> > -- > > MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET OLYMPIA FACILITY > > > > REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as > > Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a > > secret facility in Washington state. The device, exploded at > > 10:55 am PDT (1:55 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with > > talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over > > possible antitrust action. > > > > "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by > > any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not > > that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few > > tears > > shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath > > of nuclear fire." > > > > Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly > > dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of > > > > Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it > > > > was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, there goes the mountain > > bike vacation." > > > > In Washington, President Bush announced the US Government would > > boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the > > President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since > > lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the > > administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" > > with Microsoft. > > > > Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test > > justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear > > Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire > > "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, > > "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold > > copies of Microsoft Bob." > > > > Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with > > rival > > operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of > > a > > radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium III > > microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS > > written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get > > what > > they deserve." > > > > The existence of an RTG in each Pentium III microprocessor would > > explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run > > so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in > > electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should > > finally dispel those stories about cold fusion." > > > > Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in > > California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're > > doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to > > > > the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be > > holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at > > the moment." > > > > Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs > > was > > rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about > > deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was > > the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one > > hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that > > product > > a second time." _______ To unsubscribe, send "unsubscribe rangernet" to [EMAIL PROTECTED] or visit http://rangernet.org/subscribe.htm http://rangernet.org Autoresponder: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
