WAY TOO FUNNY!!!! For all of you who work/worked in an office environment!
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2004
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at
the
Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a
small
band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't
be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done
at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline.
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FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2004
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,
"AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed
now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and
Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE
ALLOWED.
Pauline.
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2004
RE: Holiday Part
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take
home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged
for
members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed
to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will
have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay
men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no
cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low
fat
food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used
in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food
first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant
cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.
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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ******** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly
at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it,
you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you
know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them.
I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you
all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2004
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery,
and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the
Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for." ( Will
Rogers)
Alex M.
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