 the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take 
 home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged
 members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and 
 pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed 
 to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will

 have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the  gay 
 men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no 
 cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low
 food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used

 in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food

 first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant

 cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! 

 FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director 
 TO: All F****** Employees 
 DATE: 8 November 2004 
 RE: The ******** Holiday Party. 
 Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this 
  party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
 at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it,

 you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you 
 know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. 

 I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you

  all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die. 
 The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


 FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director 
 DATE: 9th November 2004 
 RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party 
 I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, 
  and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the 
 Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give 
 everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay. 




"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for." ( Will
Alex M.

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