ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
<a href=" http://unsubscribe.paulsfunhouse.com/purehumour.html ">Click</a>
Okay ... as I said yesterday here we are at Purehumour 2K3...and lets get the
year off to a roaring start! In October I installed a new web board
(forum) on my
website ... and for a few days it got off to a good start with a large
number of
posts...now it seems to have died...so lets get back in there and boost those
posts...give your opinions on each issue...meet some friends...or just
bull-shit
with people....its all in good fun. Check it out at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/ ">Web Board</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/
Some of you MAY experience some access problems today...I have made
a major change to my website and it has created some small problems that
will clear up over the next 24 to 48 hours. Hopefully this clears up some
of the
other problems that I have been experiencing...one of which was that if certain
URLs associated with my site were entered...you ended up in a completely
different (and wrong) location...was really weird!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Lissa, Rubin, The Posens, Ann,
Pat, Ishy, Barb, SunAmy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
Why are guys so good at video games?
It's the eye-hand coordination developed after all those years of
jerking off to Playboy centerfolds.
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Not a good sign...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1058 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1058
Asking for a raise...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1057 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1057
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
Today's issue is brought to you by:
LARGER BREASTS !!!!!!!!
LONGER THICKER PENIS !!!!!!
WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS !!!!!
A SHOPPING CART WITHOUT ONE WOBBLY WHEEL !!!!
No, I can't promise you any of those things, but pick up a copy
of "That's Comedy! on CD" and I will promise you plenty of
giggles, a whole bunch of chuckles, many guffaws and the
possibility that you may laugh so hard you'll pass an entire
cheese sandwich through your nose.
It makes a great gift. Order a copy today.
Click the link for more info.
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/28.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread
and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal,
MotherTeresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants
devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries.
Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.
Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa
could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison,
and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna
was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you
as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven
all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the
Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand
it..."
God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, ". . . for just two
people, it doesn't pay to cook."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1951 G�rard Leman Belgian General
1951 John McTiernan Albany NY, actor (Predator, Die Hard, Medicine Man)
1951 Paul Dresher composer
1952 Laurie Walters San Francisco CA, actress (Joannie-Eight is Enough)
1952 Norm Jarvis Prince Albert Sask, golfer (1984 Chilliwack)
1953 Bruce Sutter pitcher (Cubs, Cards, Braves)
1955 Mike Reno Vancouver BC Canada, rock vocalist (Loverboy-Get Lucky,
Heaven in Your Eyes)
1959 Michael Harwood Sydney New South Wales, Australasia golfer
1960 Jolanda Egger Luzean Switzerland, playmate (June, 1983)
1961 Shoaib Mohammad cricketer (son of Hanif Patient & prolific batsman)
1963 Hiromi Kobayashi Fukushima Japan, LPGA golfer (1993 JAL Big Apple)
1964 Virgil Hill Missouri, middleweight boxer (Olympics-silver-1984)
1965 Champaka Ramanayake cricketer (Sri Lankan opening bowler)
1965 Eric Wohlberg Sudbury Ontario, cyclist (Olympics-96)
1965 Maria Pitillo Elmira NY, actress (Dear God, Nancy Don Lewis-Ryan's Hope)
1965 Michelle Forbes actress (Julianna Cox-Homicide)
1966 Darryl Hall CFL linebacker (Calgary Stampeders)
1966 Loretta Lee [Lee Lai Chan], China, actress (Happy Ghost)
1967 Hollis Conway Chicago IL, high jumper (Olympics-silver/bronze-88, 92)
1967 Kent Jones Portales NM, golfer (NM State Amateur-1990-91)
1967 Roger Rowland Jacksonville FL, Nike golfer (1990 Macon Open-2nd)
1967 Willie Anderson US, NBA guard (New York Knicks, Olympics-bronze-1988)
1968 Alexander Alexeev NHL defenseman (Belarus, Olympics-98)
1968 Ami Dolenz Los Angeles CA, actress (General Hospital, Can't Buy Me Love)
1968 Brian Johnson Oakland CA, catcher (San Diego Padres)
1968 Mark Duane Croghan Akron Ohio, 3k steeplechase (Olympics-5th-96)
1968 Paul Carey US baseball infielder (Baltimore Orioles)
1969 Brian Boehringer St Louis MO, pitcher (New York Yankees)
1969 R Kelly singer (I Wish I Could Fly)
.....and on this day in history:
1951 Thought extinct since 1615, a Cahow is rediscovered in Bermuda
1952 Jordan adopts constitution
1953 Indians bar night games with Browns (who refuse to share TV receipts)
1953 Ren� Mayer forms French government
1954 Elvis Presley pays $4 to a Memphis studio & records his 1st two songs,
"Casual Love" & "I'll Never Stand in Your Way"
1955 Furman sets NCAA basketball single-game scoring record with 154 points
1955 Georgia Tech ends Kentucky's 130-game home basketball win streak
1955 Louise Sugg wins LPGA Los Angeles Golf Open
1955 WUNC TV channel 4 in Chapel Hill NC (PBS) begins broadcasting
1956 Elvis Presley's "Don't Be Cruel/Hound Dog" single goes to #1 & stays
#1 for a record 11 weeks (for a single)
1956 Bollingen Prize for poetry awarded to Conrad Aiken
1958 Cuban revolutionary forces capture Havana
1959 Charles de Gaulle inaugurated as President of France's 5th Republic
1961 Bollingen Prize for poetry awarded to Yvor Winters
1962 Dutch express train crashes into slow commuter train, 91 die
(Netherlands)
1962 Golfer Jack Nicklaus, 21, 1st pro appearance, he came in 50th
1963 "Mona Lisa", on loan, unveiled in America's National Gallery of Art
1963 Dmitri Shostakovich's Katharina Ismailova, premieres in Riga
1964 President Lyndon B Johnson declares "War on Poverty"
1964 European Parliament accept Mansholt Plan
1965 Senator Everett Dirksen introduces a bill to make marigold the
national flower (didn't pass)
1965 Star of India returned to American Museum of Natural History
1966 Beatles' "Rubber Soul" album goes #1 & stays #1 for 6 weeks
1966 Beatles' "We Can Work It Out" single goes #1 & stays #1 for 3 weeks
1966 Georges Pompidou appointed French premier
1966 Who & the Kinks perform on the last "Shindig" TV show on ABC
1968 Jacques Cousteau's 1st undersea special on US network TV
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
At a press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she's going back
on the campaign trail even though her husband, former Vice President Al
Gore, is not running for office.
"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all of my pubic hair.
From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with any candidate
who needs my help. And I may occasionally flash the audience. This will
send a very strong message to America."
"What is that message?" asked astonished reporters at this rather
startling announcement.
Tipper replied: "Read my lips... no more Bush."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
FREE GIFT just for signing up to Purehumour Ad-Free!
Sign up NOW and you will get an instant free gift in
addition to the BEST humour around...all without any
ads at all! Guaranteed!
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
Welcome to 2003. Let us hope that it lives up to it's advertising
and will be better than 2002. I am sure we have heard that song
before. 1941 was supposed to be better than 1940, and it probably
was until December 7. OK, I think we have had enough sarcasm, or
is that satire? I am never sure of the difference. I thought we
would start off the New Year with an answer to a question I
receive fairly often, "Where do you get your ideas for your
columns?" Of course, I can't give you the real answer to that or
else you might end up writing the columns instead of me and what
would that leave me to do? So I will give you my made-up, and
hopefully, more clever answer.....
More?
<a href=" http://1-4cav.com/sleuth/ ">Click</a>
http://1-4cav.com/sleuth/
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to
teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Ad Baby
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/adbaby.html ">Click Me!</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/adbaby.html
American Beauty
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/amerbeauty.html ">Click Me!</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/amerbeauty.html
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Mrs Finkel was in her garden, hanging up her washing
on the line when her gossipy neighbor poked her head
over the fence. "I hate to tell you this, Rachel,"
said the gossip, "but there's a rumor that your
husband, Abe, is chasing the shiksas. And at his age
too!" she clucked like a chicken. "He's seventy-five, no?"
"Nu, so he's seventy-five," replied Mrs Finkel. "So
let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars - but when they
catch one, can they drive it?"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
The city dump...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1056 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1056
Clean underwear
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1055 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1055
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San
Francisco's Chinatown.
Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed,
life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so
interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner
what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, and a thousand dollars more for
the story behind it", says the shop owner.
"You can keep the story, old man, but I'll take the rat.", he
replies.
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the
store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step
behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk
faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats
come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at
his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even
faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm
from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by
the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at
the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No
matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously,
now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes
rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city block
long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it
with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay
with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and
clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the
seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea,
where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the
owner.
"No, I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer", says the
tourist.
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
CAT'S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS
* I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room
floor
trying to do sit ups.
* When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
* Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
* I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing
a new board in her computer.
* I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the
speaker phone
button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
* I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
* I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important
emiognaierp
ga3qi4 taij@3tgv aa35 a=
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
It's always darkest before... it starts getting darker.
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
Which country was home to the first railroad in continental Europe?
A. Italy
B. Germany
C. France
D. Holland
<Answers in Next Issue!>
29/12
Last Issue's Answers:
When was the Channel Tunnel connecting England and France completed?
D. 1994
QQ: The main tunnel through which shuttle trains travel is 50 km or 31
miles long and runs from Folkestone, England, to Calais, France.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Annual Meeting
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/annualmtg.html ">Click Me!</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/annualmtg.html
Your Tax Dollars At Work
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/atwork.html ">Click Me!</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/atwork.html
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
[A Classic!]
The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street,
so Anni stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross. A cop was
directing traffic. Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd,
and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The swelling throng surged across Broadway
-- all except Anni, who stayed on the corner.
When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved
the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped
the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion. Again, he
got around to Anni's corner, where by this time she had again been
joined by a crowd of people. Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"
The crowd crossed the street, but again Anni stayed put. She looked at
her watch and tapped her foot as if she was in a hurry to get somewhere, but
never budged from the sidewalk. The cop ran the traffic through seven more
cycles, each time blowing his whistle and then yelling "Okay, pedestrians!"
Anni never moved. Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!"
for the eighth time.
Anni shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let
the Catholics cross?"
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
January 8th 2002 (the first issue of the year)
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m778.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m778.html
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little?
If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this
ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few
acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi. Before I knew
it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on
my new land. Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job
and move down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my new
porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to
sink in.
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
Drunken Sexual Hangman
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dhangman.html ">Play with me</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dhangman.html
BoomBoom Volleyball
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/boomvolley.html ">Play with me</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/boomvolley.html
Yahtzee
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/yahtzee.html ">Play with me</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/yahtzee.html
Britney Brawl
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/britney.html ">Play with me</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/britney.html
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Oil Shortage, An Explanation .. Finally!!
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we
came to have an oil shortage here in Canada.
Well, there's a very simple answer...... Nobody bothered
to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting
low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
All our oil is in Alberta.
All our dipsticks are in Ottawa
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
It used to be that the bartender would say, "Ma'am, that gentleman over
there wants to buy you a drink." You could have a free drink, and he'd
keep his ass WAY over there. Not now! The man these days gets to you
before the drink does.
He says, "Hey, Baby! I's wonderin' how you gonna pay me back for that
drink."
You have to say, "Hey, you bought me a drink; you didn't give me a
kidney. Get your ass back over there and sit down!"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Bad Cat
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badcat.html ">Click Me!</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/badcat.html
Now Thats A BIG Pussy
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bigpsy.html ">Click Me!</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/bigpsy.html
ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
A 21-year-old Australian has been told by the state
government in Perth that she is too fat to adopt a
baby.
Jodie Gaywood said 300lbs was deemed too heavy to
qualify for the West Australian adoption programme.
"I have tried to lose weight," Gaywood told Australia's
AAP news agency.
"I exercise every day, sometimes twice a day. But it
just doesn't budge," she said.
Gaywood has complained she was being discriminated
against unfairly, reports News24.
"What if a 98kg lady adopts, and then next year she
decides to eat and eat and eat and puts weight on,
what are they going to do, take the baby off her?"
Gaywood also applied to go on an IVF programme, but
was told her weight made the treatment too risky.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was visiting
the hospital nursery to see his new son. As the proud father was
admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition, he could not
help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail and
sickly looking by comparison. Just then a nurse went walking by and the
man stopped her for a moment.
"What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked. "He seems awfully
puny and underweight."
"He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the nurse,
"and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid."
"Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man.
"What's that?" asked the nurse.
Replied the man with a smile, ... "Spare the rod and spoil the child."
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] T A R N I S H E D A R C H E S [||||]
McDonald's suffered its first quarterly loss in the fat grammery's 47
year history. (LAD/12/18)
Some analysts predict their menu will soon include a supersized
McChapter 11.
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
One summer evening, a thirteen-year-old came in while his parents were
setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.
His mother said, "No, but I appreciate your asking."
The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying no."
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ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
The bank business..
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1054 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1054
House calls...
<a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1053 ">Click Here </a>
http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.1053
ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
A Kona, Hawaii Patrol Officer observed a vehicle weaving
on the highway and crossing the centerline a few days
before Christmas. Upon stopping the vehicle, the officer
discovered a very intoxicated fellow, dressed in a Santa
costume, at the wheel. After failing the field tests, the
male was transported to the Kona Station for processing.
When given a choice of a breath test or a blood test, the
red nosed fellow opted for the blood test.
After being transported to the local hospital, our tipsy
santa faked a heart attack to try and avoid the blood draw.
The hospital staff confirmed that it was just a "St. Nick
trick" and the jolly old fellow was transported back to the
station where he remained until a Monday morning court
appearence...still in his furry red suit. The district court
judge is expected to place some coal in his stocking this
year.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
What do you call a public transit rider reading The Lord of the Rings?
A subway Tolkien.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"ANOTHER EVENTFUL YEAR AHEAD"
I read an article the other day about New Year's resolutions
for 2003 and I thought, "Wait a minute. Slow down, folks.
I'm still thinking of resolutions for 2002." I've been
known to procrastinate, but this is ridiculous.
Is it just me or did 2002 fly by? It seems like yesterday
that Nicholas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley were introduced
and now they're divorced. It's amazing how much can happen
in 12 months.
Gazing into my crystal ball, I expect 2003 to be just
as eventful. Here's what I see:
---Actress Winona Ryder, recently convicted of shoplifting,
completes 480 hours of community service, including 200
hours working in a homeless shelter, 180 hours picking up
highway litter, and 100 hours distributing anti-drug
pamphlets outside Whitney Houston's home.
---Tiger Woods competes in the 2003 Masters Golf Tournament,
despite widespread protests of Augusta National Golf Club's
all-male membership policy. But Woods expresses his
disapproval by playing the entire tournament wearing a
dress. "If you want to bring about major change," he says,
"you have to take small steps. Next year I'm going to wear
pumps."
---Pope John Paul II grants sainthood to Mother Teresa after
she is credited with a second miracle. The miracle occurred
on March 13, 1999 when a picture of Mother Teresa was placed
on George Foreman's dining table and he decided not to eat
seconds.
---Having decided not to run for president in 2004, Al Gore
pursues a second career in Hollywood, noting that politics
has already given him immeasurable experience in acting. Tom
Hanks, co-producer of the blockbuster "My Big Fat Greek
Wedding," immediately asks Gore to star in a related movie,
tentatively called "My Big Fat Geek Wedding."
---President Bush's approval rating soars to 90% when he
announces that Osama bin Laden has been captured and is
being held in a secret location. When skeptics wonder if the
actual terrorist is in custody or just a look-alike, Bush
agrees to release pictures of bin Laden, soon after the 2004
election.
---The Democratic Party, disappointed in the initial crop of
presidential candidates, offers an unprecedented incentive:
Anyone willing to challenge Bush will be given a lifetime
supply of antidepressants. Former vice president Walter
Mondale offers to run again to help Democrats, but receives
a terse note from party leadership: "You've helped enough
already, thank you."
---Canadian author Rohinton Mistry, already miffed about
being searched at U.S. airports during an aborted book tour,
is further offended when the FBI removes his books from
libraries because they allegedly carry secret messages. An
FBI spokesman reveals the most incriminating piece of
evidence: a turbaned man on the New York subway was spotted
reading Mistry's latest novel upside down. Upon questioning,
the man claimed through a translator that he was just
"pretending to read fine literature to impress the ladies."
---The television industry continues to produce reality
shows, including MTV's popular "Eminem Uncut," HBO's
"Madonna Unguarded," and AMC'S "Rob Schneider Unwatchable."
Bill Clinton agrees to act in his own reality series on NBC,
but plans are shelved when Clinton insists that the show be
called "Hillary 2008: The Road Back to the White House."
---Internet newsletters keep multiplying, with many
celebrities launching specialty ezines. Among the most
popular: Michael Jackson's "Cosmetic Surgery Tips," Sean
Connery's "The Bald and the Beautiful," and Anna Nicole
Smith's advice newsletter "Dear Flabby."
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2002 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
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