Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States.
We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is
more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8
in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming
Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no
God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the
secretary.
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States!
Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright
baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist
yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no
abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head
hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who
think that God talks to them. You have a right to your
moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the
IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic _expression_!
People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at
you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is
the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten
Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every
American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in
order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has
instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that
Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister
Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean
no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus.
Referred back to the committee of the whole for further
discussion.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been
born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think
that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep
with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record
that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a
good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness
stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good
person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.
Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like
grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference
between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian
Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will
take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators
and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues
of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring
fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues
who have carefully thought through the issues.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and
require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand
Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime
of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally
introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all
lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like
trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs
as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will
be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.
We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not
enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a
lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't
make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't
mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone
in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play
basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you,
except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.
Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure
the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he
says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around
the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress
members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was
deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling
Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and
Banners committee.
People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can
strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and
harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run
the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in
the Gandhi Room after the revolution. Startling new
underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare
themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared
rationality. People can still go to France, terrorist leader
says.
