On 18 Jul 2000, 12:40, [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:
> I have an answering machine that I use primarily (or only, I should say)
> for screening calls. I don't like to screen calls, but where I use it
> (in my college dorm), most of my calls are either prank calls or
> telemarketer calls.
> However, I don't want to seem rude, nor do I want to drive away wanted
> callers or give people the idea that I'm not there. I would like to
> know what kind of message I should leave on my answering machine. Until
> now, I have been using
>
> "Hi, this is Andrew. Please leave your name and a message after you
> hear the beep, and I'll return your call as soon as possible. Thank
> you."
>
> However, I don't think that this effectively states my point. What I'm
> really trying to say is something like
>
> "Hi, this is Andrew. If you're a telemarketer or you're making a prank
> call, then hang up now, because I don't want any &*@%. Otherwise, say
> so, and if I have no problem with what I hear, than I'll answer the
> phone."
>
> Of course, I don't want to say it like that. It should be more like
>
> "Hi, this is Andrew. I am available, but due to recent pranks and
> telemarketers, I need you to state your name and purpose of calling
> before I can answer the phone. Thank you."
>
> I also think this sounds a little bit rude. This seems like a strange
> question to ask, but is there any rule of etiquette that tells you how
> to say that you are accepting all calls except pranks and telemarketers?
I vote that you just leave it the way it is. However, I did do some
research on the web just now and I obtained a listing of proper and
appropriate answering machine messages you could substitute should you
find one to your liking:
---begin---
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your
phone 90 degrees and try again.
Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark
sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief
message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See
if you can tell the difference.
WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're
not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll
assimilate you later.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the
shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is
done... (Cachunk!)
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. (or) Hello, you're caller
number nine!
(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message,
please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number,
please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial
your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press
star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and
message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called,
please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and
BEEP
E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name
and number, and prepare to die.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name
and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word.
Today's word is "supercilious".
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang
up.
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one
of them will get back to you.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself.
Thanks.
Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for
Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP
(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world
without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You
see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering
device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on
your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your
touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch
tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it
is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a
big time phone system.
(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a...
er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's, Oh, I mean, false...
er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast
System. This is only a test.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message,
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for
you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean,
like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed
is disconnected or no longer in service.
Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy
evael esaelp os, won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.
The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number
is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once
this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice
for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain
the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message
after the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die
before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
---end---
:-)
Alan
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
