This reporter recently learned that a member of the British Royal family,
Princess Susie, is planning a surprise visit to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania in
the U.S. to meet with pensioners and school children to discuss a wide
range of issues. The meetings will reportedly be held on September 28-29,
2013 at a undisclosed location for security reasons. Meetings will be held
at approx 10am and 2pm on both days.
After contacting members of the radical Pennsylvania Urban Fighting Force
(PUFF) for a comment, this reporter learned that PUFF had not previously
heard about the secret meeting, but they were now planning a mission to
disrupt the activities. Evil Dr. Sommer, head of the notorious band of
zealots, stated that "We're re-arranging our weekend schedule now to fit in
a raid of the secret compound between our other social activities." Dr.
Sommer, while enjoying tea and cakes, went on to thank this reporter for
providing the valuable intelligence needed to plan the ambush. Doug
"Rocket Man" Conn, a long-time PUFF activist said that they plan on
wreaking havoc at the event. "We're bringing 293 gigawatts of computing
power to the ambush".
Word of the ambush spread quickly as this reporter began contacting other
organizations. The Maryland Attack Group (MAG), founded by Marty "The
Legend" Hayes, has a long-standing treaty with most governments around the
world to provide land and sea support for any conflict, any where. When
informed about the impending ambush of the secret meeting, Hayes stated
that "That's been on our schedule for months", although he seemed to be
confusing it with other social activities. The 75 year-old continued to
say that, "We're planning a nice cookout and a sleep-over so that everyone
can truly enjoy the ambush." Other long-time MAG members, such as Will
Montgomery and Steve Anders, didn't take news of the ambush so lightly,
"we'll kick their @$$" was all they would say.
News of the ambush was treated more seriously when this reporter brought it
to Tri-Pact, a private security force specializing in for-profit
conflicts. "Our existing contracts with the British Government, the
British Royal family, and Shell Oil Company will allow us to suppress the
conflict using whatever means necessary", stated John Pittelli, Senior Vice
President for British Affairs. Off the record, Pittelli told this reporter
that the conflict will probably see the long-awaited debut of the Semovente
armored vehicle that has been in secret development for almost a year.
Combined with the Panzer II "Duo of Death", the Tri-Pact force will be fast
and lethal. He went on to state that "We should have the problem mopped up
by lunch-time, with plenty of time to surf in the afternoon (the "Flight of
the Valkyries" could be heard playing in the background). When asked why
the Shell Oil Company conflict could be invoiced for the conflict, he just
said "Fracking".
Similar interest in the ambush was displayed by the helpful sales staff at
Field of Armor, a company focused on marketing R/C tank products. "We'll
definitely make every effort to attend the ambush", stated Loic, owner and
lead salesman, "providing military hardware to either side for a small
fee." The price of FOA shares recently jumped up after they released news
of their new line of armored vehicles featuring a suite of Tyng Tech (tm)
products. When asked if the new technology would be used at the secret
ambush of the secret compound, Steve Tyng, Founder, CEO, and Senior Product
Architect stated "That decision will be made by the guys at FOA". He went
on to say that "I'll be using the older technology in the Cromwell,
operating as a free-lance agent for anyone willing to pay the price."
Just before press time, this reporter learned that the British Government
is taking rumors of the ambush very seriously and have brought one of their
double-O agents (0051) out of retirement to oversee security for Princess
Susie. When asked for information about the agent, the spokesperson said
"his name is Rochford ... Neil Rochford". A quick Google search revealed
that Mr. Rockford (aka. Mr. Funky) is considered extremely dangerous by his
fellow British combatants and is reportedly "licensed to paint with extreme
prejudice". Experts, however, are divided on whether Rochford's skills
will work well in the war-torn wilds of Pennsylvania against some of the
most talented operators in the world. None other than Vladimir Putin,
President of Russia, stated recently that "Britain can be ignored" when it
comes to international conflicts. As such, Mr. Rochford's performance at
the upcoming secret ambush will be watched anxiously by all British
supporters, at home and around the world. It could be said that the
reputation of Britain rests on Rochford's shoulders.
Vern DernBerger
Senior Investigative Reporter
Tri-Pact News Service
"We Make The News"
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