ӿ�<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->ӿ�
and
ӿ�<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿ�
presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!--------------------->
PUREHUMOUR is sent by request ONLY...if you wish to stop
receiving these mailings then please visit:
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American Idol? NOT...what happened to all those talented young people that
tried out for the show...they must have left their singing voices somewhere
other than Los Angeles! The group this week consisted of of eight people
who didn't have much in the way of talent ... and it makes it difficult for
the
other groups, especially last weeks group which was overflowing with talent!
I think the biggest problem with these Reality TV programs is that they just
don't know when to quit. We have Survivor going once again, Joe Millionaire
just finished, Fear Factor is constant repeats...but when they decide that the
American public can choose two people to get married before they even have
met each other...that is just one step too far! Are TV ratings that important
that people will do (almost) anything on TV these days. Oh well...for more on
this issue you HAVE to read the Weird News section in today's issue!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Wendy, Rubin, Di Ann, Nevanish,
Nana, SunAmy, Greg, Colorado Kid.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a>
ӿ�-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
Lets start with a quickie:
How can a bartender tell which men like Moose Head?
They're the ones with antler marks on their hips.
ӿ�------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿ�
Today's issue is brought to you by:
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
More Men's Names:
Damien - into 'plushies' (having sex with stuffed animals), favourite
partner is Ms. Bunny Wabbit.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - quiet but funny, but becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Dane - arrogant little c**t, thinks chicks want him, they don't.
Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice.
Danny - popular with everyone, pulls chicks like nobody's
business, i.e.he's well-hung and fucks anything that moves.
Darren - charming , but usually sleeps with men.
Darryl - smells bad, has no real mates
David - hottie and works out a lot, loves girls named Florence or Clementine
Dave - extremely sexy, always funny, intelligent trendsetter i.e.
a total wanker.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his tiny dick.
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great sense of humour, and blow-up doll collection which he
uses frequently.
Derrick - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid, or a
goldfish.
Dirk - the star of numerous porn flicks, hung like a donkey, and not as
smart as one.
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please, can suck his own dick
as a party trick.
Don - full-blown A1 dickhead.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and farts prodigiously.
Drew - bad-arse loser who never shuts up.
Dud(ley) - nobody with this name ever had sex with another human being,
(animals yes, people no).
Dylan - horny bastard, who can't sing for shit.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his wanker name.
Dwight - tiny pecker, arrogant and stupid. Bit of a cock-sucker.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get cos he's an arsehole.
Emrys - Loud mouth gobby little Shyte.
Elliott - Full of himself. constantly
Eric - shy.
Erik - funny and treats girls how he wants to be treated; i.e. like a baby
in diapers.
Errol - has visions of wearing tights and being a swashbuckling pirate, but
will only get a woman if he ties her up first.
Evan - slow but sweet, sometimes sexy, a model mental patient.
Everrett - has hairy back which really puts girls off, i.e. no repeat sex
with any woman, ever.
Felix - this is a cat's name, any guy with this name needs to buy a blow-up
doll - will never get laid, ever.
Francis - punching bag or champion boxer (had to be to survive beatings for
sissy name), girls like him.
Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy or Chlamydia.
More next issue.
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------ӿ�
If today is your birthday...you share it with:
1950 John Voldstad Oslo Norway, actor (Darryl-Newhart)
1950 Walter Becker New York NY, rock bassist (Steely Dan-Peg)
1951 Edward Albert Los Angeles CA, actor (Jeff-Falcon Crest, Butterflies
are Free)
1951 Bonnie Lauer LPGA golfer
1951 Gordon Brown British MP
1951 Kathy Baillie Morristown NJ, country vocalist (Baillie and the Boys-Oh
Heart)
1951 Phil Neal English soccer player
1951 Randy California [Wolfe], Los Angeles CA, guitarist (Spirit-I Got a
Line on You)
1952 Catherine Cummins Clintwood VA, 1st of 5 siblings born on 2/20
1953 Carol Cummins Clintwood VA, 2nd of 5 siblings born on 2/20
1953 Riccardo Chailly Milan Italy, conductor (West Berlin Symphony Orchestra)
1954 Patty Hearst Shaw San Francisco CA, famous kidnap hostage (Tanya)
1954 Anthony Stewart Head actor (Buffy Vampire Slayer)
1954 Jon Brant rock bassist (Cheap Trick)
1954 Vasili Vasilyevich Tsibliyev Russian colonel/cosmonaut (Soyuz TM-17,
TM-25)
1955 Kelsey Grammer St Thomas Virgin Islands, actor (Fraiser
Crane-Cheers/Fraiser)
1956 Charles Cummins Clintwood VA, 3rd of 5 siblings born on 2/20
1958 Carol Ficatier Auscene France, playmate (December, 1985)
1958 James Wilby Burma, actor (Howards End, Maurice)
1959 Bill Gullickson US baseball pitcher (Detroit Tigers)
1959 Joel Rifkind New York serial killer
1959 Scott Evans Brayton racing car driver
1960 Mark Reilly [Matt Bianco], rocker (Indio-Big Harvest)
1960 Kee Marcello rocker (Europe-Final Countdown)
1961 Claudia Cummins Clintwood VA, 4th of 5 siblings born on 2/20
1961 Imogen Stubbs Rothbury England, actress (Summer Story)
1961 Steve Lundquist US swimmer (Olympics-2 gold-1984)
1962 Adam Schreiber NFL center/guard (Atlanta Falcons, New York Giants)
1962 Joel Ellis rocker
1962 Ria Coyne Scranton PA, comedienne (Betsy-Batman Forever)
1963 Charles Barkley Leads AL, NBA forward (Houston Rockets, Phoenix Suns,
Philadelphia 76ers, Olympics-gold-96, All Star 1987-90)
1963 Ian Brown English rock vocalist (Stone Roses-Made of Stone)
1963 William Baldwin New York, actor (Backdraft, Sliver, Flatliners)
1964 Christian Ruuttu Lappeenranta Finland, hockey forward (Team Finland)
1964 French Stewart New Mexico, actor (Harry Solomon-Third Rock From the Sun)
1964 Jeffrey Allan Maggert Columbia MO, PGA golfer (1993 Walt Disney)
1964 Terry Ilous rock vocalist (XYZ, Cannibal Jacket)
1965 Federica Moro Carate Brianza Italy, Miss Italy (1982)
1966 Cecilia Cummins Clintwood VA, 5th of 5 siblings born on 2/20
1966 Cindy Crawford Dekalb IL, super model (Sports Illustrated Swimsuit)
1966 Britt Hager NFL linebacker (Denver Broncos, St Louis Rams)
1966 Dennis Allen Mitchell Cherry Point NC, 100 meter/200 meter
(Olympics-silver-96)
1966 Derek Lilliquist US baseball pitcher (Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves)
1967 Rebekka Lynn Armstrong Bakersfield CA, playmate (September 1986)
1967 Andrew Shue South Orange NJ, actor (Billy-Melrose Place)
1967 Broderick Thomas NFL linebacker (Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Minnesota
Vikings, Dallas Cowboys)
1967 Chris Singleton NFL linebacker (Miami Dolphins)
1967 Kurt Cobain rock vocalist (Nirvana)/husband of Courtney Love
1967 Kurt Knudsen US baseball pitcher (Detroit Tigers)
1967 Lili Taylor actress (Ransom, Short Cuts)
1967 Theresa Luke Vancouver British Columbia, rower (Olympics-96)
1967 Tom Waddle NFL player (Chicago Bears/Cincinnati Bengals)
1968 Lorraine Olivia Geneva IL, playmate (November 1990)
1968 Bennie Goods CFL defensive tackle (Edmonton Eskimos)
1969 [Touchdown] Tommy Vardell NFL running back (Cleveland Browns, Detroit
Lions)
.....and on this day in history:
1950 Dylan Thomas arrives in New York NY for his 1st US poetry reading tour
1950 WOL-AM in Washington DC swaps calls with WWDC
1952 1st black umpire in organized baseball certified (Emmett Ashford)
1952 "African Queen" opens at Capitol Theater in New York NY
1953 August A Busch buys the Cardinals for $3.75 million
1953 US Court of Appeals rules that Organized Baseball is a sport & not a
business, affirming the 25-year-old Supreme Court ruling
1954 Babe Didrikson-Zaharias wins LPGA Serbin Golf Open
1954 General Zahedi wins election in Persia
1955 Fay Crocker wins LPGA Serbin Golf Open
1956 WOSU TV channel 34 in Columbus OH (PBS) begins broadcasting
1957 Hughie Tayfield takes 9-113 vs England, 13 wickets for match
1958 Jockey Eddie Arcaro rides his 4,000th winner
1958 Los Angeles Coliseum Committee approves 2-year pact allows Dodgers to
use facility
1962 John Glenn is 1st American to orbit Earth (Friendship 7)
1963 Willie Mays (San Francisco Giants) signs a record $100,000 per year
contract
1963 End of the Test Cricket careers of Neil Harvey & Alan Davidson
1965 Beatles record "That Means a Lot"
1965 Ranger 8 makes hard landing on the Moon, returns photos, other data
1965 Turkish government of Uerg�pl� forms
1966 Author Valery Tarsis banished in USSR
1968 State troopers used tear gas to stop demonstration at Alcorn A & M
1968 John Cleese (Monty Python) marries Connie Booth
�2003 http://www.scopesys.com/today/
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon.
Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano
Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like
to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this
doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and
business was falling off.
"What do you do?" he asked.
"I used to be a pilot in Vietnam," was the answer. Now, really unsure, the
barkeep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business.
"The piano is over there...give it a go. " The old man staggered his way over
to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the
third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of
sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he
finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender brought the old
guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call
that?" he asked.
"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old
pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another," ...and he began
to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin bit of ragtime
that had the place jumping. People were coming in from the streets to hear
this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and
told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My TURBOCHARGE Dance."
He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how
bad he looked, or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the
men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed
that the pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out. He said "The
job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your
dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!!"
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ads at all! Guaranteed!
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ӿ�----------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿ�
HOW TO SHOPLIFT
1: Wear baggy clothing This is much easier to do in cooler climates. You
may look suspicious wearing loose sweatpants and an overcoat in Florida. Be
sure to choose a coat with inside pockets.
2: Pick the right store This really depends on the sort of merchandise you
are interested in acquiring. Try to stick to stores that sell things that
can be carried in a pocket. For instance, you will not get very far with a
stereo shoved under your shirt. Likewise, pick merchandise that has at
least some value. Nobody is going to be all that impressed if you steal a
head of garlic. Compact discs, small electronic equipment, watches and
jewelry are all very popular items.
3: Check the security Be sure to familiarize yourself with the security and
surveillance equipment. Is there a sensor at the door? These are usually
easy to find. Cameras? Most security cameras are hidden behind one-way
glass or inside of darkened glass bulbs on the ceiling. Armed guard? If
there is an armed guard, you're trying to take something that's too
expensive. Go somewhere else.
More?....
<a href=" http://www.genepoool.com/shoplift.html ">Click</a>
http://www.genepoool.com/shoplift.html
ӿ�-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿ�
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people
who annoy me."
-Noel Coward
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Errrr. . . I Think The Blonde Has A Problem
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blondesprob.shtml
<a href="
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/blondesprob.shtml
">Errrr. . . I Think The Blonde Has A Problem</a>
Possible New Uniform For UPS
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/uniform.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/uniform.shtml
">Possible New Uniform For UPS</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to
a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare
some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into
the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do
I use on the washing machine?
I replied, "It depends. What does it say on your
shirt?"
He yelled back, "Detroit Red Wings."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Sam and Greg lived in a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when Greg turned to the Sam and said, "Sam, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a newborn baby."
Greg Said, "Really! Like a baby!"
To which Sam replied, "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet
myself."
ӿ�--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------ӿ�
If Joe Leiberman wins, he will not be the first Jewish-American
to hold the presidency in his hands; that, of course, was Monica
Lewinsky
ӿ�-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------ӿ�
What natural resource prompted the first permanent white settlement in
Missouri?
A. Fur
B. Silver
C. Lead
D. Gold
<Answers in Next Issue!>
02/02
Last Issue's Answers:
What was the nationality of the man credited with creating the first
automobile?
B. French
QQ: In 1769 French Army officer Captain Nicolas Joseph Cugnot built what
has been called the first automobile. Cugnot's three-wheeled, steam-powered
vehicle carried four persons. Designed to move artillery pieces, it had a
top speed of a little more than 2 mph and had to stop every 20 minutes to
build up a fresh head of steam.
� Copyright 2003 Dawggone Communications
Website: http://quizqueen.net
Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Change Banks???
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dribble6.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dribble6.shtml
">Change Banks???</a>
How Do You Make A Hormone?
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/howdou.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/howdou.shtml
">How Do You Make A Hormone</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
"Mom, I'm pregnant." said Wendy.
"How can that be?" Mom replied, "What did I tell you
about sex?" "That I should take measures."
Wendy replied, "And that's what I did! I took measures
and then went with the biggest."
ӿ�-------------------DAILY TOON FEATURES-------------------ӿ�
If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out
"Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family
laugh."
<a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a>
http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm
Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day!
<a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a>
http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php
All this and more on my website:
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/daily.html
ӿ�---------------DUSTING OFF THE ARCHIVES---------------ӿ�
In an attempt to boost the number of visits to the Purehumour
archives...in each issue I will highlight today's date in the archives
from the past four years...take a look at todays issue in history
to see how Purehumour has evolved and what was funny in the
past.
February 20th 2002:
<a href=" http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m808.html ">Click</a>
http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj/m808.html
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small!
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ӿ�--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿ�
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The
counselor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds "My husband
suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband
and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly,
she's the one that suffers, not me."
ӿ�------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------ӿ�
Even A Pawn Can Take The Queen If. . .
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pawn.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/pawn.shtml
">Even A Pawn Can Take The Queen If . . .</a>
Golds Gym
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dribble4.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/dribble4.shtml
">Golds Gym</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Letterman's Top Ten Surprises On The Premiere Of "American Idol
10. Contestants were only allowed to sing jingles from muffler commercials
9. Oates of "Hall and Oates" tried to audition in disguise
8. Janet Reno has a lovely singing voice
7. Guest appearance by reigning American Idol: what's-her-name
6. Celebrity judge Paula Abdul replaced by King Abdullah of Jordan
5. This time, winner gets a contract for a low-interest home mortgage
4. Diana Ross staggers in looking for her car keys
3. That Justin kid is back, and his hair is now four feet tall
2. A lot of singing parrots
1. The first American Idol was better, when the guy had sex with a pie
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
Stan was working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through
the buzz saw, and accidentally sliced off all ten of his
fingers.
He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor who examines him
is really disturbed at such a tragedy. "Hmmm, you have
certainly done a neat job here, Stan but it is only a minor
setback. Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do for
you."
"I haven't got the fingers," Stan said, gasping through his
pain.
The doctor said, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers?
Good God, man! It's 2003. We have microsurgery and allied to that,
all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have arranged to
reattach the fingers. You'd be as good as new! Why on earth didn't
you bring the fingers?"
"Christ Doc," Stan groaned, "how the fuck was I s'posed pick
'em up!"
ӿ�--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------ӿ�
Read My Tee Shirt
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/futshirt.shtml
<a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/futshirt.shtml
">Read My Tee Shirt</a>
Caution !! Senior Citizen Driving Area
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/seniorarea.shtml
<a href="
http://www.jillsjokeline.com/seniorarea.shtml
">Caution !! Senior Citizen Driving Area</a>
ӿ�-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿ�
A woman tricked into believing she was being chased by an
alien is suing reality TV producers, claiming the experience
left her traumatised.
According to a lawsuit filed in the Los Angeles County
Superior Court, Kara Blanc was admitted to hospital with
physical injuries and severe emotional distress caused
by the prank.
The teacher was told she had won an invitation to an exclusive
Hollywood party at a southern California resort, the suit said.
But the car taking her to the event stalled along a remote
stretch of desert and she was forced to watch her two
companions, who were in on the prank, being 'killed' by a
costumed alien attacker.
The suit said the pair shouted at a terrified Ms Blanc to flee
into a dark, desert canyon area in an attempt to save her life.
Hidden cameras were recording the prank for Scare Tactics, a
new TV show hosted by former Beverly Hills 90210 star Shannen
Doherty. It was filmed last March and is due to air on the US
Sci-Fi Channel in April.
Other episodes include campers who believe they are being
attacked by Big Foot, and limousine riders who are chased by
bogus government agents when they drive into Area 51, the US
military facility believed to be hiding alien secrets.
Ms Blanc, of Los Angeles, claims the stunt led to her being
admitted to hospital several times, causing her to miss work
and incur medical costs for unspecified physical injuries and
psychological trauma.
Her lawsuit charges the show's makers with negligence, invasion
of privacy, assault, false imprisonment and fraudulent
misrepresentation.
It also seeks to bar the producers from airing the tape and to
stop them from engaging in "the unfair, unlawful and fraudulent
business practice of surreptitiously recording the traumatised
reactions of any other persons in the future".
Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains
a previously published News Report. If you find an article
that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of
the publication and date to:
<a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a>
IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of
Weird News Weekly:
<a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a>
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
[A Classic!]
A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at
the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy."
The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her
a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to
hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a
barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a
Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits
are hanging in the ashtray."
ӿ�-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------ӿ�
[||||] B A C K I N T H E S A D D L E [||||]
"All Muslims who can physically and financially afford it are required
to travel to Mount Arafat for the hajj at least once in their lifetime."
(USA/2/11)
The traveling wouldn't seem to be a problem, but mounting Arafat? Does
he really go along with this?
Copyright � 2003 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved.
http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup
ӿ�--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿ�
The Prime Minister of Canada is having a shower, and while he
was in the shower he got a little bit horny and figured that
a nice little jerk off would do him wonders. He was really
feeling great and enjoyed it. But just as he shot his load, he
saw a photographer taking a picture of him with his hand wrapped
around his erection and semen flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute," says the Prime Minister. "You can't do that.
You'll destroy my reputation!"
"This picture is my lottery win," says the photographer. "I'll
be financially secure for life."
So the Prime Minister offers to buy the camera off the photographer,
and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of
two million dollars. The Prime Minister then dries himself off, and
heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper, who spots
the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost
you?"
"Two million dollars," replies the Prime Minister.
"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "They must have seen you
coming."
ӿ�--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿ�
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ӿ�---------DUMB CROOK OF THE DAY AWARD---------ӿ�
Two men who couldn't spell were foiled by a clerk who
could.
Police say two men tried to pass a counterfeit payroll
check bearing the name, "Boryhill Furmiture" on Monday
afternoon at Lowes Foods off U.S. 321 in Hickory, North
Carolina.
Police are still searching for the two men, but have
arrested Kathy Elaine Gillman, 39, and her daughter Amanda
Kaye Gillman, 18, both of Ohio, in connection with the
scheme.
The incident unfolded around 1:15 p.m. when two men tried
to cash a $498 check at the grocery store. When the store's
office assistant noticed that Broyhill Furniture was
misspelled, she rejected the check.
The men quickly left the store. Employees called police and
told them they saw the men running toward the highway and
that two women were following them in a red Pontiac Grand Am.
Minutes later, Hickory police officers K. Lo and D.J. Morris
found the two women. The two male suspects were gone, but
inside the car police found 42 checks in amounts ranging
from $200 to $400.
The checks were made out to Nathan Williamson and Kevin
Gillman. Police believe Gillman is Amanda's father and Kathy
Gillman's ex-husband.
The checks were from businesses in Georgia, South Carolina and
West Virginia, including Millcreek Construction, Beaufort
Glass and 84 Lumber.
Hickory Police Capt. Steve Wright said the women told police
they were traveling from Ohio to Beaufort, S.C., to visit a
relative, but would not comment on the whereabouts or
identities of the two male suspects.
Wright said the overall quality of the checks was impressive.
"There's a good possibility that if the name on the check had
been spelled correctly, they would have gotten away with it,"
Wright said.
A search of the car turned up a software program used to print
checks, pages torn from a phone book and a handgun.
The women were arrested on counts of aiding and abetting the
obtaining of property by false pretense and possession of
counterfeit checks.
Both were placed under $25,000 secured bonds. The mother had
an additional $10,000 secured bond.
ӿ�---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿ�
What did the blonde do when she heard that there was
a Wet T-Shirt contest?
She brought all her dirty laundry.
ӿ�--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------ӿ�
MINE!
by Lynette
My daughter was getting ready to say her first word. We
thought it was a sure sign of her genius when she looked
at our cat and called him by his name, "Ozzy." Turns out
she was just laying claim to him.
While Bill Cosby may say that you're not a "real" parent if
you only have one child since you always know who did it,
I say you're not a real parent until you've dealt with
sibling rivalry. Once you have more than one child, you become
a math whiz. I can tell, just by looking, if the cookies have
an equal number of chocolate chips, the cupcakes have equal
sprinkles or the grapes have been evenly divided. I always buy
two of everything.
They can't even eat popcorn out of the same bowl. "That one was
mine." "Tough. I ate it first." "Well, all of the rest with
butter on them are mine." "You can't call dibs on all of the
buttered ones." "I just did." "MOM!"
Last night, my son brought home a squishy ball that he had won for
reading. Of course, it immediately broke. I have had my own squishy
ball for years, years, mind you, and once his broke, I gave my ball to
my son. My daughter immediately demanded one of her own. "I only have
one." "That's not fair." I've had it for years and you never cared
about it." "Well, now I want one."
Now all of this infighting is not restricted to human siblings. Oh,
no. I also share my home with three dogs that make the fighting
from the children look like Amateur Hour. I'll bring in the dogs and
give each of them their own dog chewie. That is NEVER good enough.
They will all leave their own chewie to try and steal the other
dog's bone. I've even seen one lay in wait, while the other two fight
it out, and steal both of the chewies while they're distracted.
I used to feed the dogs their food in bowls. However, I noticed the big
one would lay down with one paw on each side of the bowl and eat it all.
The other dogs never had a chance. So, then I thought I would outsmart
them by spreading the food across the garage floor. Then, I caught the
big one lying in part of the food while she ate the other part. I tried
feeding them indoors but then the cats steal their food.
As my children age, it's not enough to fight over their own stuff;
now they're taking mine: my clothes, my music, my toiletries and
even, my toilet. "What are you doing in here?" "I have to go."
"Use your own bathroom." "I don't want to smell up mine."
Or, what's even worse, and drives me up the living wall, is that
they'll come use MY bathroom when their bathroom is out of toilet
paper. "Put on a new roll." "I don't know how."
This from children who have been tested time and time again and
shown to be above-average intelligence, in fact, have been
labeled "gifted" since the schools started testing. I say they're
gifted just because they never pay for anything with their own
money.
I understand the desire to have something that is just yours,
something you never have to share, something that only belongs to
you. For my birthday, I've asked for my own apartment.
--
Lynette is the writer and creator of the website: www.lynetteisfunny.com.
She lives in Bend, Oregon with her husband and two children. Her family is
the main comedy source for her column although she is not above making up
something just to be funny. Email Lynette at [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Your article length submissions are welcome...send your
humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to:
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Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and
may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed
written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour.
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