If I didn't go toilet before reading, I'd have quite unhappily pissed myself
laughing but I did not, thankfully. I never did see that before but it is
great. Very good.
Whoever wrote it did a good job for sure.
On Friday, February 15, 2008 9:57 PM,
Vanja Sudar happened to mention in passing:
This is just hilarious!
Dear Citizens of America,
In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
elect to spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will
be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline") - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
"Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ear
removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough, in
time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of Jessies - English slang for "Big Girls Blouse").
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due, backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Vanja
http://www.sudar.co.uk
http://mashupradio.net
MSN/windows live messenger: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
AIM: vanja121
Skype: vanja121
Did you miss a message? Well, don't.
http://www.mail-archive.com/talk2%40andrelouis.com/
has it for you. Never miss a Talk2 message again.
