[QUAD-L] Fwd: An open letter to the Red States from the Blue States

[Rosie Bennett]

An open letter to the Red States from the Blue States:

We need to talk. About us.

God, this is so hard to

�say, but ... we

�want a divorce.

I know, it's hard to turn our backs on such a long �marriage.

We had a �good run! Remember way back when, when we cooked up

a crazy little �thing called a "republic"? Nobody said we'd last.

And remember when �we saved the world from Fascism? Went to the moon?

Good times!

But let's face it: for the past forty years or so,

�we've really just �been going through the motions. The love that got

us through so much �is gone. Sure, sometimes when times get tough we

�stick together, but �as soon as the pressure's off, we just start

fighting again. For decades, we've been papering over our differences

�with compromises that ��leave both of us feeling cheated. Like, we ban

*some* abortions but �not all of them. Or, we put *three* countries in

the Axis of Evil, but we only invade one. Or we lower income taxes on the

�rich, but keep the capital gains taxes in place. Is that honestly

�making you happy?

�Because we're pretty miserable about it.

Now, one of the trickiest things in any divorce is

the division of �property, but we think that we can be mature about �it.

�

We don't need to divvy everything up along state lines, but it

seems pretty obvious �what we can swap: we get Cleveland and St. Louis and

�Las Vegas; you get Western Maryland, Eastern Washington, Southern

Illinois, and New Hampshire. There's details to be worked out of

course, but I think the lawyers can come up with a good compromise.

What's that? You don't want New Hampshire either?

I guess they'll �just have to "live free or die" then! Oh, it's good

�that we can still laugh.>

Now, the hardest part is the kids. The good part is

that most of them have already grown up and become independent

countries. We think that we ought to keep Puerto Rico though. You know they

don't speak English down there, right? I know you've never been

�comfortable with that. On that note, maybe we'd better hold on to the counties

along the border in Texas and Arizona. That way, you have a buffer

between you and �those Mexicans you have such problems with! Isn't

that nice?

I know this is making it sound like we're going to

get everything, but that's really not true. For instance, you can keep

the nuclear �weapons. We have a feeling that you're going need

them a lot more than we are! And you can keep the flag, too, since you

seem to like it so much. We can design a new one of our own. No,

really, it's no trouble. We're going to be keeping most of the

entertainment industry, of course, but of course you can still watch our TV

shows and movies.

After all, you can't watch stuff staring Mel Gibson, Ron Silver, and

Bruce Willis all the time!

�Divorce is always socially awkward, too. I'm not going to tell you

that you can't hang out with our friends, but honestly, lately you

don't seem to like them much, especially the Europeans. We know you

still have your best buds, the Saudis and the Russians, to hang around

with, though. You guys have so much in common!

�Like a lot of marriages, this one was really hurt by

arguments over �money. Now, I know you don't believe us when we say

we've been providing 80 percent of the tax revenues for years;

I guess we'll find out! Still, you're always talking so much about

self-reliance that we're sure you're not going sue for alimony. It'll

�be interesting to �see how you pay for your agricultural subsidies and

enormous military.

But let's not fight! This is how we really want you

to think about it:

you're not losing things, you're gaining freedom.

Freedom to do all the things you've wanted to do for years that we

wouldn't let you.

Just think: without us, you'll be able to bomb

�whoever you want, and not even have to deal with protesters! You can ban

abortions, birth control for teenagers, birth control for unmarried

�adults, birth �control for married adults, and divorce! You can

put the Ten Commandments up in front of any and all public

buildings! Drill for �oil in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge and cut

�down all the trees �in Yellowstone Park! Make school prayer legal!

�Make school prayer �mandatory! Make church attendence mandatory! Run

�up as big a deficit �as you can! Put pictures of Reagan, Dubya, and

�Jesus on the money!

�It'll be your country! Do what you want!

All we ask is that you don't pull any Berlin Wall stuff: you need to

let people leave to come over to our side if they want. And really, we

�don't think you'd want to keep anyone who wants to

go: after all, you �were the ones who came up with the phrase "love it

�or leave it." We hope you don't get too lonely over there, but hey,

�it's your choice.

So, to sum up: please don't be angry. Though we're

saying this first, you've let us know, in so many words, that you don't

�have much use for us anymore, either. We don't hate you; we just

don't want to live in �the same country as you any more. Hopefully we can

�still be friends, or at least civil neighbors and trading partners.

�But really: it's not �you, it's us.

OK, maybe it's a little bit you.

�

Rosie

www.cafepress.com/anandarose
www.homepage.mac.com/rosiebennett