ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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receiving these mailings then please visit:
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A word of advice....IF you are planning on trying out for the TV show
American Idol...you may want to run it past a couple of friends first...
I have NEVER heard such lack of talent in my life! Who told these
people they could sing? Are all their friends tone deaf? And then
when they are told they can't sing...they get offended...I'd say thank
you for not letting me make a fool of myself in front of millions of
people...whoops you already did that! Now I hold no illusions of any
hidden music talent in my family...when I sing in the shower...the cats
go into hiding...but I have been known to pick up a kareoke microphone
from time to time...usually when I have had a little too much "liquid
courage"...but there is no way in hell that I would ever think that I could
charm the world with my (ha) talents! So people...do us all a favour...
if you are planning on trying out for American Idol...or if one of your
friends is gonna try out...really...a little bit of talent is necessary!
Remember to check out my two hottest pages:
Free Links: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/links/
Discussion Forum: http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/board/
Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Di Ann, Ishy, Kay,
Laura, Rubin, Barb.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
A mini-skirted, totally blonde, valley girl sashayed
over to her blind date and said, "Like dude, I want
you to totally screw my brains out."
"Sorry," he replied, "I'm not into quickies."
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity dinner
and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make
it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume
party with the theme of emotions. So that night, the
first couple came to the front door, dressed in all
blue. "You were supposed to dress up as an emotion,"
states the doorman.
"We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad
emotion."
Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good
enough. The next couple comes up to the door dressed in
all red clothing. "Sorry, you needed to dress up in a
costume tonight!"
To which the couple reply, "We are, our red clothes
symbolize we are angry. Besides, you let the other couple
before us in." Again, the doorman agrees to let them in.
Then along comes a black guy, completely naked with the
exception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis
stuck into it. The doorman, wide eyed looks at him, "I'm
sorry, but I dont think you have been invited to this dinner.
To which the black man responds in a thick Jamaican accent,
"Actually I was invited!"
"Well you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that
conveys a certain emotion."
The black guy says, "I am in a costume, I'm deep in despair!"
(Deep in this pear)
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1950 Patrick Simmons guitarist/vocal (Doobie Brothers-Minute by Minute)
1950 Richard Dean Anderson Minneapolis MN, actor (MacGyver, Emerald Point NAS)
1950 William Cunningham rock bassist/pianist (Box Tops-Letter)
1950 Danny Federici rocker (E Street Band)
1950 Richard Gilliland Fort Worth TX, actor (Jonesy-Waltons, Tom-Heartland)
1951 Margaret Johnson Bailes Bronx NY, 4X100 runner (Olympics-gold-1968)
1951 Michael Matz equestrian show jumper (Olympics-silver-96)
1952 Omar Henry cricketer (1st colored player for South Africa 1992)
1952 Robin Zander rocker vocalist/guitarist (Cheap Trick-Dream Police)
1953 Pat Haden Westbury NY, NFL quarterback (Los Angeles Rams)
1954 Rick Finch rocker (KC & Sunshine Band-Give It)
1954 Edward Ka-spel English singer/songwriter (Legendary Pink Dots)
1954 Franco De Vita Caracas Venezuela, Spanish singer (Extranjero)
1954 Trevor Hohns cricketer (Australian leg-spinner 1989)
1955 Reginald Calloway trumpet player (Midnight Star-No Parking)
1955 Alexander O'Neal R&B singer
1957 Princess Caroline [Louise Marguerite Grimaldi] of Monaco
1958 Lorraine Michaels Canterbury England, playmate (April 1981)
1959 Tyrone Power Jr Los Angeles CA, actor (Shag)
1959 Earl Falconer British reggae bassist (UB40-Red Red Wine)
1960 Misha Mck East Orange NJ, actress (Gerri-Me & Mrs C)
1960 Greg Ritchie cricketer (Queensland & Australian batsman Fat Cat
Mahatma Cote)
1961 Trey Junkin tight end (Arizona Cardinals)
1963 Gail O'Grady Detroit MI, actress (Hitman, Nobody's Perfect, NYPD Blue)
1963 Hakeem Olajuwon NBA center (Houston Rockets)
1963 Rocco Romano CFL guard (Calgary Stampeders)
1964 Mariska Hargitay Los Angeles CA, actress (Jesse Smith-Downtown)
1964 Frank Winters NFL center (Green Bay Packers-Super Bowl XXXI)
1965 Tim Berrett Tunbridge Wells England, Canadian 20k walker
(Olympics-14-92, 96)
1966 Haywoode Workman NBA guard (Indiana Pacers)
1966 Mike Brim NFL cornerback (Cincinnati Bengals)
1966 Scott Fortune Newport Beach CA, volleyballer (Olympics-G-88,B-92, 96)
1967 Naim Suleymanoglu Bulgaria, Turkish weight lifter (Olympics-gold-1988)
1967 Christine Parris-Washington Truro Nova Scotia, softball (Olympics-96)
1968 Eric Metcalf NFL receiver/running back (Atlanta Falcons, San Diego
Chargers)
1968 Lubomir Kolnik Skalica Czechoslovakia, hockey forward (Team Slovakia,
Espoo)
1968 Petr Korda Prague Czechoslovakia, tennis star (1993 Doubles-Cincinnati
OH)
1968 Todd Scott NFL safety (Tampa Bay Buccaneers)
1969 Brendan Shanahan Mimico Ontario, NHL left wing (Whalers, Red Wings)
1969 Eric Carter CFL cornerback (Hamilton Tiger Cats)
.....and on this day in history:
1950 3rd edition of Joseph Kane's Famous 1st Facts published
1950 Israeli Knesset resolves that Jerusalem is the capital of Israel
1950 NFL rule changes open way for 2-platoon system (offense & defense)
1950 AP picks "Miracle Braves" of 1914 as greatest sports upset
1950 Rebel army of cap Raymond Westerner occupies Bandung
1951 3rd Emmy Awards Alan Young Show, Alan Young & Gertrude Berg
1953 NFL Dallas Texans become Baltimore Colts (now Indianapolis Colts)
1953 NFL's National & American conferences become Eastern & Western
conferences
1953 Bobby Simpson makes 1st-class debut for New South Wales 16 years 357 days
1954 Longest undefeated streak in Toronto Maple Leaf history (18 games)
1954 Harry van Thorn chosen chairman of Dutch KVP
1955 Babe Didrikson-Zaharias wins LPGA Tampa Golf Open
1955 KORK (now KVBC) TV channel 3 in Las Vegas, NV (NBC) 1st broadcast
1958 "Body Beautiful" opens at Broadway Theater New York City NY for 60
performances
1958 Dictator Marcos P�rez Jim�nez flees Venezuela, Larraz�bal takes power
1958 Hanif Mohammad completes 337 in 970 minutes vs West Indies
1960 Piccard & Walsh in bathyscaph "Trieste" reach 10,900 meters in Mariana
Trench
1961 Supreme Court rules cities & states have right to censor films
1961 Venezuela adopts constitution
1962 Libya, Morocco, Algeria & Tunisia plan to form United Arab Maghreb
1962 Bob Feller & Jackie Robinson elected to Baseball Hall of Fame
1962 British spy Kim Philby defects to USSR
1964 24th Amendment ratified, barring poll tax in federal elections
1964 Arthur Miller's "After the Fall" premieres in New York City NY
1965 "The King Family Show" (musical variety) premieres on ABC TV
1965 Boston Celtic center Bill Russell misses all 14 shots in loss to
Philadelphia Warriors led by Wilt Chamberlain
1965 BPAA All-Star Tournament won by Dick Weber
1967 Stan Musial is named GM of Cards
1968 Spy ship USS Pueblo & 83-man crew seized in Sea of Japan by N Korea
1968 Joe Medwick elected to Baseball Hall of Fame
1969 Cream releases their last album "Goodbye"
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
You know you're from Mississippi if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in
it, no matter what time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect or animal.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
9. You know what "cow tipping" is.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
11. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but
requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
12. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
13. You find 100 degrees F "a little warm."
14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer,
and Christmas.
15. You know whether another Mississippian is from east, west, north or
south Mississippi as soon as they open their mouth.
16. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin" or
off to "Wally World."
17. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ...it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor. Example "What kinna coke you want?"
19. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from
Mississippi
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
The Skinny on Being Fat.
by The Long Island Sleuth
As I wrote in last week's Meisterzingers, 60% of all Americans are obese.
At last I am no longer a minority. I finally made it to the majors. If you
are one of those people who can eat all you want and never gain an ounce,
then you cannot empathize with someone like me. And, alas, I have no
sympathy for someone like you. I have to look at food in terms of mileage.
Since my primary form of exercise is walking, I have to identify how many
miles I would have to walk in order to burn off the calories in that jelly
donut before I eat it. I have to count carbs, fat grams, sodium,
cholesterol, and fiber content of a food before I decide to eat it. And not
just total fat grams either. I have to break it down into saturated fats,
polyunsaturated fats, mono saturated fats, and transfatty acids. In other
words, I have to engage in a quantitative and qualitative analysis before I
can take a bite. When you take all of that away, what have you got left?
Water, if you are lucky.
More.....
<a href=" http://1-4cav.com/sleuth/ ">Long Island Sleuth</a>
http://1-4cav.com/sleuth/
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"I won't say our school was tough, but we had our own coroner.
We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow
up."
-Lenny Bruce
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Nice Butt
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nicebutt.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/nicebutt.html
Not Your Day
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/notyourday.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/notyourday.html
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument,
both of them unwilling to admit they might be in
error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a
conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right.
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!!"
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Nancy's nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed
him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick. His little face
scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of there?"
She wanted to keep it simple so she said, "The doctor will help."
His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "You've got a doctor in
there, too?"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
[A Classic!]
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle
laying in the street. Suddenly, out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you
one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally
the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss
tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in
it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells
the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best
tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela,
Consuela, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of
the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink it. Consuela is
reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has
ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The
result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the
sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and
tells his wife, "Consuela grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink
tequila."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks
him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from
the bottle!!"
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying
there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhhh."
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
Things you want to see growing in your garden includes all these plants
EXCEPT which one?
A. Pansy
B. Shepherd's Purse
C. Rose
D. Dusty Miller
<Answers in Next Issue!>
12/01
Last Issue's Answers:
How much fertilizer can one earth worm produce in a year?
D. 0.33 pounds
QQ: An Earthworm produces about one-third a pound of fertilizer each year.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Glad I Dont Have To Answer Their Phone
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/phatphuc.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/phatphuc.html
Pope On A Rope
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/poperope.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly
matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the
cigarette smoke of the young blonde woman beside her.
Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She
turned to the blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young
lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"
"So would I," quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just
isn't time enough during a coffee break."
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
One year ago today...January 23rd 2002:
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m788.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m788.html
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in
radiology. Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for
the grade. "You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor. "I
do." said the student. "A fine picture," the professor said, "of your
lungs, stomach, and liver." "If it's a fine picture, then why did you
give me an F?" asked the student "I had no choice," said the professor.
"You didn't put your heart in it."
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
Balloon Pop Word Game
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/balloonpop.html ">Click</a>
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GEMS (Very Addictive)
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ӿ�--------------ON THE ROAD WITH AN IDIOT---------------ӿ�
[Well this is a surprise treat for you...Todd has written a final
installment in this series to wrap it all up. Once again thanks
Todd for your contributions over the last year...good luck in the
future.]
Well, after being on the road for a year with an idiot,
you should be well on your way to being a better driver.
Or at the very least, you may be a better three-wood, a
better nine iron, or a slightly improved putter.
All good things end with a final. Got your pencils ready?
Question 1: A yellow light means:
A. Slow down and prepare to stop
B. Go very fast
C. Nothing more than the other colors.
Question 2: A passive-aggressive driver will not:
A. Pass you and then go slower than you.
B. Drive around with a perpetual turn-signal blinking
C. Survive a semi-automatic weapon fired from a normal
car's length distance
Question 3: Bright orange cones signify:
A. A legitimate construction zone�slow down
B. An obstacle course
C. The end of driving as we know it�grab a Snickers�
Question 4: The name of the man holding the Slow/Stop sign is:
A. Unimportant, for you should show him respect anyway.
B. Bob, but he spells it with two O's
C. Unimportant, since you plan on running him over anyway.
Question 5: A constantly blinking turn signal usually means:
A. Someone is about to turn.
B. A mechanical failure.
C. An idiot
Question 6: A traffic sign with three sides is:
A. A yield sign
B. A triangle, Euclid
C. Why bother counting sides when you've got people to run
off the road
Question 7: The best way to handle a snowstorm is:
A. Drive slowly, and avoid driving altogether if possible
B. Buy a snowplow for the front of your vehicle
C. Drive as fast as you can to cut down your chances of
being in accident.
BONUS: Question 8: The best web site is:
A. ESPN.com
B. Any porn site
C. http://www.geocities.com/psulionsden
Scoring:
If you answered A for any question, you obviously weren't
paying attention.
If you answered B for any questions, you are getting closer,
but you probably shouldn't drive there.
If you answered C for the questions, congratulations, you are
an unofficial driving idiot!
Thanks for miles of memories!
� 2003 by Todd A. Sponsler
Todd A. Sponsler, MD is an opto... ofphtha... offtha... an eye surgeon
trying to prove that doctors can write something other than illegible
prescriptions. He currently composts (I mean composes) a humor
column on his website called The Lions Den. For humor dispensed
in nearly fatal doses go to www.geocities.com/psulionsden.
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A rich man went to his pastor and said, "I want you and your
wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense.
When you come back, I'll have a surprise for you."
The pastor accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to
the Middle East.
Three months later they returned home and were met by the
wealthy member, who told them that while they were gone, he had
had a new church built. "It's the finest building money can buy,
pastor," said the man. "No expense was spared."
And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both inside and
out. But there was one striking difference. There was only one
pew, and it was at the very back.
"A church with only one pew?" asked the pastor.
"You just wait until Sunday," the rich man said.
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals
entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down.
When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit
closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the
rear pew began to move forward. When it reached the front of
the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty
pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down.
And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until
finally the church was full, from front to back.
"Wonderful!" said the pastor, "Marvelous!"
The service began, and the pastor started to preach his sermon.
He launched into his text, and when 12 o'clock came, he was
still going strong, with no end in sight.
Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the
pulpit dropped open.
"Wonderful!" said the congregation, "Marvelous!"
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've
finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no
more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"
Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned about your
declining health?"
Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining
wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I couldn't afford
cigarettes."
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Okay I Am Wearing My Protection. Now What?
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See Through Bikini
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ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
Families in Italy are being asked to 'adopt' a
prostitute, as part of a campaign aimed at
clearing the streets of working girls.
City councillors in Padua say they hope it will
be the first step towards reintegrating thousands
of young prostitutes back into society.
The campaign is called Adopt a Glow-worm. 'Glow worm'
means "loose girl" in Italian slang.
Raffaele Zanon, from the city council, said: "Natur-
ally this initiative is just a drop in the ocean, but
it is important to support those girls who want to
make a new start in life.
"It is also important that institutions support the
families who are willing to take the reformed prost-
itutes into their homes."
Some 70,000 prostitutes sell themselves on Italy's
streets. The majority come from eastern Europe or
Africa, and 40% are underage.
The Austrian Press Agency reports the adoption project
has the support of two human rights organisations that
are helping prepare people for their new family members.
In recent months Italy has launched a fierce campaign
against prostitution. In Rome, punters face fines of
up to $5000 and prostitutes caught by authorities more
than once can find themselves jailed for up to 15 days.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Wendy and Keli, two widows, are talking when Wendy says, "That nice John
Johnson asked me out for a date ... I know you went out with him last week,
and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Keli smiled and said, "Well ... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he
brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's
there but a beautiful car ... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then
he takes me out for dinner - marvellous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a
show ... let me tell you, Wendy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just
died from
pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into a complete ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress rips down my
expensive new
red silk panties and has wild sex with me four times!"
Wendy is shocked. "Goodness gracious! ... so you are telling me I shouldn't
go out with him?"
Keli shook her head vigorously. "Hell, no! I'm just saying, you better wear
your old clothes."
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] F I G L E A F A I R [||||]
"What's being billed as the first nude airline flight takes off from
Miami International Airport on May 3, destined for Cancun... and just
for the record, the pilots and flight attendants will be clothed."
(USA/1/17)
And wearing rubber gloves. Who knows where those boarding passes have
been?
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I asked
her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children. She said it
was the one thing she regretted about her sexual orientation, that she might
never be a mother.
She's a stunning looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to be
impregnated I'd be happy to help out, purely altruistically, of course.
She shot me a mega-death stare, and told me with a curling lip that if she
ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.
"No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell you I love you."
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
I work in a county jail in the state of New Mexico. As
a result, I see a lot of police reports. About 4 mos.
ago, I read the funniest one I have ever read and would
like to share it with you.
A young man was walking down the street high on mushrooms.
It was 2:30 am and there was only one house with a light on
in the window. He decided that this was "eternity" and he
was going to get there that night.
He began banging on the door, trying to get to "eternity",
but nobody would let him in. He then decided to get in
through the window, so he picked up a lawn chair and threw
it through the window. Just then the devil showed up with
a shotgun. (the owners of the property).
The wife called police as the husband had this guy on his
knees in his living room. Police responded to the residence
and observed the broken window. He went inside to arrest the
suspect, when the suspect asked "Are you God?"
The officer replied "No, but he sent me here to save you."
The suspect then put his hands behind his back, thanking the
officer.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
How long does it take to fill the red sea?
A very long period.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
=========================
THE HUMOR OF MELVIN DURAI
=========================
"DRIVING A STICK SHIFT ISN'T AUTOMATIC"
I tried to warn her. I tried to tell my wife, Malathi, that
learning to drive a stick shift is much harder than an
automatic, but did she listen? Nope, she was too busy
drooling over the burgundy Subaru Legacy wagon in a dealer's
lot, convinced that THIS was the car for her, never mind
that it had an extra pedal and a gear stick that went in
more directions than Don King's hair.
"Why is it called a manual transmission?" she asked, and I
tried to think of a simple but effective explanation:
"Because every time you drive this car, you'll have to
consult the manual. Now what do you say we look for an
automatic?"
The salesman was no help. He told Malathi that he once
taught a female customer to drive a stick shift in 10
minutes. Ten minutes? That's how long it took Malathi to
realize she'd have to use both feet.
The salesman, of course, would have said just about anything
to get Malathi to buy the car. Considering it had power
locks and windows, I'm surprised he didn't call it a
semiautomatic. That would have given me a great way to get
rid of telemarketers: "If you don't stop calling me at home,
I'm going to send my wife over there with her semiautomatic.
It's got four cylinders!"
I tried to tell Malathi that it might take weeks, even
months, for her to drive the car smoothly. "Stick shifts
aren't easy," I said. But she had seen me handle a stick
shift -- I've never owned an automatic -- and she thought,
"If clumsy can do it, why can't I?"
She was soon signing the purchase agreement, beaming from
ear to ear, almost as thrilled as the salesman. And so began
one of the most frustrating periods of her life, as she
attempted, bravely, to tame the stick-shift monster. "Go!
Go! Go!" she would yell, as the car jerked and shook and
stalled, unable to grasp such simple instructions. I tried
to help, of course: "It's a Japanese car. What's the
Japanese word for 'go'?"
Growing weary of my snide remarks, she tried to hire a
professional instructor, but couldn't find one who taught
stick shift. She was stuck with me -- in a way that even
those wedding vows couldn't have prepared her. I was ready
to answer all her questions, even if I had to be blunt.
Malathi: "Why is the car making that awful grinding noise?
Did I forget to do something?"
Me: "Yes. Clutch! Clutch! Clutch!"
Malathi (gripping steering wheel tightly): "I'm clutching!
I'm clutching."
Actually, she wasn't quite that bad. I'm proud to say that
my wife improved steadily, day by day, and in just two
weeks, with a smile on her face, she was ready to try second
gear.
It wasn't long before she was cruising down the road,
switching gears with ease, wondering why her husband had
made such a fuss. Then the inevitable happened: She spotted
something red in the distance and said, "Oh no, it's a stop
sign. How do I stop this thing?"
I had to remind her that stick shifts, just like automatic
cars, are equipped with brakes, saving her the trouble
of sticking her left foot out. But what she really wanted to
know was which gear to stop in. She didn't care for my
answer: "Any gear, dear. Just make sure you stop."
----------------------------------------------------------
(c) Copyright 2003 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved.
Melvin Durai is an Indiana-based writer and
humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia
and moved to the U.S. in the early 1980s. Read his
previous columns at http://www.melvindurai.com
For a free subscription to his columns,
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