Wow, that really is refreshingly satiric, cde! On Aug 8, 7:32 am, Lucky Lukhele <[email protected]> wrote: > *An open letter to Prince Mahlaba of Swaziland * > > *The Whipping Boy * > > Aug 8, 2010 12:00 AM | By Ben Trovato > ------------------------------ > > *Dear Prince,I read in one of our counter-revolutionary rags that you have > threatened journalists with death if they continue to write negative things > about Swaziland. Well done, sir. * > > You will be pleased to hear that our most excellent government here in South > Africa is following your leadin supporting press freedom > > On behalf of our glorious ruling party, the ANC, I applaud you for taking > such a courageous stand against these unpatriotic vermin. > > As King Mswati's brother and a leading member of a highly influential royal > advisory council, you would be failing in your duty if you remained silent > and allowed these mendacious dogs to write anything that slopes into their > poisoned minds. > > As you so aptly put it: "It is a fact that journalists earn their living by > writing lies. I want to warn the media to bury things that ... are harmful > to the country's international image. Journalists who continue to write bad > things about the country will die." > > Personally, I think death is too good for them. Kill them, by all means, but > why not torture them first? It worked for the Spanish during the > Inquisition, and there is no reason why it shouldn't work for you in > Swaziland, even if you aren't Catholic. At the very least, these > pub-crawling prevaricators will be encouraged to name their fellow > conspirators. Subeditors and layout artists are part of the axis of evil, > and they should not be allowed to escape the purges. > > Yours is one of the most peaceful and democratic countries in the world, and > anyone who says differently should be lashed to the rack and stretched until > his spine snaps. > > What's more, any "journalist" who writes that Swaziland is a landlocked > country should have his hands chopped off. If the world gets to hear that > you don't have a port, you can kiss foreign investment goodbye. Your > harbour, sir, is one of the best in Africa. You can count on me to spread > the word. > > I have seen it written that Swaziland has the world's highest prevalence of > HIV/Aids. The purveyors of this rancid propaganda must be whipped with > jellyfish tails and have spikes driven through their venomous forked > tongues. There are no sick, bed-ridden people in Swaziland. There are only > people who enjoy resting for long periods of time. > > Anyone who writes that Swaziland is a small country with an unemployment > rate of 40% deserves to have their toes sliced open and their hair set > alight. Swaziland is huge. Bigger than Russia. And everyone has at least > five jobs, three houses and a dozen or so cars. Not ordinary cars either. > Like the king, most households have a Maybach in the garage. > > Most importantly, Swaziland does not rely almost exclusively on South Africa > for its economic survival. In fact, it is the other way around. You need to > make your journalists understand that, without Swaziland, South Africa would > be nothing more than a tin-pot dictatorship ruled by a despotic monarch with > 84 teenage wives and several million children. Help them to understand this > by ramming porcupine quills into their eyes. > > Any reporter who quotes the fabricated Forbes 2009 list of the world's > richest royals as saying that King Mswati is worth $100-million should be > reprimanded. I suggest you do this by summonsing the misguided hack and > inserting the expandable Pear of Anguish into the orifice of your choosing. > This was a popular form of chastisement during medieval times - a golden age > when journalists could be relied upon to report accurately on their > emperor's new clothes. > > You will be pleased to hear that our most excellent government here in South > Africa is following your lead in supporting press freedom. Our chief of > police, Comrade General Bheki Cele Sir, set his special unit, the Orcs, on a > Sunday Times journalist this week, and many others are starting to see the > error of their ways. > > However, in the unlikely event that the pen turns out to be more powerful > than the sword after all, I suggest you break out the guns. Swords are for > tiny, impoverished nations so riddled with corruption and disease that they > will probably disappear in a few years. Anyone who suggests Swaziland is > such a nation should expect to have molten lead poured into their ears and > their knees crushed in a vice. > > Yours in the quest for truth, > > Ben 'Thumbscrew' Trovato > > http://www.timeslive.co.za/sundaytimes/article591118.ece/An-open-lett...
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