Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
On Fri, 2014-05-23 at 21:58 -0400, Bruce Metcalf wrote: I did not stay retired. Within a year I had two part-time jobs, and a decade later took on a full-time post in addition. All three were for love of the work, so I'm not sure if this means I unretired or not. If you like what you are doing you probably would not retire. But whether you personally unretired or not may be a completely unrelated question. There may be situations in which one is allowed to retire if one has put in 20 or 25 continuous years of service and that retirement entitles the retiree to certain benefits. For some people it may make sense to retire at that time and do something completely different. I had a cousin (now no more) who was a fighter pilot who lived for flying - but a spine issue ensured that he was grounded. He took it badly and retired from the Indian Air Force after he had put in the stipulated years of service and then had a second career after that. shiv
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
On Fri, May 23, 2014 at 11:14 AM, Udhay Shankar N ud...@pobox.com wrote: My definition of 'retire' may be slightly divergent from the above - it means I will continue doing [stuff similar to] what I currently do, but without needing to bother if I get paid or not. Lucky you. My definition would be, I will continue to do those things I actually like doing currently without bothering whether I get paid or not. I'm no longer sure that will ever happen. -- b
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
I am 46. I stopped working - yes, am being maintained by my husband who loves his job. In return, i get to learn to play ukulele and write - and one day be of modest use to somebody in those two areas. What I had done before just doesn't work anymore. but it is really tough to say no to money (which i could use) and focus on the only two things I like. I am going to have a tough old age so be it.
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
On Mon, 2014-05-19 at 08:37 +0530, Udhay Shankar N wrote: This is a fun list. Please add your own discoveries here. Udhay http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/03/01/opinion/sunday/what-you-learn-in-your-40s.html In my 20s I was learning. In my 30s I knew what I knew but was puzzled by odd beliefs and views expressed by people seemingly more experienced, ostensibly knowledgeable and older. In my 40s I found confidence in myself. I got the confidence to know where I was exactly right and where my limits lay, but often wasted time in trying to teach others what was right. In my 50s I realized that people have to discover some things on their own and that unless something really needs to be said to achieve something that I consider important, it is OK to say nothing and let people blunder through life. I will be 60 next year watch this space... shiv
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
On Tue, 2014-05-20 at 22:00 -0700, Danese Cooper wrote: 5. Sleep Is NOT For Sissies. Your body will carry you further if you moderate all things (food, exercise, recreation and sleep). Well said. I can only add, if you find yourself awake at night and tossing and turning. Don't get up and do something else. Simply stay in bed. Sleep will come, or at least you get physical rest. Humans are animals. Animals sleep when they are sleepy and stay awake when they must. Humans have built up myths about sleep. It is good to sleep during the day if you get a chance. Don't let anyone guilt you into thinking you are doing something wrong. shiv
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
On Wed, 2014-05-21 at 13:02 +0530, Mahesh Murthy wrote: 8. I don't know if I can retire. Really. If someone tells you that he is going to retire at 45 it means 1. He is tired of what he doing now - he thinks he is successful 2. He will not retire at 45 because he has not found out what he really should be doing I can name at least three people I know who told me when they were in their late 30s that they would retire by 45. They are hitting 50 now. shiv
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
On 23/05/14 23-May-2014;8:36 am, SS wrote: If someone tells you that he is going to retire at 45 it means 1. He is tired of what he doing now - he thinks he is successful 2. He will not retire at 45 because he has not found out what he really should be doing My definition of 'retire' may be slightly divergent from the above - it means I will continue doing [stuff similar to] what I currently do, but without needing to bother if I get paid or not. Udhay -- ((Udhay Shankar N)) ((udhay @ pobox.com)) ((www.digeratus.com))
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
And I learnt that chocolate spread is the result of an unholy nexus between capitalism and my children to get them to eat chocolate for breakfast. Just now. a moment back. When my 6 yr old asked for another slice of toast expanding his stomach size by 2. Am only trying to live no. 6 in Thaths mail, if you found my learning too silly for your liking. I am a lurker, but have empathised with this chain so much its brought tears to my eyes. And I am not 40 yet (that doesn't tell you much I know). Thanks everyone. Dinesh On Wed, May 21, 2014 at 7:15 AM, Sudhakar Chandra tha...@gmail.com wrote: What I've learned so far in my 40's: 1. This too shall pass. 2. Underneath our egos, fashion, persona, achievements, ideas and goals we are all wet, naked, shivering, starving babies wanting to be hugged. 3. Don't believe every thought you have. 4. When seen from the frame of reference of the heat death of the universe, almost everything is less serious than your mind makes it out to be. 5. It is almost universally better to have a nice walk than to argue with somebody who disagrees with you on the internet. 6. The past is over. The future has not arrived yet. All you have is this. very. moment. Try and live in it as much as you can. Thaths On Wed May 21 2014 at 3:00:46 PM, Danese Cooper dan...@gmail.com wrote: Okay...here's my wisdom (at the age of 55). Re-reading before I hit send, I realize some of this sounds relentlessly cheerful or optimistic and I want to preface by saying I have also suffered setbacks in my life that might have left me embittered (but wiser), but for whatever reason I am wired to minimize the troughs and revel in the peaks of life. I really do believe that the journey is the reward and that I profit more from taking a long view than chafing at short-term issues. Its all illusion anyway, invented to instruct my soul. If you got past this (and I'm sure there are some on this list who are already rolling their eyes) then read ahead... 1. Its been said before, but Don't sweat the small stuff and It's nearly all small stuff saved me from despair more than once along the road. Well I remember the day (at Sun Microsystems) when in a heated debate it suddenly came to me that we were arguing with a passion we could better put to use solving REAL problems. Since then my work motto has been It's only software. Likewise in my family life I try not to get too emotionally triggered when loved ones push my buttons. I can only control myself after all, and for myself I choose to be happy. 2. Use what you've been given. In the Game of Life, I believe there is no shame in exploiting your own talents to the best possible effect (within your own moral framework, of course). So I am untroubled as a feminist by the fact that my first three real jobs were absolutely given to me because the hiring manager fancied me ... I didn't feel I owed them any special attention as a result and was clear about that. I know this point will upset some of my friends. I was also graced with the ability to learn many things very quickly. I am therefore untroubled in accepting work where I don't know 100% of the skills required. This nuance may be lost on male readers (we are told most men will apply for a job if they have 60% of the skills described listed as required in a job posting, but most women will only apply if they have 100% of those skills ... I fall in the male camp here). 3. Never Stop Learning. To the previous point ... the goal isn't to become accomplished enough to gain some level of mastery and then coast until you die. The goal is to stay open, flexible and learn all you can. To this end, take risks and challenge yourself to keep learning. Use It or Lose It isn't just about your body, it also applies to cognition, capacity for joy, empathy, compassion and a host of other elements of being an embodied soul. 4. Take a How Hard Can It Be? approach to everything. Often you can get further than you even dreamed if you forge ahead despite predictions that you will fail ... and often the goal you were shooting for turns out to be incidental to the experience you gain. A companion to this advice is It's always better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission. The roll-up to both of these guidelines is that risk-takers may lose a given skirmish, but at least they do so from an active self. 5. Sleep Is NOT For Sissies. Your body will carry you further if you moderate all things (food, exercise, recreation and sleep). Your adrenals will crash if you burn the candle at both ends for too long, and it can be a long road back to functional health if that happens. Take care of your body. Its the only one you'll be given this time around. On Sun, May 18, 2014 at 8:07 PM, Udhay Shankar N ud...@pobox.com wrote: This is a fun list. Please add your own
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
On May 19, 2014 4:50 PM, Udhay Shankar N ud...@pobox.com wrote: - 8 hours of sleep is not just one of life's great pleasures, it's a necessity for which I am willing to give up job offers, and many other things. - The only true evil is boredom. Human needs are merely two, physical and psychological. The purpose of life is to _provide_ for the former and _eliminate_ the latter. Physical needs are sleep, food, water, shelter from the elements and so on. This was largely solved a few centuries ago - people have since had the choice to live healthy. This is the fruit of civilization. In fact, this is the only reason for civilization. Psychological needs are everything else. Growing our psychological needs makes us perennially hungry, we yearn for filling that empty space within without knowing how. Civilization is supposed to help us eliminate such needs. Yet does it? Civilization as it exists today is a travesty because it does the opposite. Not only does it grow our psychological needs immeasurably (loneliness, boredom, addictions, ambition, greed, and nonsense afflictions like road rage abound), it is undermining its raison d' être by preventing the satisfaction of physical needs like sleep, shelter, clean water and air. Reject such a civilization that makes a person homeless, that chokes the third world, that renders the poor obese, that starves the beautiful, that sleep deprives the brightest, and enrages the tired. Humans don't need thinner TVs, faster broadband and mars rockets at the expense of being human, they need to be free. Do not tolerate sleep depravation, it cuts at the meaning of existence. Do not tolerate boredom, cure it. It is a craving like any addiction. Don't strengthen it with distraction and activity. Cure it with mindful abiding. Living in the present moment, and an active observation of the self will cure every psychological affliction. Be aware of your body and mind. Meditate.
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
Upon prodding by Udhay, here's a few things I can put together. These are entirely driven by my personal experience. YMMV. I'm 48, and have been working since I was 17. Here's what I tell my friends and my eldest child, a boy of 16: 1. Marriage is obsolete. At least the sort of marriage favoured by many, involving mutual fidelity, a public ceremony involving parents and registrars, living together in closeness, parenting children, walking into the sunset hand in hand etc. All of these things may indeed happen and should happen if it comes naturally, but marriage is neither necessary nor sufficient nor indicated as a condition for any of these. One must resist urges by concerned parents and relatives to get married, there is very little net positive from that ceremony and what follows that I can sense, with the potential exception of inheritance rights - which is easily solvable anyway with one line in your will. One must, however love with abandon, and experience the highs and lows of life with those that you love by your side. It's something else altogether. 2. Having children is awesome. I have three. The oldest is a wise-beyond-his-years 16. The youngest just turned one. It is something else to lie at floor level and see the ground as a crawling baby sees it, and a joy to see how a 3-year old begins to form words around thoughts that are more complex than the words he knows to express them in. I was too young to appreciate them when I first became a dad at 32. I cherish it more now. 3. Focus is over-rated, especially in all matters regarding career. Well-meaning folks advise you to super-specialise. I think I've done well by, inadvertently though, super-generalising. Having a shallow, superficial and simultaneous knowledge of programming language structures, discounted cash flow calculations, copywriting, travel hacks, subwoofer dynamics, IPO mechanics, company law, the lyrics of Roger Waters, bhut jokokia and access to influential friends across music, movies, startups, art and business communities have all helped me add a lot of value to people and companies I work with. Typically one starts with a broad liberal arts background and then successively specialises. I think the opposite approach is just as, if not more useful in life. 4. You can have enough money. You can't have enough time. My desire for more personal wealth started tapering off a while ago - and I've since sought out increasing swathes of time - not just in a few weeks more of vacation - but a few hours more in every day for daily vacations. 5. Delegate, delegate, delegate. As a corollary, you can't get these swathes of time till you hand over day-to-day responsibility for things to others who will start off worse than you, but if you've picked them well, will end up executing better than you. 6. Keep a cash runway. I've gone through minor hell when I ended up dead-ass broke several times in the last 30 years by taking everything I've earned on a bet and then betting it on something else. Now I've socked away enough for a subsistence income if needed, and access to cash if needed. It's very freeing. Especially to bet the rest on the next big thing. 7. All forecasts are lies. Being involved somewhat with a few dozen companies, I can tell you all forecasts of revenues and margins are lies. I can't imagine how public companies give guidance every quarter, unless they're sand-bagging and fibbing and 'adjusting' big time. 8. I don't know if I can retire. Really. My $0.02 Mahesh 6. On Wed, May 21, 2014 at 12:07 PM, Din esh dinesh.mad...@gmail.com wrote: And I learnt that chocolate spread is the result of an unholy nexus between capitalism and my children to get them to eat chocolate for breakfast. Just now. a moment back. When my 6 yr old asked for another slice of toast expanding his stomach size by 2. Am only trying to live no. 6 in Thaths mail, if you found my learning too silly for your liking. I am a lurker, but have empathised with this chain so much its brought tears to my eyes. And I am not 40 yet (that doesn't tell you much I know). Thanks everyone. Dinesh On Wed, May 21, 2014 at 7:15 AM, Sudhakar Chandra tha...@gmail.com wrote: What I've learned so far in my 40's: 1. This too shall pass. 2. Underneath our egos, fashion, persona, achievements, ideas and goals we are all wet, naked, shivering, starving babies wanting to be hugged. 3. Don't believe every thought you have. 4. When seen from the frame of reference of the heat death of the universe, almost everything is less serious than your mind makes it out to be. 5. It is almost universally better to have a nice walk than to argue with somebody who disagrees with you on the internet. 6. The past is over. The future has not arrived yet. All you have is this. very. moment. Try and live in it as much as you can. Thaths On Wed May 21 2014 at 3:00:46 PM, Danese Cooper dan...@gmail.com wrote:
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
Oh I forgot. Contrary to some opinions here: I now sleep only 5 or 6 hours a day. Less than I ever did before. And it seems fine. On Wed, May 21, 2014 at 12:58 PM, Srini RamaKrishnan che...@gmail.comwrote: On May 19, 2014 4:50 PM, Udhay Shankar N ud...@pobox.com wrote: - 8 hours of sleep is not just one of life's great pleasures, it's a necessity for which I am willing to give up job offers, and many other things. - The only true evil is boredom. Human needs are merely two, physical and psychological. The purpose of life is to _provide_ for the former and _eliminate_ the latter. Physical needs are sleep, food, water, shelter from the elements and so on. This was largely solved a few centuries ago - people have since had the choice to live healthy. This is the fruit of civilization. In fact, this is the only reason for civilization. Psychological needs are everything else. Growing our psychological needs makes us perennially hungry, we yearn for filling that empty space within without knowing how. Civilization is supposed to help us eliminate such needs. Yet does it? Civilization as it exists today is a travesty because it does the opposite. Not only does it grow our psychological needs immeasurably (loneliness, boredom, addictions, ambition, greed, and nonsense afflictions like road rage abound), it is undermining its raison d' être by preventing the satisfaction of physical needs like sleep, shelter, clean water and air. Reject such a civilization that makes a person homeless, that chokes the third world, that renders the poor obese, that starves the beautiful, that sleep deprives the brightest, and enrages the tired. Humans don't need thinner TVs, faster broadband and mars rockets at the expense of being human, they need to be free. Do not tolerate sleep depravation, it cuts at the meaning of existence. Do not tolerate boredom, cure it. It is a craving like any addiction. Don't strengthen it with distraction and activity. Cure it with mindful abiding. Living in the present moment, and an active observation of the self will cure every psychological affliction. Be aware of your body and mind. Meditate.
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
On Wed, May 21, 2014 at 1:07 PM, Srini RamaKrishnan che...@gmail.com wrote: [...] I find many of my ambitious friends make a macho contest out of it - where sleeping becomes a crime. s/many/some/
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
To bring some variety to this thread would someone like to take a stab at what a 48 year old Barak Obama or Narendra Modi would have said? On Mon, May 19, 2014 at 8:37 AM, Udhay Shankar N ud...@pobox.com wrote: This is a fun list. Please add your own discoveries here.
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
So I'm not 40 (yet). Hopefully your lists will help make my cycles of iteration a little shorter. I want to also call on the list's wisdom with regards one item on Udhay's list: How does one make a living from a calling of being surrounded by interesting people and interesting conversation?
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
My two bits (Credit: Cattleprod applied by Udhay) 1) It is simple to be happy, but difficult to be simple. Simplify, simplify, simplify. (Is that grammatically correct? Wot me worry!) 2) Confront what makes you unhappy and implement a plan to remove the causes. Most of our fears, doubts and unhappy thoughts can be easily eliminated 3) Don't worry too much about the approval of others. (See #1) 4) High IQ is good but IQ+EQ is the real killer combination. IQ can take you places in the early years of one's career when technical skills matter more than people skills, but the higher up one goes, the more EQ one needs. 5) Figure out what makes you happy, and create the time and space for it. If reading makes you happy, read. If singing makes you happy, sing. 6) Slow down, listen with empathy, and smile. It is amazing how many friends you can make with these simple steps. This is probably 80% of EQ. 7) Contentment is underrated, while the pursuit of happiness is overrated. 8) Money and financial literacy are extremely important if you have to be a master of money, and not a slave. Start your financial literacy journey as early as possible. 9) Love without clinging. 10) Focus and refocus on the good and exciting things in life and you will always wake up every morning full of hope and optimism. This is the secret to staying young. Nuff said! Venky On Wed, May 21, 2014 at 1:02 PM, Mahesh Murthy mahesh.mur...@gmail.comwrote: Upon prodding by Udhay, here's a few things I can put together. These are entirely driven by my personal experience. YMMV. I'm 48, and have been working since I was 17. Here's what I tell my friends and my eldest child, a boy of 16: 1. Marriage is obsolete. At least the sort of marriage favoured by many, involving mutual fidelity, a public ceremony involving parents and registrars, living together in closeness, parenting children, walking into the sunset hand in hand etc. All of these things may indeed happen and should happen if it comes naturally, but marriage is neither necessary nor sufficient nor indicated as a condition for any of these. One must resist urges by concerned parents and relatives to get married, there is very little net positive from that ceremony and what follows that I can sense, with the potential exception of inheritance rights - which is easily solvable anyway with one line in your will. One must, however love with abandon, and experience the highs and lows of life with those that you love by your side. It's something else altogether. 2. Having children is awesome. I have three. The oldest is a wise-beyond-his-years 16. The youngest just turned one. It is something else to lie at floor level and see the ground as a crawling baby sees it, and a joy to see how a 3-year old begins to form words around thoughts that are more complex than the words he knows to express them in. I was too young to appreciate them when I first became a dad at 32. I cherish it more now. 3. Focus is over-rated, especially in all matters regarding career. Well-meaning folks advise you to super-specialise. I think I've done well by, inadvertently though, super-generalising. Having a shallow, superficial and simultaneous knowledge of programming language structures, discounted cash flow calculations, copywriting, travel hacks, subwoofer dynamics, IPO mechanics, company law, the lyrics of Roger Waters, bhut jokokia and access to influential friends across music, movies, startups, art and business communities have all helped me add a lot of value to people and companies I work with. Typically one starts with a broad liberal arts background and then successively specialises. I think the opposite approach is just as, if not more useful in life. 4. You can have enough money. You can't have enough time. My desire for more personal wealth started tapering off a while ago - and I've since sought out increasing swathes of time - not just in a few weeks more of vacation - but a few hours more in every day for daily vacations. 5. Delegate, delegate, delegate. As a corollary, you can't get these swathes of time till you hand over day-to-day responsibility for things to others who will start off worse than you, but if you've picked them well, will end up executing better than you. 6. Keep a cash runway. I've gone through minor hell when I ended up dead-ass broke several times in the last 30 years by taking everything I've earned on a bet and then betting it on something else. Now I've socked away enough for a subsistence income if needed, and access to cash if needed. It's very freeing. Especially to bet the rest on the next big thing. 7. All forecasts are lies. Being involved somewhat with a few dozen companies, I can tell you all forecasts of revenues and margins are lies. I can't imagine how public companies give guidance every quarter, unless they're sand-bagging and fibbing and 'adjusting' big time. 8. I don't know if I can retire.
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
stop trying to impress people if they're not impressed yet, its not going to happen. let go of notions of 'normal' behavior what was immature is now 'eccentric' and there's no one to impress anyway delayed gratification is over gratify to ones hearts content working for money is boring reduce and be happy nothing to get no where to go On Mon, May 19, 2014 at 8:37 AM, Udhay Shankar N ud...@pobox.com wrote: This is a fun list. Please add your own discoveries here. Udhay http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/03/01/opinion/sunday/what-you-learn-in-your-40s.html • Eight hours of continuous, unmedicated sleep is one of life’s great pleasures. Actually, scratch “unmedicated.” • There are no grown-ups. We suspect this when we are younger, but can confirm it only once we are the ones writing books and attending parent-teacher conferences. Everyone is winging it, some just do it more confidently. • There are no soul mates. Not in the traditional sense, at least. In my 20s someone told me that each person has not one but 30 soul mates walking the earth. (“Yes,” said a colleague, when I informed him of this, “and I’m trying to sleep with all of them.”) In fact, “soul mate” isn’t a pre-existing condition. It’s an earned title. They’re made over time. • You will miss out on some near soul mates. This goes for friendships, too. There will be unforgettable people with whom you have shared an excellent evening or a few days. Now they live in Hong Kong, and you will never see them again. That’s just how life is. • Emotional scenes are tiring and pointless. At a wedding many years ago, an older British gentleman who found me sulking in a corner helpfully explained that I was having a G.E.S. — a Ghastly Emotional Scene. In your 40s, these no longer seem necessary. For starters, you’re not invited to weddings anymore. And you and your partner know your ritual arguments so well, you can have them in a tenth of the time. • Forgive your exes, even the awful ones. They were just winging it, too. • When you meet someone extremely charming, be cautious instead of dazzled. By your 40s, you’ve gotten better at spotting narcissists before they ruin your life. You know that “nice” isn’t a sufficient quality for friendship, but it’s a necessary one. • People’s youthful quirks can harden into adult pathologies. What’s adorable at 20 can be worrisome at 30 and dangerous at 40. Also, at 40, you see the outlines of what your peers will look like when they’re 70. • More about you is universal than not universal. My unscientific assessment is that we are 95 percent cohort, 5 percent unique. Knowing this is a bit of a disappointment, and a bit of a relief. • But you find your tribe. Jerry Seinfeld said in an interview last year that his favorite part of the Emmy Awards was when the comedy writers went onstage to collect their prize. “You see these gnome-like cretins, just kind of all misshapen. And I go, ‘This is me. This is who I am. That’s my group.’ ” By your 40s, you don’t want to be with the cool people; you want to be with your people. • Just say “no.” Never suggest lunch with people you don’t want to have lunch with. They will be much less disappointed than you think. • You don’t have to decide whether God exists. Maybe he does and maybe he doesn’t. But when you’re already worrying that the National Security Agency is reading your emails (and as a foreigner in France, that you’re constantly breaking unspoken cultural rules), it’s better not to know whether yet another entity is watching you. Finally, a few more tips gleaned from four decades of experience: • Do not buy those too-small jeans, on the expectation that you will soon lose weight. • If you are invited to lunch with someone who works in the fashion industry, do not wear your most “fashionable” outfit. Wear black. • If you like the outfit on the mannequin, buy exactly what’s on the mannequin. Do not try to recreate the same look by yourself. • It’s O.K. if you don’t like jazz. • When you’re wondering whether she’s his daughter or his girlfriend, she’s his girlfriend. • When you’re unsure if it’s a woman or a man, it’s a woman. Pamela Druckerman is the author of “Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting,” and a contributing opinion writer. -- ((Udhay Shankar N)) ((udhay @ pobox.com)) ((www.digeratus.com))
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
My incomplete list: - 8 hours of sleep is not just one of life's great pleasures, it's a necessity for which I am willing to give up job offers, and many other things. - The only true evil is boredom. - Corollary: being surrounded by interesting people and interesting conversation is my life's calling. - Adulthood is measured (at at least, validated by) rites of passage. As you grow older, the rites of passage get more wrenching. - Life is too short for relationships (whether work-related or otherwise) that involve head games as a primary mode of interaction.
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
Everything counts. Everything that has happened to you, good or bad, has left its gifts or its wounds. Enjoy the one and deal with the other. The past is over. Let it go. Appreciate all the people who make your life better. Out loud. When they are present. Even (especially?) when you are feeling annoyed or dispirited. Your health is one of the most precious things in your life. Taking care of yourself is the finest self-indulgence. Cultivate good habits in yourself, but be sure to blend them with pleasure. Each day should nurture you in all ways. Eat to live, but enjoy every morsel to the fullest. Exercise every day in a way that gives you delight. Spend time with friends who make you feel good about yourself and the world. Set aside a little time for quiet reflection every day. Remember to breathe. Use your gifts to make the world a better place. It's deeply satisfying. Open your heart and then open your heart and then open your heart again. Life is too short to let yourself become a crabbed, bitter old person. John Sundman mailto:j...@wetmachine.com May 19, 2014 at 3:21 AM May 19, 2014 * Religion is bunk (hat tip to Henry Ford, History is bunk.). I believed this starting about age 17, but only began to see deep implications of this fact in my 40's. Beware religious tribalism. It's everywhere. The mythology of religion might be bunk, but religious practices have deep psychological truth in them. There might be no one out there to pray to, the practice of prayer is grounding and centering. Parts of all religious books were written by some of the wisest human beings of their times. You can glean much of value if you can translate those writings into terms you can understand and accept. Similarly, there is much of value in a sincere religious community. Becoming a deeper and more compassionate human being is a worthy goal in the latter part of one's life, and a good religious community can be extremely supportive in that endeavor. Religious communities are also superlative at helping people face illness, death, and dying with grace and loving support. Many religious communities are also involved in various worthy projects to which we can contribute. -- In appreciation, Heather Madrone (heat...@madrone.com) http://www.friend-in-need.blogspot.com Walk cheerfully over the world, answering that of God in everyone.
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
I don't disagree with any of the following, but add the caveat that religious institutions are susceptible to become breeding grounds for cant, magical thinking, groupthink, intolerance. I don't accuse all religious institutions of these flaws. However the danger is always present where conformity to magical thinking is mandatory. jrs On May 19, 2014, at 12:48 PM, Heather Madrone wrote: The mythology of religion might be bunk, but religious practices have deep psychological truth in them. There might be no one out there to pray to, the practice of prayer is grounding and centering. Parts of all religious books were written by some of the wisest human beings of their times. You can glean much of value if you can translate those writings into terms you can understand and accept. Similarly, there is much of value in a sincere religious community. Becoming a deeper and more compassionate human being is a worthy goal in the latter part of one's life, and a good religious community can be extremely supportive in that endeavor. Religious communities are also superlative at helping people face illness, death, and dying with grace and loving support. Many religious communities are also involved in various worthy projects to which we can contribute.
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
I found this list of heuristics from Nassim Taleb - mind, I don't agree with a lot of those (the more he adds, the worse it gets, I think) - but it's interesting to read, either way. https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8nhAlfIk3QIODdHYl95d1dWNE0/edit Dibyo
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
On May 19, 2014, at 7:36 PM, Udhay Shankar N ud...@pobox.com wrote: Original Message Subject: Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s Date: Mon, 19 May 2014 14:11:50 -0400 From: Bruce A Metcalf cons...@augustansociety.org To: Udhay Shankar N ud...@pobox.com Udhay Shankar N ud...@pobox.com wrote: This is a fun list. Please add your own discoveries here. I've turned 60 this year; here's hoping my remarks are 1.5 times as good: You can be anything you want -- but you cannot be everything you want. With every good thing comes a price, and the wise man will consider it before choosing. Authors and filmmakers are generally more impressive on paper or screen than in real life. Don't blame them, they don't have a chance to edit real life. Actors and celebrities tend to fall into two camps: Those who wish (at least occasionally) to be treated as normal people; and those who don't believe they are normal people. Entertain the wishes of the former to thank them; evade the latter regardless. It's okay to just have fun sometimes. In fact, it's necessary for mental health. Spend time with old friends now, while you still can. Spend time with young friends now, while you still can. You can't fix everything. This doesn't mean you shouldn't try, only that you be sure that you will find enough satisfaction in making the effort, and are not fixated on some result. It is better to deal with causes than with symptoms. Let me close with my favorite quote from Cicero: If I have a library and a garden, I have all that I need. Regards, Bruce
[silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
This is a fun list. Please add your own discoveries here. Udhay http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/03/01/opinion/sunday/what-you-learn-in-your-40s.html Eight hours of continuous, unmedicated sleep is one of life’s great pleasures. Actually, scratch “unmedicated.” There are no grown-ups. We suspect this when we are younger, but can confirm it only once we are the ones writing books and attending parent-teacher conferences. Everyone is winging it, some just do it more confidently. There are no soul mates. Not in the traditional sense, at least. In my 20s someone told me that each person has not one but 30 soul mates walking the earth. (“Yes,” said a colleague, when I informed him of this, “and I’m trying to sleep with all of them.”) In fact, “soul mate” isn’t a pre-existing condition. It’s an earned title. They’re made over time. You will miss out on some near soul mates. This goes for friendships, too. There will be unforgettable people with whom you have shared an excellent evening or a few days. Now they live in Hong Kong, and you will never see them again. That’s just how life is. Emotional scenes are tiring and pointless. At a wedding many years ago, an older British gentleman who found me sulking in a corner helpfully explained that I was having a G.E.S. — a Ghastly Emotional Scene. In your 40s, these no longer seem necessary. For starters, you’re not invited to weddings anymore. And you and your partner know your ritual arguments so well, you can have them in a tenth of the time. Forgive your exes, even the awful ones. They were just winging it, too. When you meet someone extremely charming, be cautious instead of dazzled. By your 40s, you’ve gotten better at spotting narcissists before they ruin your life. You know that “nice” isn’t a sufficient quality for friendship, but it’s a necessary one. People’s youthful quirks can harden into adult pathologies. What’s adorable at 20 can be worrisome at 30 and dangerous at 40. Also, at 40, you see the outlines of what your peers will look like when they’re 70. More about you is universal than not universal. My unscientific assessment is that we are 95 percent cohort, 5 percent unique. Knowing this is a bit of a disappointment, and a bit of a relief. But you find your tribe. Jerry Seinfeld said in an interview last year that his favorite part of the Emmy Awards was when the comedy writers went onstage to collect their prize. “You see these gnome-like cretins, just kind of all misshapen. And I go, ‘This is me. This is who I am. That’s my group.’ ” By your 40s, you don’t want to be with the cool people; you want to be with your people. Just say “no.” Never suggest lunch with people you don’t want to have lunch with. They will be much less disappointed than you think. You don’t have to decide whether God exists. Maybe he does and maybe he doesn’t. But when you’re already worrying that the National Security Agency is reading your emails (and as a foreigner in France, that you’re constantly breaking unspoken cultural rules), it’s better not to know whether yet another entity is watching you. Finally, a few more tips gleaned from four decades of experience: Do not buy those too-small jeans, on the expectation that you will soon lose weight. If you are invited to lunch with someone who works in the fashion industry, do not wear your most “fashionable” outfit. Wear black. If you like the outfit on the mannequin, buy exactly what’s on the mannequin. Do not try to recreate the same look by yourself. It’s O.K. if you don’t like jazz. When you’re wondering whether she’s his daughter or his girlfriend, she’s his girlfriend. When you’re unsure if it’s a woman or a man, it’s a woman. Pamela Druckerman is the author of “Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting,” and a contributing opinion writer. -- ((Udhay Shankar N)) ((udhay @ pobox.com)) ((www.digeratus.com))
Re: [silk] What You Learn in Your 40s
I add the following: it is cool to hang out with oneself. it is not stressful, in fact it is a stress reliever. Now we see ourselves as insignficant but have a better handle on what is meaningful. Incremental and steady work without deadlines (no longer needed since there is very little time left) is fantastic. It is a real return to childhood. Radhika On Sun, May 18, 2014 at 8:07 PM, Udhay Shankar N ud...@pobox.com wrote: This is a fun list. Please add your own discoveries here. Udhay http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/03/01/opinion/sunday/what-you-learn-in-your-40s.html • Eight hours of continuous, unmedicated sleep is one of life’s great pleasures. Actually, scratch “unmedicated.” • There are no grown-ups. We suspect this when we are younger, but can confirm it only once we are the ones writing books and attending parent-teacher conferences. Everyone is winging it, some just do it more confidently. • There are no soul mates. Not in the traditional sense, at least. In my 20s someone told me that each person has not one but 30 soul mates walking the earth. (“Yes,” said a colleague, when I informed him of this, “and I’m trying to sleep with all of them.”) In fact, “soul mate” isn’t a pre-existing condition. It’s an earned title. They’re made over time. • You will miss out on some near soul mates. This goes for friendships, too. There will be unforgettable people with whom you have shared an excellent evening or a few days. Now they live in Hong Kong, and you will never see them again. That’s just how life is. • Emotional scenes are tiring and pointless. At a wedding many years ago, an older British gentleman who found me sulking in a corner helpfully explained that I was having a G.E.S. — a Ghastly Emotional Scene. In your 40s, these no longer seem necessary. For starters, you’re not invited to weddings anymore. And you and your partner know your ritual arguments so well, you can have them in a tenth of the time. • Forgive your exes, even the awful ones. They were just winging it, too. • When you meet someone extremely charming, be cautious instead of dazzled. By your 40s, you’ve gotten better at spotting narcissists before they ruin your life. You know that “nice” isn’t a sufficient quality for friendship, but it’s a necessary one. • People’s youthful quirks can harden into adult pathologies. What’s adorable at 20 can be worrisome at 30 and dangerous at 40. Also, at 40, you see the outlines of what your peers will look like when they’re 70. • More about you is universal than not universal. My unscientific assessment is that we are 95 percent cohort, 5 percent unique. Knowing this is a bit of a disappointment, and a bit of a relief. • But you find your tribe. Jerry Seinfeld said in an interview last year that his favorite part of the Emmy Awards was when the comedy writers went onstage to collect their prize. “You see these gnome-like cretins, just kind of all misshapen. And I go, ‘This is me. This is who I am. That’s my group.’ ” By your 40s, you don’t want to be with the cool people; you want to be with your people. • Just say “no.” Never suggest lunch with people you don’t want to have lunch with. They will be much less disappointed than you think. • You don’t have to decide whether God exists. Maybe he does and maybe he doesn’t. But when you’re already worrying that the National Security Agency is reading your emails (and as a foreigner in France, that you’re constantly breaking unspoken cultural rules), it’s better not to know whether yet another entity is watching you. Finally, a few more tips gleaned from four decades of experience: • Do not buy those too-small jeans, on the expectation that you will soon lose weight. • If you are invited to lunch with someone who works in the fashion industry, do not wear your most “fashionable” outfit. Wear black. • If you like the outfit on the mannequin, buy exactly what’s on the mannequin. Do not try to recreate the same look by yourself. • It’s O.K. if you don’t like jazz. • When you’re wondering whether she’s his daughter or his girlfriend, she’s his girlfriend. • When you’re unsure if it’s a woman or a man, it’s a woman. Pamela Druckerman is the author of “Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting,” and a contributing opinion writer. -- ((Udhay Shankar N)) ((udhay @ pobox.com)) ((www.digeratus.com)) -- “Be careful what you water your dreams with. Water them with worry and fear and you will produce weeds that choke the life from your dream. Water them with optimism and solutions and you will cultivate success. Always be on the lookout for ways to turn a problem into an opportunity for success. Always be on the lookout for ways to nurture your dream. ~ Lao Tzu (courtesy -Peacefrog) ““The most regretful people on earth are those who felt the call to creative work, who felt their own creative power restive and uprising,
