Hi All,
Just to ease any post-Christmas blues out there, here's a look at
what might happen if our prevailing PC climate tightened somewhat.
A HYPOTHETICAL CASE
What if we were to take political correctness to its logical conclusion? Would
we have court cases in which otherwise very exemplary people, and perhaps even
former heroes and world leaders, were pilloried?
Let look at a hypothetical case. Here the names Beelzebub, Lucifer,
Mephistopheles and Old Nick all appear as different people but in fact they all
refer to one person, or rather entity, the Evil One himself. Some of this may
appear a bit sacrilegious but it is in fact a morality tale.
Imagine you have just opened your daily newspaper and found the following. I
have called it a hypothetical case.
Arising from a legal challenge under the Civil Rights Act a Mr Beelzebub -
acting for a plaintiff who gave an address in Gomorrah - asked the court to
rule on the legality of Christmas Day as a compulsory break for all citizens
regardless of belief. The State's case, based on the Act of Settlement which
acknowledged the Church as one of the founding forces of the nation, looked set
easily to rebuff the challenge.
Bishop Zacharias, called as a witness for the defence, said that the Church
accepted Christ as the Son of God and His birth date as a solemn event which
could not be regarded as an ordinary working day. Beelzebub countered with the
view that Christmas Day was based on improper information and was not in fact
the birth date of Christ. Justice Pope demanded further evidence to
substantiate this claim. Beelzebub responded by calling a witness who asked for
name suppression.
This was granted and the witness, known to the court only as Mary, claimed to
have had sexual relations with the Holy Ghost resulting in the birth of a son
but added that the records had been falsified on the orders of King Herod. The
birthplace, she said, was a stable behind an inn in the village of Bethlehem.
She believed the month was December but could not attest as to the year.
Asked to state her age at the time she said she was unsure but her uncle had
assured her she was of marriageable age and she had indeed been married at the
time to a man called Joseph. Beelzebub asked the court to note a statement by
leading sociologist who said that Middle Eastern marriages were often arranged
for under-age females.
Beelzebub: "Did you consent to sex with the Holy Ghost?"
The witness did not reply. Pressed further, she said in a whisper that she had
spoken only to an angel who had appeared and told her she had been chosen to be
the Mother of God.
Counsel for the plaintiff then said he would be reframing his charges to
include non-consensual sex with an under-age female, and a further charge
against a person or persons unknown as an accessory before the fact.
"In short, my Lord, a pimp," Beelzebub added.
At that point Justice Pope ordered a retrial on the grounds that the issues
raised were too complex for the lower courts. An urgent Supreme Court hearing
was set down for the following week under Chief Justice Pious.
At the new hearing the State subpoenaed Jehovah as a character witness for the
Holy Ghost who, on the grounds of intangibility, said he could appear only to
the faithful and hence it would be unlikely He could be heard and seen by all
the court officers.
Jehovah, challenged by Beelzebub, admitted He was the Holy Ghost's alter ego.
He denied that actual sexual connection had taken place and claimed it was a
miracle birth.
Justice Pious immediately adjourned the court amid uproar. When the court
resumed the following day Beelzebub continued his attack on the State's case by
accusing Jehovah of corrupt practice in attempting to subvert a witness. Asked
by the court to explain this, Beelzebub said he had written affidavits from the
innkeeper and his wife to confirm that they had seen hush money being handed
over to Mary in the form of gifts by three men traveling on camels.
Calling Mary back to the stand Beelzebub got an admission that she thought they
were just three wise men who wanted to be nice to her newborn child. Reading
from a written account of the incident by an itinerant fisherman called John,
Beelzebub asked her to confirm that she had, as John put it, "kept these things
in her heart"
"Yes," said Mary.
"In other words you kept your mouth shut?"
"Yes."
"And did the Holy Ghost ever appear to you again?"
Silence.
Beelzebub did not press the point but rested his case and called on the State
to arraign Jehovah on charges of major breaches of the Civil Rights Act,
corruption, statutory rape and failure to provide child support.
The court adjourned for a discussion in chambers by top counsel in consultation
with the Attorney General who finally decided there was a prima facie against
Jehovah. That's where the ordure really hit the fan.
The Attorney General, a Mr Michael Mephistopheles, who bore a striking
resemblance to Beelzebub, opened the whole can of worms with a case outline
which included accusations of genocide by deliberate flooding of large areas of
the Middle East, trade-offs of political support by a small Jewish sect in
return for promises of land, use of genetic weapons against political opponents
in Egypt which created plagues of locusts and, most damning of all, breaches of
the criminal justice code in promulgating behavioral restraints known as the
Ten Commandments.
"Worst of all, your Lordship," said Mephistopheles in his opening speech.
"Worst of all is what I call the Name in Vain commandment." This he claimed was
a gross infringement of the Civil Rights code which was based on the acceptance
of free speech for all.
His case looked a bit threatened when the first witness, a Mr Noah, failed to
appear. The court erupted when Noah's eldest son, Ham, rose to explain that his
father was still in his chambers "unclothed and far gone in wine." Justice
Pious was unable to quiet the hilarity and called a short recess.
When the court reconvened Mephistopheles called a Mr Moses who gave his address
as "somewhere in Sinai". Moses confirmed receiving the Ten Commandments from
Jehovah at a secret meeting on top of Mount Sinai. He also confirmed Jehovah's
promise of land in return for support but added angrily that while everyone
else had benefited the accused had prevented him, Moses, from taking up the
offer.
Queen's Counsel Gabriel, acting for Jehovah, immediately asked the court to
strike Moses' statement from the record on the basis that he was a biased
witness. The Judge agreed.
Asked if he had any objection, Mephistopheles smiled, shook his head and added:
"We have plenty more where that came from, your Lordship. In fact a whole book
full."
At that stage the judge called counsel to his chambers, later emerging to tell
the press that the matter had been settled out of court. Mephistopheles
appeared on the late news that evening to say this was only a tactical move and
further charges were pending.
Media commentators now regard the case as such political dynamite that it is
unlikely to resume until after the next election which is only months away.
The political quid pro quo there is that the government, as indicated in the
polls, is likely to fall resulting in replacement of the Attorney General. That
would get everyone off the hook as both major parties are largely in agreement
on the issues and it is in everyone's interest to ensure the case goes nowhere.
Interestingly, the political contender for the post of Attorney General is a
very astute young barrister called Nicholas Lucifer. His uncle, Old Nick, had
the reputation of never losing a case.
...............................................................................................................................................
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