Q: What did all the other reindeer say to Rudolph when he landed on top of Santa's head?
A: "You look like a deer caught in the head lice." My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper. One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel." Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, I know. That's why I married a college graduate." Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Have you heard about the good weather witch? She's forecasting sunny spells! What was the Californian vampire hippy like? He was ghoul man, real ghoul! Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween? It was for "tick or tweet"! "After stories about them being robbed and partying at their hotel made national headlines, U.S. officials reportedly want the Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, to leave Argentina. Meanwhile, other officials say the best way to solve the problem is by sending more Bush twins to Argentina." --Seth Myers "Barack Obama on the show tonight. He's reminds me a lot of Bill Clinton in the sense that he also doesn't tell Hillary what his plans are." --Jay Leno "This is the time of the year everybody's getting ready for the holidays. Earlier today, Dick Cheney brought home a Christmas tree that he shot." --David Letterman "Problems for Mitt Romney. The main part of his campaign has been attacking illegal immigration. Well, it turns out his lawn is being taken care of and landscaped by illegal immigrants. Not only is he in trouble politically, but Wal-Mart is now accusing him of taking their employees." --Jay Leno "Yesterday, Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack announced he is running for president in 2008. Vilsack will face questions on national security, tax cuts, and who the he(ck) he is." --Conan O'Brien "First Lady Laura Bush was on TV unveiling the White House menu for Christmas Dinner. ... For dessert, I guess they're going to feast on whatever or whoever Dick Cheney shoots that day." --Jimmy Kimmel "The federal government has a new citizenship test. They said the old test for immigrants is too outdated. Apparently, it was in English." --Jay Leno The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?" "Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us." Years ago famed Chicago Bears coach George Halas was screaming at a referee from outside the designated coaching area when the ref slapped George with a 5 yard penalty. Halas threw down his hat and yelled at the referee, "You imbecile, it's a fifteen yard penalty, not a five yarder for coaching outside the box!" To which the referee supposedly replied, "I know, but the way you coach George, it'll only be five". Q: How is cat food sold? A: Usually purr can! Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head? A: A tiger moth! A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were each given the following problem to solve. A school dance floor included a straight line down the middle dividing the floor in two equal halves. Boys were lined up against one wall and girls against the opposite wall, each facing the centre line. They were instructed to advance in stages towards the centre line every ten seconds, where the distance from the person to the centre line at each stage is equal to one-half the distance at the past stage. i.e.: If the starting distance from the wall to centre line was D, the progressive series of distances at t = 0, 10 seconds, 20 seconds...10n seconds to the centre line is (D, D/2, D/4, D/8, .....D/2n) The question is, when will they meet at the middle? The mathematician said that they would never meet. The physicist said they would meet when time equals infinity. The engineer said that in one minute they would be close enough for all practical purposes. * All great discoveries are made by mistake. * Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. * Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. * All's well that ends. * A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. * A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. * Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. * After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done. Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals." Q: Where do bees go on holiday? A: Stingapore! Q: What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him? A: He's bee-witched! Delma --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ Access the Recipes And More list archives at: http://www.mail-archive.com/recipesandmore%40googlegroups.com/ Visit the group home page at: http://groups.google.com/group/RecipesAndMore -~----------~----~----~----~------~----~------~--~---
