Though I could not see my Bhagavan with me always, I imagined that my
Bhagavan is with me whether I eat my food, whether I sleep, whether I talk,
whether I am in the classroom. I imagined that Bhagavan is with me and I would
talk to Him. Anything I found uninteresting I would tell him, "Swami, this is
not interesting for me." Anything I found interesting, I would also tell Him.
In fact, it became so much so that when walking on the road I would say,
"Bhagavan, You walk on this side because vehicles are coming on that side." At
the same time I would say, "Swami, now so many people are coming; please don't
go and start talking with them. Be only with me." (I meant only in my
imagination.) This was because in the beginning I used to pray, "Bhagavan,
please don't leave my hand, always hold on to me."
One night He came in my dream. He called me and said, "You are praying in
the wrong manner. Remember, I will never leave your hand. You don't leave My
hand, okay?"
And so, this is how it went on. I imagined that my Bhagavan is always
walking with me. Because this is what the Truth is: though we cannot see Him,
though we cannot hear Him, He is always there. And so this went on everyday and
I was happy.
But then one day a small problem came up. I told Bhagavan, "Bhagavan, see
this is the problem; it is not getting solved." And I wrote it down in a letter
to Him and I came to the Mandir. And I was so sure that when Bhagavan came, He
would take the letter from me. So I was sitting there, and as Bhagavan passed
by I held out the letter. He
merely passed by without even looking at me. At that moment I felt
crushed. I felt that all that I was doing was nothing but hallucination!
Is it really true that Bhagavan is with me or am I merely imagining Him?
Are these all my hallucinations? I was shaken. I said, "Then whom do I tell
this?" It was something which I didn't want to tell anybody and I said, "I
cannot even tell it to Bhagavan. Is it that I am alone in this world? Do I
really have nobody?" And the next week was torture because I felt so lonely. I
felt helpless.
And then that night I had another dream. In that dream it looked like the
whole world was out to strangle me. And when I was running, Bhagavan came out
and said, "Come with me." Even in the dream I was still very angry with
Bhagavan so I just walked with Him. Then Bhagavan said, "Shall we go to the
park?" I told Him, "Why are you asking me? You do what you want!"
Then Bhagavan said, "No, no, no before you do anything you tell me. How
can I do anything without telling you? So shall we go to the park?" I was
surprised.
As we were walking towards the park, Bhagavan said, "Arvind, I am scared
to walk on this side of the road. Can I walk on that side?" When we reached the
park, Bhagavan said, "You sit here and block me, because you see those people
there? If they see me they will come and talk to me. Then whom will you talk
with?" And at this moment I was shocked.
In the dream I said, "Bhagavan, how do you know all this?" At that time
Bhagavan put on His angry face. He said, "Until four days ago you used to tell
me everything. You used to share and we used to be so happy. For four days now
you have been so silent, I don't know why." And the dream ended there.
Bhagavan is always with us but we may not be able to feel Him. If the
radio set is out of order, can you blame the transmitting tower? No. The radio
waves are always in the air. The tuning system is broken, so we were not able
to tune in and we blame the tower! This is what happens.
- taken from a Speech given in the Divine Presence by Shri B Arvind, a
Student of Swami's Institute on 29th of July 2005 ...
Sai Ram
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