Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Monday, January 12, 2004
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
in my name in a Swiss bank. -- Woody Allen |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp",
and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your
fault, though, is it?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches,
and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city --
the twine should help).
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for
the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in
it. Professional help is indicated.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time.
You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared -
something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked,
Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital
warts, for one thing..."
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will
accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will
open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less
appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard
worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar?
You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one
anyway -- that's always fun.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You
never know...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable
cats.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the
universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the
best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band"
theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory
that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may
actually be a gopher.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It will occur to you that there may be something behind
the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack
foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be
dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after
downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.
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