hi my name is mex I am an ... ellipsis abuser
On Thu, Nov 28, 2013 at 10:47 PM, Mugsy Lunsford <[email protected]> wrote: > One of the reasons I'm thankful for facebook's existance, is that it > provides a glimpse at whatever Jim Wright is ranting about this time. > > Happy Gobbletov, everyone. > > Tuesday, November 26 at 3:04pm · Edited > As usual, I’ve got a bunch of friend requests that I’m delinquent on > processing. > > Sorry about that. I’ll get on it right away. Or possibly later. Maybe > tomorrow. OK, eventually. > > By now, you’re all (or Y’all for the Southern Folk) are likely familiar > with my basic friending policy, which can be summed up as: I check you out, > and a) you’re a jerk: then you get to die friendless and alone in a ditch > alongside the information superhighway, or b) Not a jerk: Welcome aboard. > Mind the white cat, he smells weird and he bites, or c) Can’t determine > jerk status: You’re banished to Social Media Limbo unless you make an > effort to message me otherwise. > > What you’re all likely less familiar with is my related Unfriending > policy, or as I call it: The Steel-Toed Boot of High Dudgeon, Woeful > Sorrow, Shameful Banishment, and Die, Die, Die. > > As I’ve said, I try to weed out the problems up front in the friending > process. Unfortunately a few un-housebroken types do manage to slip past > the gate and get into the party, where they usually proceed to claw at the > furniture, bark furiously at the guests, and crap on the carpet – at which > point I have to apply The Boot to their backsides. > > Here’s what leads to unfriending: You seemed like an okay person at first, > but over time it’s become apparent that you’re a shameless practitioner of > High Assholery. > > Want to stick around? Don’t do that. > > Seems simple enough, right? > > Sure, but what exactly constitutes felony assholery? > > - Anal Leakage: Probably the quickest way to get booted is by engaging in > verbal diarrhea. I can only take so much gibberish before I start > twitching. Interaction with these people is the conversational equivalent > of a pinball machine: flashing lights, frenetic noise, and random motion. > They habitually barge into conversations sideways, while in the middle of a > thought based on something they were randomly thinking about that has > NOTHING whatsoever to do with the topic at hand and then they just expect > me to figure out what they’re on about. I post, “Hey, check out this > picture of my cat attacking the mailman with a chainsaw. Thought you all > could use a chuckle – because really nothing more amusing than a homicidal > house pet maiming a public employee, right? Who doesn’t love that? You’re > welcome.” And then we’re all having a good time in the comments telling > funny stories about murderous pets and the random mauling of mail carriers > when, without warning, Verbal Diarrhea Guy up and soils himself in public > with “Christmas Elves! Radon! Airplane! Louis and Clarke slathered in > stripper saliva HAH HAH and what about the Trade Federation’s robot embargo > of Naboo, how is that NOT totally a Monsanto metaphor?” There’s a > noticeable pause in the conversation while everybody makes the WTF Face, > and then this goes one of two ways, a) I ignore him hoping he’ll just shut > up and take the hint – at which point he predictably misinterprets > irritated silence for enthusiastic encouragement and advances to the next > category of capital assholerly (see below), or b) against my better > judgment I ask for clarification which is the Facebook equivalent of waving > mockingly at that one scowling chimp on Monkey Island who’s been throwing > handfuls of his own excrement at the other primates all day and who will > eventually be tranq’d by the zoo staff in the middle of the night and sold > to a lab for medical experimentation - and nobody will care. > > - Obsessive Compulsive Conversational Disorder: This guy, we all know this > guy. He SEEMS perfectly normal, until you accidently unleash his pet > bugaboo. I post something like “Hey, check out this picture of my cat > attacking the mailman with a chainsaw…” and we’re all having a good time > telling funny stories about chainsaws and homicidal postal workers when, > without warning, this guy suddenly becomes the conversational equivalent of > a hyperactive incontinent golden-retriever leaping up on people and > spraying warm yellow puppy urine in all directions. “MailMAN? MAN? I’m > sorely disappointed that your domesticated but independent feline-American > 4-footed housemate would continue to perpetuate sexual stereotypes by > attacking a mailMAN instead of a Gender-Neutral Bi-Pedal Postal Delivery > Engineer…” And they obsessively continue to comment over and over, “I > didn’t mean to kill the conversation, sorry, but I just can’t let this go. > It’s important to take a stand against feline sex bias in the field of old > fashioned hand delivered paper media…” And then they start emailing you. I > once made an offhand comment about the Occupy Movement and one of these > people made more than an hundred comments, each more insane and irrational > than the last, just on and on and on. I unfriended her. So she spammed my > message queue. So I blocked her and reported her for harassment (fat lotta > good that did, Facebook). So she then switched to spamming two of my email > accounts. Do you know it’s been almost two years, the Occupy Movement is > essentially defunct having imploded into a ball of apathy and personal > hygiene issues, and I STILL get daily messages from this insane woman? > > - Joeblivious: There’s one of these people in every crowd. I don’t know > what the equivalent is with women, but with men, it’s the sports guy. > Doesn't matter what it is. Doesn’t matter what the conversation is about. > Doesn’t matter what’s happening. It’s always the same with this jackass. > “Jesus Hannibal-The-Cannibal Christ! Cats have taken up power-tools and are > grinding people into kittychow! They’ve already slaughtered the mailmen and > they’re coming for us next! Run! Run for your lives, Everybody!” and > there’s this guy, totally obvious, “Heeeey, who saw the game last night? > How about those Porkbellies? Man, when Ironballs Garfailowitz blew out a > roller-skate but STILL managed to spike the boomerang over the net past the > catchers’ racket there in that last lap for a double-birdie, EPIC, I just > KNEW the porkbellies were going to go all the way!” Here on my facebook > page, Joeblivious is the politics guy. No matter what I post, it’s always > got to be tied to politics. “Hey, look, here’s a picture of a bunny with a > pancake on its head!” and Joeblvious responds with “Reminds me of that time > Dick Cheney killed all those orphans at the church pancake breakfast.” > Look, folks, not everything has to be about Dick Cheney. As The Freud once > famously observed, “Sometimes it’s just a goddamned bunny with a pancake on > its head!” > > - Inviters and crusaders: The staggering number of Facebook foofery I get > invited to just boggles my mind. And, yeah, okay, maybe I get the part > where you invited me to some political rally or to go naked hot-tubbing, > but for the love of Cannibal Flesh Eating Jesus, Folks, why would you keep > inviting me to your kid’s various activities? Do you really want me showing > up at your offspring’s fifth grade graduation bar mitzvah rodeo? You really > want ME around young impressionable children? ME? Really? I use a LOT of > foul language, the only party stories I tell all involve alcohol and > strippers in foreign ports, and the only balloon animals I know how to make > all end up looking like dicks. I question the sanity of ANYBODY who would > invite me to their family gatherings, including my OWN family. Also, please > stop asking me to pledge my undying loyalty to whatever cause is popular > right now. Frankly, folks, I don’t care how many “likes” you get, I’m not > going to pledge my immortal soul against buying shit on Black Friday. I > hate crowds and shopping in general, but if I see a good deal on > chainsaw-powered cat boomerangs, you can bet your Gender-Neutral Postal > Delivery Engineer I’ll be right down there at Wal-Mart sucker punching your > grandma in the kidneys to get the last one. > > I’ve also got issues with people who engage in felony ellipsis abuse (USE > A PERIOD TO END A SENTENCE GODDAMNIT!!!), however I don’t want to sound > like I’m obsessing about it (SWEET CANNIBAL JESUS WITH A CHAINSAW, MAKE THE > ELLIPSIS ABUSE STOP!! MAKE IT STOP!) > > But anyway, like I was saying, I’ll get to those friend requests in just a > minute. > > In the meantime, here, have a balloon-animal… > > -- > You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups > "StrataList-OT" group. > To unsubscribe from this group and stop receiving emails from it, send an > email to [email protected]. > To post to this group, send email to [email protected]. > Visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/stratalist-ot. > For more options, visit https://groups.google.com/groups/opt_out. > -- You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "StrataList-OT" group. To unsubscribe from this group and stop receiving emails from it, send an email to [email protected]. To post to this group, send email to [email protected]. Visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/stratalist-ot. For more options, visit https://groups.google.com/groups/opt_out.
