ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
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<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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Well I watched my annual one game of NFL Football on Sunday...I HATE
NFL Football just so you know...but the Superbowl has that special mass
appeal to it. Actually I hardly watched any of the game...but I did watch
ALL the commercials! Its quite amazing what they put together for that
one game. Our Canadian TV stations were not showing the US commercials
but we were able to pull them in off our satellite dish. My favourite spot was
the "FedEx Castaway" ad. If you want to check out some of the ads that
you may have missed you can find them all for quick download right here:
http://superbowl.ifilm.com/superbowl/ [Thanks to Ed for that one]
The other highlight of the Superbowl was that performance by Shania
Twain! Man has she still got it! She took a five year break to have a child
and a little privacy...moved to Switzerland so she can just "be herself" ...
but she is back with a new album that is rocketing up the charts. I also
found it curious that two of the headline performers: Shania Twain and
Celene Dion are both Canadian! The biggest game in the US football
season and the acts that perform are from Canada! Now that says
something about our talents up here. And I think we have proven that
with the lacklustre performances on American Idol II ... okay I am off..
enjoy the rest of the issue.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Lissa, Rubin, Barb, Posen,
Wayne, Ishy, Barbara, SunAmy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
Why do Canadians prefer to have sex in the doggy-style position?
So that BOTH of them can watch the hockey game on TV!
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas.......
Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4
inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all
four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Superglue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odour is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time to my
house.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade... True story:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow fullof
straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my
house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man
said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...
'Holy Shit, a talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1950 Barbi Benton [Klein], California, Playboy model/actress (Hee Haw,
Sugar Time!)
1950 David Carl Hilmer Iowa, Colonel USMC/astronaut (STS 51-J, 26, 36, 42)
1950 Glyn Ford British MEP
1951 Gordon Prentice British MP
1951 Leonid Konstantinovich Kadenyuk Kkishkov Ukraine, astronaut (STS 87)
1951 Susan Buckner Seattle WA, actress (George-Hardy Boys)
1951 William Nelson Jr US bassist (Connections & Disconnections)
1953 Debbie Steinbach LPGA golfer
1953 Michael Day rocker
1954 Anicee Alvina Paris France, actress (Friends)
1954 Shawn Murray rock drummer (Mink Deville)
1956 Peter Schilling Stuttgart Germany, rocker (Major Tom-Coming Home)
1957 Harley Jane Kozak actress (Arachnophobia, Necessary Roughness)
1957 Nick Price Durban South Africa, PGA golfer (1991 Byron Nelson Classic)
1959 Dave Sharp rock guitarist (Alarm-In the Summertime)
1960 John Caliri Providence RI, actor (Vinnie-Square Pegs, Double Trouble)
1961 Luann L Lee Santa Monica CA, playmate (Jan, 1987)
1962 Keith Hamilton Cobb Tarrytown NY, actor (Noah Keefer-All My Children)
1962 Michael Cage NBA forward/center (Cleveland Cavaliers, New Jersey Nets)
1962 Sam Phillips singer/actress (Die Hard with a Vengeance)
1963 Danny Spitz heavy metal guitarist (Anthrax-Protest & Survive)
1963 Colleen Harp Washington DC, WPVA volleyballer (US Open-9th-1994)
1963 Denise Beillmann Switzerland, figure skater (Olympics-4th-1980)
1964 Dwight Stone NFL receiver/running back (Carolina Panthers, Green Bay
Packers)
1964 Emlyn Aubrey PGA golfer (1995 Nestles-25th)
1966 Jeff Uhlenhake NFL center (New Orleans Saints, Washington Redskins)
1966 Michal Pivonka Kladno Czechoslovakia, NHL center (Washington Capitals)
1967 Peter Hofstede Dutch soccer player (Roda JC, FC Utrecht)
1967 Tom Hodson NFL quarterback (New Orleans Saints)
1968 Henry Hering Pointe-Claire Qu�bec Canada, rower (Olympics-9-92, 96)
1968 Marnie McBean Vancouver BC, rower (Olympics-gold-92, 96)
1968 Sarah McLachlan folk singer (Fumbling Towards Ecstasy)
1969 Giorgio Lamberti Italian free style swimmer (world record 200m)
1969 John Veenhof Dutch soccer player (FC Groningen)
.....and on this day in history:
1950 Preston Tucker, auto maker, found not guilty of mail fraud
1951 "La Vie Commence Demain", which depicted artificial insemination & is
the 1st X-rated movie, opened in London
1951 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1953 J Fred Muggs (the chimp) joins NBC's "Today Show"
1953 WJTV TV channel 12 in Jackson, MS (CBS) begins broadcasting
1956 Elvis Presley's 1st TV appearance (Dorsey Brothers Stage Show)
1957 "Tonight! America After Dark" premieres, with Jack Lescoulie & Al
(Jazzbo) Collins on NBC (between Steve Allen & Jack Paar)
1958 Construction began on 1st private thorium-uranium nuclear reactor
1958 Dodger catcher Roy Campanella is paralyzed in an automobile wreck
1959 Soviet Union wins 62-37 for 1st international basketball loss by US
1960 1st photograph bounced off Moon, Washington DC
1960 NFL announces Dallas Cowboys (1960) & Minnesota Vikings (1961) franchises
1960 Goon Show's final episode on BBC
1961 Republic of Rwanda proclaimed
1962 Johanne Relleke gets stung by bees 2,443 times in Rhodesia & survives
1963 -34�F (-37�C), Cynthiana KY (state record)
1965 The Who make their 1st appearance on British TV
1967 Rolling Stones release "Let's Spend the Night Together"
1968 29th PGA Seniors Golf Championship Chandler Harper
1968 Goose Goslin & Kiki Cuyler elected to baseball Hall of Fame
1969 Barbara Jo Rubin becomes 1st woman jockey to win in North America
1969 2nd ABA All-Star Game West 133 beats East 127 at Louisville
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
BELIEVE IT OR ELSE
Logic
Before you go tearing your hair out over Bush's promises during his new State
of the Union Address, perhaps you should take the time to peruse this site,
which compares Bush's promises to Congress with his actual actions.
Priorities
Amount spent by the U.S. government to investigate Bill Clinton's penis:
$62 million.
Amount spent by the U.S. government to investigate the attacks on 9/11: $3
million.
More? Check out Disinfotainment Today at:
<a href=" http://home.earthlink.net/~disinfotainment ">Click Here</a>
http://home.earthlink.net/~disinfotainment/
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of
current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all
kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are
especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."
-Dave Barry
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
How M & M Minis Are Made
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mmminis.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mmminis.html
I Miss My Exs Little Romantic Statements
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jill49.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
My husband and I were in line at a theme park when we noticed two
teenagers in front of us, passionately hugging and kissing. They didn't
even come up for air when the line moved.
As we waited, their displays of affection became more and more
embarrassing.
Finally one park employee approached them and said, "Hey, Kids, this is
a place to bring your families, not have them.
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
During a course in human sexuality, the instructor
was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.
The class members gasped audibly when the instructor
read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in
a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that...
Who was HE?'"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed.
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the
ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them
away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to
work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up
and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a
good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say
it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women
buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the
office excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same
down-trodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?"
asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some
of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking
women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
Which clown fact about Willard Scott of the Today Show is NOT true?
A. Played the first Ronald McDonald
B. Portrayed Bozo the Clown on TV
C. Is actually allergic to clowns and breaks out into hives at the sight of
them
D. Recipient of the Clown Hall of Fame Lifetime of Laughter Achievement Award
<Answers in Next Issue!>
01/09
Last Issue's Answers:
Which is NOT a deity associated with gardens?
D. Rhabbita was the goddess of small creatures and had to
be placated to keep animals from eating your garden
produce.
QQ: Athena, Demeter, and Faunus were all real though. I'd
not heard of Faunus before (or if I had I'd forgotten) but
apparently he is the grandson of Saturn.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
MacLogic
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/maclogic.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/maclogic.html
Thanks For Parking So Close
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mmthx.html ">Click</a>
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mmthx.html
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The Origins Of Jewish Oral Law:
When Moses went up to the Mt. Sinai to receive the oral
explanation of God's laws, he was quite confused with the
commandment . . . "Do not boil a kid in it's mother's milk".
Moses (Perplexed): I don't quite understand this line about
boiling a kid in it's own mothers milk. What does it mean?
God: It means, don't boil a kid in it's mother's milk. That's
what it says...and that's what it means !
Moses thinks for a while and replies: Oh I get it, it means
that we shouldn't eat meat products and dairy products on the
same plate.
God: No, it means don't boil a kid in it's mother's milk.
Moses: Oh, I get it. We should have a separate set of dishes
for dairy and meat products.
God: No, it means don't boil a kid in it's mother's milk.
Moses: Oh, I see. It means we should wait an appropriate amount
of time after eating flesh before we can intake of milk or any
dairy product. But fish is o.k. since it doesn't give milk.
God: No, it means don't boil a kid in it's mother's milk.
Moses: What about chicken? it doesn't give milk but it sort
of tastes like the flesh of a milk producing beast?
God: MOSES! IT MEANS DON'T BOIL A KID IN IT'S MOTHER'S MILK!
Moses: OK I think I got it all now. We should have a separate set of
cooking and eating utensils for meat and dairy products. After
partaking of meat we should wait an appropriate amount of time before
we partake of any dairy products. Fish should not be considered as meat
since it doesn't give milk. Chicken, on the other hand should be
considered as meat even though it doesn't produce milk since it
tastes a lot like it does.
God: ...Whatever ! !....Have it your way !
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past three years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
January 27th 2001
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m600.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m600.html
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles
are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way
of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did
he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
Tennis
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Play Simon
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ӿ�-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------ӿ�
A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each
Tuesday edition...miss a segment?...then check out the
archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj
They traveled for more than a but nothing had dramatically changed. They
wondered and hoped that the cats had found more success. Suddenly Shep began
to bark frantically. The others raced towards the sound of his bark that
seemed to echo forever. As they got to him he exclaimed, "Just stop and sniff
for a moment."
They did as instructed and sure enough they could smell something. They
weren't sure what it was but they did know the direction it was coming from
and they raced to get there as fast as they could. In the distance they could
see another hole in the ground with a small amount of debris surrounding it.
It was much bigger than the cat's hole but not quite as big as their basement
home.
Sure enough, the hole was another basement of another home destroyed. The
smell was surely some kind of animal flesh. They crept in slowly and the
smell grew stronger. It took a minute for their eyes to adjust to the
darkness but when they did they realized they had a major find on their
hands. This basement had a freezer in it that was apparently knocked over
during the comet. The meat inside had thawed out. There was everything they
could've imagined; steaks, rump roast, pork chops. all there and for the
taking.
Copyright 2001-03 D. Scott
Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying
cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip.
"Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?"
"Well, the child was born without a penis," the doctor said...
"Oh, oh my goodness!" said the gossip... and with a smile on her
face, she turned to head into town to spread the news.
Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly
grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear, "But
she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 20 years!"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all
dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start
out, the cat shoots back in the house. They don't want the cat shut in the
house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs
to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will
be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say
good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long" he says, "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke
her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her
in a blanket to keep her from scratching me as I hauled
her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard !!"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
WeightLifter
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Stand Closer
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ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
Thailand's health ministry will launch a troupe of specially trained
bosom-enhancing dancers on Valentine's Day to show women how to boost their
bust lines without resorting to ill-fitting and often expensive bras.
Pennapa Subcharoen, deputy director-general of the ministry's department of
traditional medicine, said Thai women had been bombarded with images of
big-busted women via the media and many felt they were inadequate.
"Many women are not aware that wearing an appropriate size of bra and
regularly taking bosom-firming dance can make their wish come true,"
Pennapa said. "So we are training 12 pairs of instructors to teach
women how to take care of their breasts and we plan to launch them on
Valentine's Day nationwide," she said.
She said many bras on the market were inappropriate for Thai women and
wearing bras of the wrong size could also be harmful over a long time. She
said each dance team would consist of a small-chested and a large-chested
instructor to provide bosom-firming dance lessons at state-run sports centers
starting on February 14.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Sam was furious when he found out the checking account was
empty. When he Anni, she simply said, "It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled Sam.
"In bed," Anni explained, "you've been making early withdrawals
for years. Now, it's my turn."
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] P U P J U S T I C E [||||]
"A (Winchester, VA) man apparently was beating his dog, a 2 year old
Chinese Shar-Pei, on the head with the butt of a shotgun when the gun
discharged, killing the man." (LAT/1/25)
Services for the victim are scheduled for Friday, following which the
pooch will be named "Hero of the Year" by the Westminster Kennel Club.
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of
his employees.
"Certainly not! There's no proof of it." the clerk replied.
"Well there is now," the boss said. "After you left early
yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped
in to see you."
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
A New Orleans driver experiencing some road rage on a
Chalmette street allegedly chose to yell an obscenity
and extend a middle finger at another motorist -- who
turned out to be a St. Bernard Parish sheriff's deputy
in an unmarked car.
To make matters worse for him, the angry man also had
two partially burned marijuana cigarettes in his vehicle,
was driving with an expired license and didn't have any
proof of insurance, authorities said.
Eric Kurtz was booked with possession of marijuana and
disturbing the peace by road rage, as well as charges
involving the expired license and lack of proof of insurance,
according to a sheriff's report of the 2:30 p.m. incident.
He was released from jail on bond but there was no information
available on the amount involved.
The sheriff's report said Deputy Richard Jackson, of the
sheriff's special investigations division, was on patrol in
an unmarked car on Paris Road when Kurtz allegedly pulled
out in front of Jackson's vehicle, realized he couldn't enter
the lane safely and slammed on his brakes, yelled an obscenity
and gestured toward Jackson with a raised middle finger.
Jackson called for a marked patrol car and Kurtz was stopped
on Paris Road and arrested.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
You Know, It's Just. . . "It"
RYAN: Welcome back to another episode of American Idol, where lots of
pop superstar wannabes show their stuff to our panel of judges, Paula
Abdul, Randy Jackson, and Simon "Scowl" Cowell. Let's go inside the
judges' room and see if we can find America's next American Idol.
PAULA: Hi, I'm Paula, and I'm speechless. Let's see, your name is, uhh,
Lucy-Anno?
LUCIANO: It's Luciano. And I'm going to sing the aria from "Rigoletto."
(Luciano sings for 10 seconds)
PAULA: Wow, I'm speechless. I don't know what to say. I'm just stunned
into complete silence. I mean I just can't think of anything to say.
RANDY: That wasn't bad. But I have to say, Lucy, you just don't have the
. . . physique we're looking for in a pop star.
SIMON: Actually, aside from you being very fat, that was probably the
worst thing I've ever heard.
LUCIANO: What?! I've been an opera singer for nearly 60 years.
SIMON: No, you've been deluding yourself for 60 years; you just don't
have "It."
LUCIANO: "It?" What is "It?!" I'm Luciano freakin' Pavarotti. Maybe
you've heard of me? I've sung all over the world for millions of people.
I've given performances to kings, queens, and presidents.
RANDY: I'm sure you think so, but it's not happening here.
SIMON: Yes, you're the worst singer in the world. Get out.
PAULA: Thank you for coming. I'm speechless.
LUCIANO: Yeah, whatever.
RANDY: Let's see, next we have Bruce.
BRUCE: Hi, how ya' doin'? I'll be doing "Born to Run."
(Bruce sings for 10 seconds)
PAULA: Wow. I don't know what to say. I'm speechless. Mere words cannot
describe what I'm feeling right now, so I'm just speechless. I don't
even know how to begin to enunciate the emotions that I--
RANDY: You're a little old to be a pop singer, Bruce. And you just don't
have "It." Sorry, man.
BRUCE: What do you mean, I don't have "It?" I've been a rock singer for
30 years!
SIMON: Then you should hire a lawyer and sue your music teacher. That
was probably the worst thing I've ever heard. Your voice is too gritty
and rough to make it in the music business.
BRUCE: Are you kidding me? I'm Bruce Springsteen. You know, "The Boss?"
I've made 20 albums in 30 years, and I have my own band.
RANDY: Look, making some demo tapes on a $20 tape recorder does not
constitute "an album." And just because you have your own band doesn't
make you a singer. I've never heard of you.
SIMON: You're the worst singer in the entire world. Please go now.
PAULA: I've never heard of you either. Oh, and I'm speechless.
BRUCE: Bunch of know-nothing jerks.
PAULA: Okay, next we have . . . is it Oh-zee?
OZZY: Ozzy.
RANDY: What are you going to sing for us, Ozzy?
OZZY: Uh gunh sin "Crazy Train."
(Ozzy sings for 10 seconds)
PAULA: Speechless. I'm just speechless. Like the great French mime,
Marcel Marceau, I simply do not have anything to say.
SIMON: That was absolutely, without a doubt, the worst thing I've ever
heard. Oh, and you're the worst singer in the world.
RANDY: I don't know who you're supposed to be with all these tattoos and
the long hair, but you're definitely not going to make it in the music
business.
OZZY: What'rr ya talkin' 'bout. Ah'm a bluddy supestarrr.
RANDY: What? I can't understand a word you're saying. Look, you just
don't have "It."
OZZY: "It?" Wha da "BLEEP" iz "It?"
SIMON: "It" is something you don't have. And you're the worst at not
having "It."
OZZY: Luk, Ah'm Ozzy Osbourne. Ya kno, da Prinz uv "BLEEP" Darknuss. Da
Osbournes? Frum da telly. Wit Sharon and dose tu brats. I wuz in Black
Sabbath.
PAULA: What's Black Sabbath? I don't think I've heard of that. Is that a
bug spray?
SIMON: Listen, you're the worst singer in the -- oh, I already said
that. Now get out.
OZZY: Buncha mineluss slogs wun't kno moozik frum uh fert.
PAULA: Buh-bye. I'm speechless!
SIMON: I wish you were speechless. You're the worst judge in the world.
You just don't have "It."
PAULA: Yeah, well you're a pompous "BLEEP!"
RANDY: By the way, what is "It" anyway?
RYAN: Well, that's all we have time for on this week's American Idol. Be
sure to join us next week when we search for the next. . . American
Idol.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
--
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