Oh, how badly you must miss the horse. > -----Original Message----- > From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] > dx.com] On Behalf Of Joe Buch > Sent: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 11:25 > To: SW Programs > Subject: [Swprograms] BBC Defines Conditions For Resumption of SW to North > America > > The BBC World Service has announced the conditions under which it would resume > shortwave broadcasting to North America. > > In light of the USA's continuing failure to handle its economy and to > nominate competent candidates for President and thus to govern > themselves, the USA must agree to the revocation of independence.(if necessary,look up > 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) The USA shall become the most southerly > province of the British Commonwealth country, Canada. > > The Queen will then appoint the Governor General of Canada to be her representative > over the newly expanded territory with all the vast power now exercised by the Canadian > Governor General. Each state of the present USA will become a Canadian riding with > one member of parliament sent to Ottawa. The House of Repreentatives and the Senate > are to be disbanded. > > To aid our new subjects to rejoin the British Empire as a province of Canada, the > following rules are to be accepted unconditionally: > > ----------------------- > > 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' > 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will now spell > 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' > will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected > to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (if necessary,look up > 'vocabulary' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) > > 2. There will be no such thing as U.S . English. English is the language the BBC speaks. > The BBC will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be > modified to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' > > 3. July 4th will be celebrated as a holiday to acknowledge the > end of the USA's unsuccessful 250 year experiment in independence. > > 4. New subjects of HRH Queen Elizabeth II will learn to resolve personal issues without > using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists > shows that you're not quite ready yet to be independent. Guns should only be used for > shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or spending hours > with a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse. > > 5. Therefore, subjects will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything > more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if > you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. > > 6. All intersections shall be replaced with roundabouts, and subjects shall drive on the left > side of the road immediately. Using > roundabouts while you learn to drive on the left may help you understand > the British sense of humour. > > 7. At the same time, all forms of measurement will go metric with > immediate effect. The BBC had to do it 20 years ago and we discovered that it works > better than the old imperial system anyway. However because your > monetary system is already metric (you got that bit right) you will be > permitted to adopt the Canadian dollar as your form of currency. > > 8. Speaking of money, you shall adopt UK prices on petrol (which > you have been mistakenly calling gasoline) of roughly $10/Canadian per gallon. Get used > to it. > > 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually > beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to > as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be > referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as (based on > their rather small population) they are the greatest sporting nation > on earth and this can only be due to something they put in their beer. > They are also still a part of the British Commonwealth - see what it has > done for them. > > American beer-type drinks will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's > Urine, so that they can be sold without risk of further confusion until > you get used to drinking proper beer. > > 10. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as good guys. > Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English > characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four > Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having One's Royal ears > removed with a cheese grater. > > 11. You will cease playing that game that you call American football. > There is only one kind of proper football; you (mistakenly) call it > soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play > rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not > involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar > body armour like a bunch of nancies). > > 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to > hold an event called the World Series for a game which is not played > outside of America. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face > the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries. > > 13. You must tell us who killed JR. It's been driving us mad. > > 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all past monetary > obligations incurred since 1776 including reparations for the cost of your Revolutionary > War forward priced to today at 6% per year). > > 15. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French > fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato > chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in > animal fat, and dressed with vinegar not with tomato sauce (which you > mistakenly call catsup). > > 16. Tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. daily with proper cups, with > saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (which you > mistakenly refer to as cookies) and cakes; plus fresh strawberries (with > cream) when in season. > > You have until 1 April 2009 to agree to these conditions. Failure to do so will not only > result in the continuing absence of BBC on shortwave, but severe to-be-defined sanctions > such as prohibitions on British citizens' further purchases of depressed Florida condos, > export restrictions on bleeding Watney's Red Barrel, and restraints on purchase of spare > Lucas electrical and ignition components for your antique MG's, Triumphs, Austins and > Sunbeams which fail with regularity. > > God Save the Queen! > > > > > > _______________________________________________ > Swprograms mailing list > [email protected] > http://montreal.kotalampi.com/mailman/listinfo/swprograms > > To unsubscribe: Send an E-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] > dx.com?subject=unsubscribe, or visit the URL shown above.
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