ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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Welcome to Purehumour 2K3...a whole new year of Purehumour and again
there are some minor changes. First off one of the biggest complaints
that I have heard is that all the issues were named similar: Tuesday Ticklers,
Wednesday Wonders, Thursday's Stuff and Friday Funnies...well no more!
Each issue will now be numbered so you can more easily sort your issues
throughout time. To do this I had to go back in time and count each issue
that has been sent out. Not including special editions there have been to
date 695 issues of Purehumour in almost 4 years...that amazes even me!
Another change is the addition of a new column preview. This section will
highlight some of the great humourists around and will always contain a
link to their websites. If you wish to read the rest of the column...you will
have to visit their site. Some of these people (well most of them) are really
funny....take the time to check them out.
Also changed is the face design that highlights each section of Purehumour...
maybe this year I will keep my eyes open more and see what is happening...
cut down on the errors! ;) Like that one that slipped into the last issue of
Purehumour for 2002....when I called it the final issue for 2003 instead! Oh
well...thats life! So this is 2K3...Happy New Year and enjoy this issue.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Rubin, The Posens, Barbara, Kay,
Nevanish, Terri, SunAmy, Barb.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
What is the difference between movie theater refreshments
and movies at a police stag party?
One is pop corn, the other is cop porn.
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Pee soup...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1064 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1064
Show and tell...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1063 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1063
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Sam appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce from his wife,
Anni. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell
me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," Sam says, "I live in a three-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal
about a three-story house?"
Sam answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the
second story is ...'It's that time of the month."...and the third story is,
..." NO..we'll wake the children. ".
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1950 Erin Gray Honolulu HI, actress (Silver Spoons, Buck Rogers)
1951 Talgat Amangeldyyevich Musabayev Russian Major/cosmonaut (TM-19, TM-27)
1952 Giuliano Ferrara
1953 Agha Zahid cricketer (open batting for Pakistan vs West Indies 1975,
scored 14 & 1)
1953 Earl Wilber Force "Wire" Lindo rocker (Bob Marley & the Wailers)
1954 Alan Butcher cricketer (one Test England vs India, scored 14 & 20)
1955 Sandra Bernhard Arizona, (Follow That Bird, King of Comedy)
1956 Robin Walton Boise ID, LPGA golfer (1995 GHP Heartland Classic-15th)
1956 Rosalyn Bryant Chicago IL, 4x400m runner (Olympics-silver-1976)
1956 Trudie Styler England, wife of Sting/sponsor (Rainforest Concert)
1957 Kristen Meadows actress (Santa Barbara)
1957 Katie Couric [Katherine], Arlington VA, TV news host (Today)
1958 Donna Rice New Orleans La, model/Gary Hart's alleged lover
1958 Peter R Mokaba president (South African Youth Congress)
1959 Kathy Valentine rocker (Go-Go's-We Got the Beat)
1960 Tierre Turner Detroit MI, actor (Waverly Wonders, Cop & the Kid)
1960 David Marciano Newark NJ, actor (Detective Ray Vecchio-Due South)
1962 Hallie Todd actress (Check is in the Mail)
1962 Jeff Montgomery Wellston OH, pitcher (Kansas City Royals)
1963 Craig Shipley Australian/US baseball infielder (San Diego Padres)
1964 Nicolas Cage actor (Moonstruck, Racing with the Moon)
1964 Francisco Maciel Mexico, tennis star
1965 Mark Rushmere cricketer (South Africa opening bat in comeback Test 1992)
1966 Carolyn Bessette Kennedy model/wife of John Kennedy Jr
1966 Jennifer Luff Australian rower (Olympics-96)
1966 Randy Burridge Fort Erie, NHL left wing (Buffalo Sabres)
1967 Guy Hebert Troy, NHL goalie (Anaheim Mighty Ducks, Team USA 98)
1967 Scott Galbraith NFL tight end (Washington Redskins, Dallas Cowboys)
1968 Michael Rosati hockey goaltender (Team Italy 1998)
1968 Nathaniel Bolton WLAF running back (Frankfurt Galaxy)
1969 Chris Hatcher US baseball outfielder (Houston Astros)
1969 Doug E Doug actor (Cosby)
1969 Erric Pegram NFL running back (Pit Steelers, New York Giants, San
Diego Chargers)
1969 Todd Kinchen NFL wide receiver (St Louis Rams, Atlanta Falcons)
.....and on this day in history:
1950 Mental health wing of Mercy Hospital burns, kills 41 (Davenport IA)
1950 "Happy as Larry" closes at Coronet Theater New York City NY after 3
performances
1950 Hank Snow's 1st appearance on "Grand Ole Opry"
1952 French Plevin government falls
1953 President Truman announces development of the hydrogen bomb
1955 Marian Anderson becomes 1st black singer to perform at the Met (New
York City NY)
1955 WCIQ TV channel 7 in Mt Cheaha AL (PBS) begins broadcasting
1956 Vinoo Mankad scores 231 vs New Zealand, 413 opening stand with Roy
1958 USSR shrinks army to 300,000
1959 US recognizes Fidel Castro's Cuban government
1961 1st NFL Playoff Bowl (runner-up bowl)-Detroit beats Cleveland 17-16
1961 Trucial States (now UAE) issue their 1st postage stamps
1962 AFL Pro Bowl West beats East 47-27
1962 Assassination attempt on Indonesian president Sukarno, fails
1962 Bollingen Prize for poetry awarded to John Hall Wheelock
1963 1st class postage raised from 4� to 5�
1964 Bahamas achieves internal self-government & cabinet responsibility
1964 Dick Weber rolls highest bowling game in the air (Boeing 707)
1965 France announces it will convert $150 million of its currency to gold
1966 Dance Theatre of Harlem debuts
1966 Gene Kiniski beats Lou Thesz in St Louis MO, to become NWA champ
1967 "Newlywed Game" premieres on ABC TV
1968 1st class postage raised from 5� to 6�
1968 Surveyor 7 lands on the Moon
1968 "GE College Bowl" quiz show premieres on NBC TV
1969 US Congress doubles presidential salary
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and
on the way home, he was looking at the things she had
purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began
to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to
his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear
the same size as our bed!"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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addition to the BEST humour around...all without any
ads at all! Guaranteed!
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
DisInfotainment Today will no longer be carried on Wednesdays...instead it
will be a part of Tuesday's issue in this spot. Due to the high graphics
used in DisInfotainment Today...it is much better seen on the web...so for
your full enjoyment of DisInfotaiment Today...please click the link below.
BELIEVE IT OR ELSE
Doing George Orwell Proud
Okay, the rest of the media is sort of playing it down, but something
REALLY scary is about to happen. In 1984, Big Brother controls all thought
because he controls all media. That hasn't happened in America because of
the Internet, but not for long. From Bush's Master Plan for the Internet:
"Bush and his Machiavellian minions will no longer put up with you roaming
free into dangerous territory on the Internet. You need to be corralled,
electronically tethered, kept away from sites promoting conspiracy theories
-- in other words, information the corporate media, the official US
Ministry of Disinformation, does not want you to read or see."
More?
<a href=" http://home.earthlink.net/~disinfotainment ">Click Here</a>
http://home.earthlink.net/~disinfotainment/
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a
sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard (1994)
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Peel Me One Of Those Bananas
<a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph13.html ">Click</a>
http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph13.html
Priceless Canada Day Romp
<a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph11.html ">Click</a>
http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph11.html
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for her first
cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a
conversation but got no response.
After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final
check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.
"How old are you?"
No response.
The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"
Immediately four tiny fingers went up.
"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"
Four little fingers went up once again.
Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked,
. . . "Can you talk?"
The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you
count asshole?!"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Shootout...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1062 ">Click Here </a>
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Hitching sign...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1061 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1061
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
John is sitting in his local bar with his buddies,
sharing a beer and bragging about his sex life.
John says, "I have great sex with my wife. She's very
vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and *most* of it
really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!'
I love it when she screams, 'Faster!'"
"Man, you lucky dog!" answers Paul. "But *come on* and tell
the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex
life?"
"The only problem I have..." John said dejectedly, "Is
when she screams, ....'Deeper!'"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel
dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has
breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out
of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls
it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie.............
But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull
gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked
behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You
have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not
going to trust an IRS agent."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks
like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and
decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid,
what's your second wish." "My second wish is that were rich beyond my
wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man
says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and
need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon!
The moral of the story? If the IRS offers you anything, there's going
to be a string attached!
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
To the victor belongs...the cost of cleaning up the mess.
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
When was the Channel Tunnel connecting England and
France completed?
A. 1991
B. 1992
C. 1993
D. 1994
<Answers in Next Issue!>
29/12
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Male Library
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/27.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/27.htm
Fantasize
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/28.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/28.htm
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A guy goes to a house of prostitution. He selects
a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed.
She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee,
when the fire alarms rings!
She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her
hand. He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out
after her. He's searching the building, but the smoke
gets too heavy, so he runs outside looking for her.
By this time, the firemen are there. He sees one
of them and asks, "Did you see a beautiful blonde,
in a sheer blue negligee, with $200 in her hand?"
The fireman says, "No!"
The guy then says, "Well, if you see her, screw her.
It's paid for."
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
January 7th 2000:
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m376.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m376.html
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
A local prostitute was brought before the court of Queen's Bench for
solicitation. The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman
was claiming not guilty when police had caught her in the act. The judge
questioned her, expressing her surprise. "I am celibate." the young
woman declared. "Celibate?" the judge asked, wide-eyed. "How can you
claim you are celibate?" "It is my business to be celibate. I sell a bit
here, I sell a bit there....."
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
Strip BlackJack With Phoebe
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Bejeweled
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Remove His Shorts
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Remove Her Bra
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ӿ�-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------ӿ�
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
The animals sat with nothing to say until the cat spoke
up. "Ok, here's the deal. Everything is dead except for
us cats and you dogs. Although it goes against my
instincts, I say we work together until we come up with
a better plan."
"How many of you are there again"? Sam inquired.
"A total of eighteen cats."
"You fit thirty cats into that one hole"? Rex asked in disbelief.
"I'll admit it's a little cramped down there." Replied the cat.
"What's your name anyway"? Asked Sam.
"Gus." Answered the cat.
Despite trying as hard as he could Rex couldn't help but
start giggling.
Copyright 2001-03 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the
instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim
in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At
the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.
Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm the Egg.' From
that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you
understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively. The instructor impressed upon the sperm
that he had to swim hard and reach the egg first, otherwise it would all
be pointless. "You really have to swim for it!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He
wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim
behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance
to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other
sperm but he still swims his heart out, tail fin aching, just to reach
the egg first.
At last he approaches the red, sticky ball, still way ahead of all the
other sperm. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles
and says "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says "Hi. I'm a tonsil."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Kurt and Norm were in a bar. Kurt said to Norm, "I have to go pee."
Norm replied, "I do to. Pee for me while you are in there."
Kurt says, "ok"
He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time.
When Kurt comes back, he hits Norm and knocks him to the floor.
Norm looks up and says, " why did you hit me?"
"If you had told me you had to shit, I would have pulled down my pants."
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Working Late
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/29.htm ">Click</a>
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/at/29.htm
Interesting Name for a Ranch
<a href=" http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks7.html ">Click</a>
http://jokeworm.com/funlinks/funlinks7.html
ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
Two Miami radio disc jockeys got Venezuelan president
Hugo Chavez on the line during their show by pretending
to be Fidel Castro.
Enrique Santos and Joe Ferrero are presenters on Spanish-
language salsa station El Vacilon de la Manana.
The Miami Herald reports the joke was part of a segment
called Fidel's Calling You.
Santos and Ferrero call famous people and play snippets
of a conversation between Castro and Mexican President
Vicente Fox. Santos said: "We still can't believe it.
He fell for it."
The DJs got a woman with a Cuban accent to ring the
Venezuelan president's home, Miraflores Palace, and say
Castro was on the line wanting to speak to him.
An aide offered to have Ch�vez call Castro back, but the
woman explained the Cuban was in a secret location and
could not be phoned.
Ch�vez, who counts Castro as one of his strongest allies
and touts Cuba's communist system as a role model, was put
on the line.
After stringing him along for a few minutes, Santos admitted
he was calling from Miami and shouted: "Terrorist! Animal!
Murderer! You're finishing off the Venezuelan people!"
Callers flooded the station's switchboard. Among them was the
station owner, Raul Alarc�n Jr, who Santos described as "not
very happy."
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Tony walked into a bar and ordered a beer. He drank half and then
poured the rest on his hand.
A few minutes later, Tony ordered another beer and the bartender
became suspicious. Again, he drank half and then poured the rest on
his hand.
A short while later, Tony ordered yet another beer. The bartender
finally asked, "Excuse me, sir, but what the heck are you doing?"
Tony, a little irritated replied, "Can't you see that my date and I are
trying to have a drink?
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] N O L O W B L O W S [||||]
"MGM said it has signed Sylvester Stallone to write a 'Rocky VI'
screenplay." (LAT/12/13)
No violent ring scenes in this outing, though. Here, Sly will battle
arthritis and short term memory loss.
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher
advised the class to start the day with the pledge of
allegiance, and instructed them to put their right
hands over their hearts and repeat after him.
He looked around the room as he started the
recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
When his eyes fell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand
over the right cheek of his buttocks.
"Johnny, I will not continue 'till you put you hand
over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand
over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think
that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she
picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your
little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Protesting ...
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Budget cuts...
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
A woman got her ride all right, but not in a taxi. The
woman mistook a cop for a cabbie.
Authorities in Burlington, Washington say the woman hailed
a car outside her home, thinking it was a taxi. But it was
a sheriff's cruiser.
The deputy was in the process of confirming a warrant for
the woman's arrest when she walked up. One detective says
it doesn't get any better than that for a patrolman. She
got a free ride - to jail.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the
middle, starts with a C and ends with a T ?
A coconut.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Stop Looking At Me!
Say what you will about them, the Chicago Cubs have always been a
perennial baseball favorite. Maybe it's because they haven't won the
World Series since 1908. Maybe it's because whenever anyone says
"tradition," they point to the Cubs. Maybe it's because everyone loves
an underdog, and the Cubs are about as underdoggy as you're going to
get.
Let's face it, a winning season for the Cubs is about as elusive as an
Academy Award for Ashton Kutcher ("Dude, Where's My Career?!"). But
that's why everyone loves them. They're the Average Joe, the little guy,
the team everyone loves to love, whether out of pity or because they
want to say "I knew them when. . ."
So what's going on with them?
The Chicago Cubs are suing 13 business owners whose rooftops overlook
Wrigley Field, because the owners are selling their own tickets so
people can watch games from the roof. The Cubs claim these owners are
stealing from the team.
The suit was filed by the Cubs organization in December 2002, and
charged that the business owners were violating copyright laws and
competing with the organization for ticket sales.
Cubs president and CEO Andy MacPhail said, "They do nothing to
contribute to our efforts to put a winning team on the field."
Apparently neither does the organization, considering they haven't won a
division championship since 1945, or the World Series in nearly a
century.
MacPhail says the owners are making "millions of dollars a year," but
they're not giving anything back to the organization.
Personally, I don't see what the problem is, since the fans are sitting
so far away from the action, they need a live hookup to the Hubble
Telescope to watch the game clearly.
Okay, that's not true. The Hubble Telescope is actually used for
scientific research, like watching sunbathers on the roofs of university
science buildings around the world.
However the business owners are actually allowing their customers to
watch the games on TV, since they ARE so far away from the action. But
no one knows if they have the express written consent of Major League
Baseball to do that, so I won't say anymore about it.
Not too surprisingly, the Cubs are worried that they're losing valuable
revenue. And they are. They're losing the ability to charge $12 to $36
per ticket for most games. They're losing the ability to charge $5 for a
dubious-looking hot dog or lukewarm soda or $8 for watery beer. They're
losing the ability to charge twice as much for a baseball cap than your
average sporting goods store. But those fans probably wouldn't have come
to the game anyway, so why worry about it? Why not figure out new ways
to get more fans to attend the games instead?
One would think the Cubs would focus on fielding a better baseball team,
which would increase fan interest, which would then increase revenues,
and MacPhail could worry about something other than phantom "lost"
money.
But that's just me. I don't actually know anything about running a
baseball team. Putting together a winning team to increase fan support
may just be a crazy idea that other baseball experts would laugh at.
They would tell me to leave baseball to the real experts, like George
Steinbrenner, who spends almost $126 million on his players' salaries,
and then cuts his front office employees' dental plans to save $100,000.
So how is watching a game from the roof stealing? The game is already
being played, and I could pay $12 to watch it from the cheap seats, or
pay $36 to watch it from a slightly better seat. But no matter how much
I pay, the Cubs will still play the same baseball game no matter how
much I paid, or whether I watch or not.
But the Cubs are undeterred. They are seeking compensatory damages, some
of the profits, and a ban on those businesses marketing Cubs products
without their permission.
No problem. If I were one of the business owners, I'd start holding
parties on the rooftop for free, and charge $10 for a bratwurst, and
require a two bratwurst minimum. The parties would only be held on
certain days, and at certain times. And if the Cubs happened to be
playing at the same time, then that's just a happy coincidence.
And if anyone is interested, you can watch the games from my house
through a magical box, and I'll only charge $10 per person. Just don't
put your feet on the couch.
Special note: This column is the 400th humor column I've ever published.
To commemorate it, I would like to say a special thank you to Al and
Bill Nich, the publisher and editor of the Wakarusa (Indiana) Tribune,
who gave me my first break, and made all this possible. So if you don't
like my columns, blame them.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2002
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
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