ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
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receiving these mailings then please visit:
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Wow...I guess nightclubs are not the place to be lately. 21 dead in Chicago
after a stampede and now at least 39 killed in Rhode Island after a fire that
was caused by onstage pyrotechnics during a performance by Great White!
With all the terrorism and war talk going on ... it is sometimes still the
simple
normal everyday things that we do that create the biggest problems. My
prayers and thoughts go out to those affected by both of these tragedies.
Don't forget to check out our new site as it continues to grow:
<a href=" http://www.wastedwebspace.com ">Click</a>
http://www.wastedwebspace.com
Today's issue includes contributions by: Pat, Di Ann, Nevanish,
SunAmy, Marina, D.A. Funk, Witch, Tom.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
Why is sex with your wife like eating at McDonald's?
It's always the same thing and afterwards, you swear you'll never do it
again.
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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men or Panties for women...all free just for you!
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Top 14 Worst Things To Say At Your Trial:
14. "Wait! It's a little tight, but... Yes! The glove *does* fit!"
13. "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth, so help me Satan, Lord of Eternal Hellfire."
12. "Don't worry, Your Honor -- it ain't loaded."
11. "I request a change of venue to Virginia. No, wait... Texas!"
10. "I got your DNA right here, pal!"
9. "Oh yeah? You and what jury?"
8. "Is this gonna take long? 'Cause I really gotta run by the store and
pick up some more formaldehyde."
7. "Liar! You couldn't have seen me, I was wearing a mask!"
6. "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Naw, I'm just joking. Bring that bible
back up here."
5. "You call these friggin' boneheads a jury of my peers?"
4. "Rape and murder? Absolutely not, Your Honor. At least, not in that
order."
3. "Your Honor, with your permission, I'd like to play the race card
now."
2. "Who died and made you Mr. I-Decide-The-Law?"
1. "Hey, who do I have to stab to get a glass of water around here?"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1951 John Parker cricketer (New Zealand batsman of 70s)
1951 Michael Cotten rock synthesizer (Tubes)
1951 Vince Welnick rock keyboardist (Tubes)
1952 Jean-Jacques Brunel rock bassist (Stranglers-Dreamtime)
1953 Christine Ebersole Park Forest IL, actress (Saturday Night Live,
Barbara-Valerie, My Favorite Martian, Tootsie)
1953 William L Petersen actor (Return to Lonesome Dove)
1954 Ivo van Damme Belgium, 800/1500 meter dash (Olympics-silver-1976)
1956 Woody Brown Dayton OH, actor (Cliff-Facts of Life, Flamingo Road,
Dominion)
1958 Jack Coleman Easton PA, actor (Steven Carrington-Dynasty)
1958 Jake Steinfeld exercise expert (Body by Jake)
1958 Alan Trammell Garden Grove CA, infielder (Detroit Tigers)
1958 Mary-Chapin Carpenter Princeton NJ, country singer (This Shirt,
Shooting Straight in the Dark)
1961 Christopher Atkins Rye NY, actor (Peter-Dallas, Blue Lagoon)
1961 Ranking Roger rock vocalist (English Beat-Drowning)
1961 Yobes Ondieki Kenya, 10K runner (world record)
1963 Greg Turner Dunedin New Zealand, Australasia golfer
1963 Michael Gostigian Newtown Square PA, pentathlete (Olympics-16th-88,
92, 96)
1964 Alana Soares Redondo Beach CA, playmate (March 1983)
1964 Mark E Kelly Orange NJ, Lieutenant USN/astronaut
1964 Scott J Kelly Orange NJ, Lieutenant USN/astronaut
1964 Willie Pless CFL linebacker (Edmonton Eskimos)
1965 Jayson Meyer Regina Saskatchewan, hockey defenseman (Team Germany)
1965 Keith Arthurton cricketer (Charlestown, Nevis West Indies lefty bat)
1966 Bronwen Booth London, actress (Andy-One Life to Live, Glory & Honor)
1966 Chris Donnels US baseball infielder (Houston Astros)
1966 Edie Boyer St Paul MN, discus thrower
1966 Tommy Hendricks rocker
1966 Wendy James London England, vocalist (Transvision Vamp-Velveteen)
1967 Bas Roorda Dutch soccer player (FC Groningen, NEC)
1967 Leroy Russel Burrell Philadelphia PA, long jumper (Olympics-96)
1967 Patrick Lodewijks Dutch soccer player (PSV, FC Groningen)
1968 Todd Ferich computer language expert
1968 Pellom McDaniels NFL defensive end (Kansas City Chiefs)
1968 Terry Allen NFL running back (Minnesota Vikings, Washington Redskins)
1969 Dean Noel CFL full back (Hamilton Tiger Cats)
1969 Petra Kronberger Austrian alpine skier (Olympics-gold-1992)
.....and on this day in history:
1950 WOI TV channel 5 in Ames-Des Moines IA (ABC/PBS) begins broadcasting
1951 South Carolina House urges "Shoeless Joe" Jackson be reinstated
1952 Bangladesh Martyrs Day (martyrs of Bengali Language Movement)
1952 Dick Button performs 1st figure skating triple jump in competition
1952 Liz Taylor's 2nd marriage (Michael Wilding)
1953 Longest collegiate basketball game (6 OTs) Niagara beats Siena 88-81
1953 "Maggie" closes at National Theater NYC after 5 performances
1953 F Crick & J Watson discover structure of DNA-molecule
1957 Dodgers (Ft Worth) & Cubs (Los Angeles) "trade" minor league franchises
1958 "Portotino" opens at Adelphi Theater NYC for 3 performances
1958 Egypt-Syria as UAR elect Nasser President (99.9% vote)
1960 Fay Crocker wins LPGA Lake Worth Golf Open
1961 Mercury-Atlas 2 reentry test reaches 172 km
1961 Friedrich D�rrenmatt's "Die Physiker" premieres in Z�rich
1961 Gabon adopts constitution
1962 Minister De Pous confirms natural gas reserves in Groningen Netherlands
1963 US performs nuclear test at Nevada Test Site
1964 UK flies 24,000 rolls of Beatle wallpaper to US
1966 Indonesia's President Sukarno fires General Nasution
1968 Baseball announces a minimum annual salary of $10,000
1968 150,000 demonstrate against leftist students in West-Berlin
1969 1st launching of heavy N-1 rocket at Baikonur Kazachstan (explodes)
1969 Ted Williams signs 5-year contract to manage Washington Senators
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Keli: There's a nice-looking lady at the window
table.
Greg: She's a hooker.
Keli: How can you be so sure?
Greg: C'mon! Look at her hair, all that make-up,
that short skirt, the plunging neckline, and those high
heels.
Keli: But you like it when I dress like that. Do you
think I look lke a hooker?
Greg: There's no way I can get out of this
conversation alive, is there?
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
Public liability issue cuts deep for us chess players
By John Martin
My friend Orville has tried to bring a halt to our weekly games of chess
because he says we cannot afford escalating premiums for public liability
insurance.
"Why do we need public liability insurance?" I asked him in amazement.
"In case somebody gets hurt," he said.
"One of us?" I asked, incredulously.
More? ....
<a href=" http://johnmartin.actweb.net/ctchess.html ">Click</a>
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ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"China has expressed reservations about the United States
using force in Iraq. The Chinese feel force should only be
used in the rarest of circumstances - like when a college kid
criticizes the government then you run him over in a tank."
-Jay Leno
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Medical Warning
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Its Nice To Feel Kneaded
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says,
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you
call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A Jewish gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought
his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive
cemetery.
On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.
She was quick to comment loud and long
on his thoughtlessness.
He replied, "Well, you haven't used the gift I
gave you last year."
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan!
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
The French have now banned fireworks displays at Euro
Disney. Reason: after last evenings fireworks display
the soldiers at a nearby French army garrison
surrendered.
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
Bookkeeping and record-keeping methods, created in response to the
development of trade and commerce, are preserved from ancient and medieval
sources. Where did double-entry bookkeeping begin?
A. England
B. China
C. Italy
D. Greece
<Answers in Next Issue!>
02/02
Last Issue's Answers:
What natural resource prompted the first permanent white settlement in
Missouri?
C. Lead
QQ: Lead deposits led the French to found Sainte Genevieve, the first
permanent white settlement in Missouri, about 1750.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
We'd Love To Be Sitting On Your Face
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dribble2.shtml
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<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/yourlucky.shtml
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Sam came home to Anni and said "Guess what?
I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m.
finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays
$600 a week!"
"That's great," Anni said.
"Yeah, I thought so too," Sam agreed. "You start
Monday."
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
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Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
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All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past!
February 21st 2002:
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m809.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m809.html
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
The couple ended their date at her house. She invited the man in, since
it was early. As he sat down on the sofa she said, "Would you like to
have a lil' drink ?" He grinned and replied, "I'd like to have a little
-- period." "How very convenient." she mused. "'Cause that's exactly
what I'm having."
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the
guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of
his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to
a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her
hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a
leash. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk.
The drunk rolls around, leans over, and "Splat!" He pukes
all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog
struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember
eating that!"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Pissed Off Gnome For Your Front Yard
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ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
A US car dealership has been criticised for an advert in
which Saddam Hussein is offered a new car every year for
his life.
Brad Benson's radio advertisement in New Jersey made the
offer on the grounds Saddam must first leave Iraq.
But Mr Benson has received complaints from people saying
he shouldn't have offered him a car, while others said Mr
Benson is guilty of making fun of a serious situation.
The Mitsubishi and Hyundai dealership owner then ran a
second advert apologising for the first.
But more than 700 people objected to that saying Mr Benson
had nothing to apologise for in the first place.
In the original advert Mr Benson said: "If he'll just give
up now and get out of Iraq, I'll give him a brand new
Mitsubishi, nicely equipped, every year for the rest of his
life.
"How about a four-wheel drive Mitsubishi Outlander, a perfect
choice for running away in the desert?"
Mr Benson is now working on a third advert which he hopes
will placate those who objected to the second.
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/ ">WNW</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
There once was a man who had made millions as sausage factory
owner, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his
factory.
Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son
would just sneer. They approached the heart of the
factory, where the father thought "This should impress him!"
He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this is the
heart of the factory. This machine here we can put in a
pig, and out come sausages."
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have
a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call
it your mother."
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] K H A K I D O G G [||||]
"MTV is adding extensive news coverage to help explain the US-Iraq
showdown to the network's young viewers." (USA/2/17)
The Pentagon has agreed to cooperate by staging one daily war zone
briefing with a military rap interpreter.
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
A tax collector went to a tannery.
"Why haven't you paid your taxes?" the collector asked the owner of
the tannery.
"Business has been very bad," answered the tanner.
"Do you mind if I check around the place?" asked the tax man.
"Go ahead," invited the owner. "You'll see I have nothing to hide."
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
I am a Police Sergeant in Coolidge, Arizona. Just a couple
of weeks ago, one of our officers stopped a juvenile in
violation of our curfew law. The juvenile was carrying a
boom box-type stereo. Hand-written on the top of the boom
box, mocking the familiar milk commercial, were the words
"Got weed?"
The Officer, reading the words out loud, said "got weed?"
The juvenile replied "yeah" and proceeded to pull a dime bag
from his pants pocket.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
What would it take for a man to respect a woman's mind?
Have it bounce gently as she walks down the street.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
[Today's column is not so much humour...but it is special
in its own way...Rick recently passed away after a long
battle with cancer. I dedicate this column to his memory.
-Paul]
Today's Topic: Outrage
by Linda Lightfoot and Richard C. Guinn
Rick:
For the past day and a half I have been watching the television and
internet coverage of the attacks on America. Usually I write when I feel
humorous. Today I write about outrage.
My dad was a World War II and Korean War hero. I have his medals. When he
died, he was buried with full military honors. He knew the enemy. He knew
what he was fighting for. Everyone he killed was someone who was trying to
kill him, or his troops.
Yesterday I woke up and turned on the television. It was early, and the
Earl Gray hadn't kicked in yet. It took me a few moments to watch the
horror before the enormity of what I was seeing sunk in. A week ago my
girlfriend and I talked about terrorism and how it could affect America.
Little did I know then that it would happen so soon.
I am mad.
Innocent people were killed. People who's only thought for the day was to
go to work, make money to live, and to go home to their families. They had
no agenda against an unknown enemy. Probably their only thought was to
finish their first cup of coffee and get their day going. Terrorists
destroyed that. They destroyed the normality of a day. My dad knew his
enemy. Thousands of New York and Washington people did not.
I stood there stunned in my office yesterday, unbelieving in my angst. I
had the awful task of going into the bedroom and waking Linda to show her
the TV and seeing the horror in her eyes.
This attack affects all of us. Out here on the west coast, I can look out
of my office window and see the absence of airplanes except for those of
the military. I see the local news coverage of the local military bases and
their height of readiness. I see the warships in Puget Sound intermixed
with the normal Ferry traffic. I see the airport closed. I have seen
continued coverage from all the major networks of the disaster. I held
Linda last night when she cried over the enormity of it all. And we prayed.
The people who perpetrated these crimes are as yet to be known. At least
publicly. However when it is known I believe I could guess what dad would
say. Find out who did it and blow them away. Although it appalls me, maybe
he would be right...
Linda:
How does one begin to express the enormity of the events of September 11,
2001? The cost of the destruction is estimated in the billions and
billions of dollars. But, though the loss in dollars is high, there are
other costs that a dollar value can never be remotely affixed to. The
untold cost in human life and misery, the cost in our loss of feeling of
safety as citizens of this great nation, the shock and fear that another
war may not be far off.
No one ever thought that the United States would be attacked directly on
our home ground. Throughout my life, wars happened, yes, but the theater
was always "somewhere else." I never understood what a "siege mentality"
was until this horrible event occurred. Taking the dog out for a walk on a
beautiful sunny afternoon is tarnished -- there are fighter planes
patrolling the noon skies. Watching sailboats skimming across Puget Sound
has become an observation of a maritime military exercise.
But you know what? I'm glad they're there.
The world abruptly became a scary place for civilians everywhere Tuesday
morning at 9:00, and I think it's going to get worse before it gets
better. The important thing to remember at this time, though, is that this
country has a great history of banding together and standing up to anything
that threatens us, here or abroad, in a united front that says to the
vermin of the world, "We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it
anymore!"
According to the news, the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania was the one
that was bound for the White House, or to take out Air Force One. The
reason it crashed "prematurely" was that several passengers stood up and,
in that "mad as hell" spirit, took on the hijackers. These people were
real heroes in this horror, along with the firefighters and police. As a
result of their preemptive actions on that doomed jet, President Bush's
life might well have been saved, if the information on the new broadcasts
is true. I hope that, as the initial shock subsides, that this heroism in
the face of extreme terror will be recognized and applauded.
One thing I'm very happy about is that nobody is insulting our intelligence
with the "time heals all wound" saw. Because, the fact is, there is NO
amount of time that's going to heal this wound, that's going to mitigate
this atrocity.
The world has changed...but we haven't. People everywhere have rallied to
help in any way, from assisting injured coworkers from the wreckage and
getting them to medical help, to helping in rescue efforts, to donating
hundreds of pints of blood or cash or time or prayer...doing whatever they
can, and still wanting to do more.
It's often been said that, during the bad times, you really find out who
your friends are.
The victims of the attack on America are finding that out right now.
The answer: everybody.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.geocities.com/buckguinn/RicksRamblings.html
Copyright 2001 by Linda Lightfoot and Richard C. Guinn
Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a>
Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
ӿ�----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------ӿ�
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