Happy holidays all
Kirk
In a few days, all America will be celebrating the holiday of Thanksgiving, or
as it is known outside the United States, "Thursday."
Families separated for months or years will reunite, and shortly afterwards
they will remember why they separated. In a darkened gymnasium, Richard Simmons
will run his revenue projections and consider buying a small Caribbean island.
Throughout the nation, those wretched souls condemned to the public school
system will breathe a bit easier, eager in their anticipation of four days
surcease from education. (The students are pretty happy about it, too.)
Yet running through this gaiety is an undercurrent of bewilderment. In this
decadent age we live in, far too many of our unlettered countrymen think
Plymouth Rock a music style from the '70s, or the Mayflower a potpourri
ingredient. Accordingly, in the best traditions of journalistic public service
and overweening arrogance, my column this frosty morn shall be dedicated to
answering your questions about Thanksgiving.
Q. Gosh, you're right. I, the average reader, am dumb as a post. What exactly
are the origins of Thanksgiving?
A. Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers and farmers to
allow them to sell huge quantities of disgusting "traditional" foods that no
one in his right mind
would eat otherwise, such as squash. The average squash is a triumph of
minimalism wherein Nature manages to convert mud into a plant without bothering
to change its taste and texture. Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of
squash by the addition of delicate seasonings and spices have produced dishes
that taste, at best, like delicately
seasoned and spiced mud. A master chef, faced with the necessity of making a
palatable squash dish, would throw in his funny hat and become a short-order
cook at Denny's.
Q. That's quite a conspiracy theory. Where do the Black Helicopters fit in?
A. They transport the squash.
Q. I should have guessed. But seriously, what are the origins of Thanksgiving?
A. The first Thanksgiving was a celebration of gratitude by a group of early
English settlers known as the Pilgrims. The Pilgrims were Separatists who had
come to the New World to practice their religion without government
interference, and since the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms did not
exist at the time, they were allowed to do so.
Unfortunately, the Pilgrims neglected to acquire a few skills (such as
elementary agronomy) before setting off on their voyage, and as a result they
nearly starved. The local Indians, who at the time were practicing their
ancient sustenance methods of hunting and fishing, took pity on the Pilgrims
and taught them to farm the native flora. In a display of appreciation, when
the first harvest was taken in, the Pilgrims held a huge feast and invited the
Indians over for dinner, after which they all fell asleep on couches
while watching football.
Q. OK, but when did Thanksgiving become a national holiday?
A. Thanksgiving Day was adopted as an annual holiday by New York State in 1817,
marking the first official celebration of Thanksgiving as a regular event, and
the last time a New Yorker said "thank you" for anything. In 1863, President
Lincoln appointed a national day of thanksgiving, and every subsequent
president has followed suit.
Q. Speaking of turkeys, is it true that Ben Franklin thought the turkey should
have been our national bird instead of the eagle?
A. Ben Franklin was indeed a proponent of the turkey as our national bird.
Since he was a member of the Hellfire Club at the time, though, his motives
were somewhat suspect.
It must be kept in mind that the modern domestic turkey bears little
resemblance to its feral ancestors. The wild turkey is a cunning and elusive
survivor, a challenging
quarry for the most skilled of hunters. Farm turkeys, on the other hand, have
been selectively inbred for generations in an attempt to improve flavor and
increase breast meat production. These efforts have had numerous side effects
on the birds in question, including reduced intelligence, difficulty in
maintaining balance, and the creation of the
Spice Girls.
Q. Is there a final message you would like to give to your readers on this
Thanksgiving Day?
A. Enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner. You can have my squash.
---------------------------------
Be a better sports nut! Let your teams follow you with Yahoo Mobile. Try it now.
-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: /pipermail/attachments/20071119/6ee0c85f/attachment.html
_______________________________________________
Biofuel mailing list
Biofuel@sustainablelists.org
http://sustainablelists.org/mailman/listinfo/sustainablelorgbiofuel
Biofuel at Journey to Forever:
http://journeytoforever.org/biofuel.html
Search the combined Biofuel and Biofuels-biz list archives (70,000 messages):
http://www.mail-archive.com/biofuel@sustainablelists.org/
