The BBC World Service has announced the conditions under which it would resume
shortwave broadcasting to North America.
In light of the USA's continuing failure to handle its economy and to
nominate competent candidates for President and thus to govern
themselves, the USA must agree to the revocation of independence.(if
necessary,look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) The USA shall
become the most southerly province of the British Commonwealth country, Canada.
The Queen will then appoint the Governor General of Canada to be her
representative over the newly expanded territory with all the vast power now
exercised by the Canadian Governor General. Each state of the present USA will
become a Canadian riding with one member of parliament sent to Ottawa. The
House of Repreentatives and the Senate are to be disbanded.
To aid our new subjects to rejoin the British Empire as a province of Canada,
the following rules are to be accepted unconditionally:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will now spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize'
will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected
to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (if necessary,look up
'vocabulary' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
2. There will be no such thing as U.S . English. English is the language the
BBC speaks. The BBC will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be modified to take into account the reinstated letter 'u''
and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will be celebrated as a holiday to acknowledge the
end of the USA's unsuccessful 250 year experiment in independence.
4. New subjects of HRH Queen Elizabeth II will learn to resolve personal issues
without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many
lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready yet to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or spending hours with a therapist,then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, subjects will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections shall be replaced with roundabouts, and subjects shall
drive on the left side of the road immediately. Using
roundabouts while you learn to drive on the left may help you understand
the British sense of humour.
7. At the same time, all forms of measurement will go metric with
immediate effect. The BBC had to do it 20 years ago and we discovered that it
works better than the old imperial system anyway. However because your
monetary system is already metric (you got that bit right) you will be
permitted to adopt the Canadian dollar as your form of currency.
8. Speaking of money, you shall adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been mistakenly calling gasoline) of roughly $10/Canadian per gallon.
Get used to it.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as (based on
their rather small population) they are the greatest sporting nation
on earth and this can only be due to something they put in their beer.
They are also still a part of the British Commonwealth - see what it has
done for them.
American beer-type drinks will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that they can be sold without risk of further confusion until
you get used to drinking proper beer.
10. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having One's Royal ears
removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing that game that you call American football.
There is only one kind of proper football; you (mistakenly) call it
soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
hold an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face
the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JR. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all past
monetary obligations incurred since 1776 including reparations for the cost of
your Revolutionary War forward priced to today at 6% per year).
15. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed with vinegar not with tomato sauce (which you
mistakenly call catsup).
16. Tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. daily with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (which you
mistakenly refer to as cookies) and cakes; plus fresh strawberries (with
cream) when in season.
You have until 1 April 2009 to agree to these conditions. Failure to do so
will not only result in the continuing absence of BBC on shortwave, but severe
to-be-defined sanctions such as prohibitions on British citizens' further
purchases of depressed Florida condos, export restrictions on bleeding Watney's
Red Barrel, and restraints on purchase of spare Lucas electrical and ignition
components for your antique MG's, Triumphs, Austins and Sunbeams which fail
with regularity.
God Save the Queen!
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