-Caveat Lector-
THE UNITED STATES SENATE IN DISGRACE
AND LOVING IT!
by Norman Liebmann
History is not famous for being kind, but it has shown its mercy in
allowing the Founding Fathers not to be witnesses to the Senate's
dishonor. The Senate has demanded and will find its rightful place in
the bowels of ignominy. Its members were charged with determining
whether two hundred pounds of out-of-control erectile tissue should
continue to degrade the office of the Presidency. Only among this
gaggle is this a matter with nuances. One finds it reasonable the
designation "Senate" derives from the Latin word "senility." Being a
Senator is a kind of on-the-job-retirement, a category for which the
AARP has printed no brochure.
If the Clinton trial were a mystery movie, Americans would already
have walked out. The entire nation knows "who dunnit?" but the Senate
is still going through the motions of trying not to find out. (Now you
know why film smells that way when they burn it.) With the verdict not
yet in, Clinton has promised the Senate he will not gloat. It is an
insult so gross, we can only expect the Senate will do everything
within its authority to deserve it.
It is admirable to have the courage of your convictions. Lamentably,
this Senate has the convictions of its courage. It is a white O.J.
jury bent on Constitution-nullification. The question is no longer, do
Clinton's crimes rise to the level of impeachment, but why can't the
Senate rise to it. The sham trial of William Jefferson Clinton will be
remembered as "The Cop Out at the O.K. Corral."
Fear is the crazy glue that binds these solons together. You know
there is some inner fortitude lacking when the Senate starts each
session by reciting "The Cringe of Allegiance." The legend above the
Senate chamber's door should read, "Through these portals pass the
most pompous mice in the world." This is a Senate that would be
congenial to the politics of ancient Rome at its most decadent, and
they are ready to treat the nation to an epic convulsion of
conscience. In a supposedly open society this Senate wheels and deals
behind closed doors more than Mafia; just one of the many devices it
uses to exhaust Americans beyond caring. If the Senators do not act
with integrity it's because he have none to act with.
The U.S. Senate likes to call itself "the world's greatest
deliberative body." Apparently, it does not discern a disparity
between "deliberative" and "hesitant." The Senate is a Home for the
Chronically Indecisive, Incontinent, and Integrity Bereft. It's
members have a foxhole mentality, and when they saw this coming, they
jumped in and pulled the hole in after them. Their natural state is
one of intellectual vapor lock. Hence, they have never encountered a
problem it felt couldn't be "waited out."
The rules of the game of cricket are more abstruse and convoluted than
Einstein's time-space continuum, but simple pie compared to the rules
of the Senate. (Characteristically, baseball is absurd to the "Brits"
because its rules do not require each player to carry an umbrella.)
Still, every Senator holds in reverence at least Rule 1 of Senate
procedure. i.e.- "A Senator must keep talking until he thinks of
something to say." The rest is embroidery. (In floor debates, most
Senators prefer to debate themselves, which they feel gives them a
"home court advantage.")
These Doges of the Senate's principal objective is to boost the
chamber from a quaint talking shop to a cavernous hangar whose echo
can make small talk sound like oratory. The actual discourse involves
caressing each other with verbal peacock feathers, the extending of
cheap courtesies, and stringing the Senate chamber with mucous
compliments; in short, telling each other what a great bunch of guys
they are. It's a cheap trick but it works for them. In truth, they
lack the courage and integrity to insult each other, as properly they
should, and they lack the wit. This last is unpardonable.
We are coming to the end of the Great Integrity Scavenger Hunt, to
decide if the Senate has the guts to say Clinton's crimes reek to the
level of impeachment. No one is surprised these political hacks, who
spent all that time and money to get into the Senate, are now running
for the hills. Ten seconds after they swore not to make up their minds
before hearing all the evidence, their verdict was inscribed on
asbestos and on its way to a Nevada landfill where it is sure to
create an environmental hazard. Sir Thomas More, Robert Bolt's "man
for all seasons", took a trip to the chopping black for embarrassing
King and Council with his indefectible character. As none in this
clutch possesses More's qualities, no Senator will suffer the same
fate (irrespective of how much it would improve his appearance.)
At this writing the Senate is considering a "bi-furcated verdict."
Nobody knew what a bi-furcated verdict was until Barney Frank
explained, it's someone who "furcates" both ways. (The White House
considers Frank
