>> Now if only we could get you as fired up about coming down in the cave with >> us.... :) <<
What she said. Bill ---- Mallory Mayeux <[email protected]> wrote: > Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! > > David, I just skimmed your review, but you have to label it "SPOILER ALERT" > before you write a review that gives away the plot!!! Texas cavers need to > experience this firsthand! > I was introduced to this piece of cinematic trash by Ronnie Harrison, a > TX/KY caver in the Houston Grotto. He came over and we watched this movie @ > my place, just so he could watch the expression on my face during the last > 15 minutes. This movie is SICK. A very disturbed individual wrote this > script. It's vile. > > That being said, I'm definitely going to buy a copy. I want to watch the > last 15 minutes on repeat a few times, just to be sure that I saw what I > think I saw. Also, I'd like to share this movie with friends & fellow > cavers, preferably drunk ones. (you need to be, to watch this in it's > entirety.) I want them to marvel, as I did, about who in the heck thought it > a valuable use of their time to produce this crap. > > David, I also love how you took time out of your busy schedule, not just to > watch this thing, but to write a detailed review of it and post it on > cavetex, and find links and web reviews for this trainwreck. > > That's dedication. Now if only we could get you as fired up about coming > down in the cave with us.... :) > > Mallory > > > > On Wed, Jun 10, 2009 at 11:04 AM, David <[email protected]> wrote: > > > You all remember the movies, "The Cave" and "The Descent," > > but do you remember the one called, "The Cavern" ? > > > > Why did Hollywood make 3 very crappy movies about > > caving within a year of each other. ( If they had > > combined their financial resources and made one movie, > > it would have probably been watchable. ) > > > > http://cover6.cduniverse.com/MuzeVideoArt/Large/68/305968.jpg > > > > http://www.imdb.com/media/rm745905408/tt0451262 > > > > I found the DVD of "The Cavern" at Half-Price Books. I don't > > remember ever hearing about this movie, but it must have been > > that it was rumored to be so bad, that I did not go see it. > > > > The directors of this movie seemed to try harder to make it > > more about caving than the other two. However, the audience > > was never given an opportunity to connect with the cavers. The > > cavers seem like a crew assembled for a Survivor TV show. I > > didn't believe any caver on the group deserved to be on this > > so-called important expedition, especially the trip leader. > > > > The cave was supposedly in a remote area of Kazakhkstan, however, > > there was no beautiful cinematography to make the audience appreciate > > the landscape. The cave entrance and passage were not impressive at > > all. > > > > The directors tried to make the audience feel sorry for the team as they > > had lost a colleague on a previous trip to Peru. She had washed away > > in a sump and was never seen again. I did not like the way they > > played this part into the story. > > > > There was one sex scene in the cave entrance, but it was meant to lead > > to the horror plot and not to be erotic. This scene could have > > been done completely > > different like a love scene in "Love in the Time of Cholera," and it > > could have played out > > very well. Instead the horror part was cheezy and stupid. The > > directors lost > > an opportunity for the audience to bond with these 2 cavers. > > > > The cavers tried to appear well organized. But any caver watching > > it would see > > a bunch of newbie thrillseekers. They immediately find a hole in > > the floor of the > > cave passage that is a pit leading to a lower level. They never > > see on the cave > > floor any sign of the cave being used by animals or some creature, > > like footprints, > > or bones. They all bop the pit in a matter of seconds, but it is > > only about 30 meters > > deep. I think the directors really lost credibility by this time > > of the movie. I don't > > know what kind of rappelling device the trip leader used. It was > > larger than a Petzl Stop and was at the > > face level of him. He squeezed it to make it descend like a Petzl. > > ( Some Hollywood gadget ? ) > > Everybody else appeared to use a rock-climbers tiny Figure-8. ( I > > think most caver's would agree that this > > type of Figure-8 is not proper vertical equipment for caving. ) > > > > Most of them were using cheap internal frame backpacks on their backs > > to haul their > > gear, and most of these packs appeared to be half-empty. > > > > They all had 2 lights on their helmet. But in an effort to look > > cool, they used both > > lights at the same time, even while their batteries were nearly > > depleted and they were > > hopelessly trapped in a cave with a beast. > > > > Immediately their cable-operated telephones did not work. > > Immediately one of their > > buddies was not in the room at the bottom of the pit. He seemed to > > vanish from thin > > air. They followed a large blood trail to him. His intestines > > were hanging out > > and he was gasping for air. The surface crewman was dissected by the > > creature and thrown with the rope into the pit. > > > > The rest of the movie was like the Blair Witch Project. They > > eventually shot the > > creature which they thought appeared to be a half-bear/half wolf, but > > we didn't see > > the creature then. It survived several gun shots in the cave only > > to kill the shooter. > > ( How many cave trips carry a semi-automatic pistol into the cave ? ) > > They said > > in Kazakhstan, it was necessary, so I will buy that. > > > > So we are down to 3 cavers trapped in what appears to be a small cave with > > only > > a few passages barely big enough to stoop walk. ( But how does the > > creature > > get down there if there is no passage, and how does such a large creature > > move > > so quietly in the cave and in the dark ). > > > > Then 2 girls are left alone to fend for themselves with almost no > > light. They > > find a crawlway leading to sunlight. The audience thinks these 2 girls > > are > > going to live. > > > > This is when the movie goes from bad to just plain ignorant, and trashy. > > > > The girls get caught, but for some reason unknown to the audience, they > > faint > > and wake up in a room with a campfire and a door sealed by a large rock. > > They are naked, but covered in a bear rug. They have no physical signs > > of being kidnapped by a beast. > > > > There is meat roasting on a skewer above the fire, and the girls suddenly > > for no reason become savagely hungry and start eating the meat like they > > have not eaten in weeks. They soon realize it was their trip leader > > friend, > > and begin to vomit in a way that most of the audience wants to vomit. > > > > They explore the room, and realize that some human occupies it and that > > he was a child survivor of some sort of Russian plane crash back in the > > 80's. > > > > The creature returns. He appears to be some sort of cave-man wearing > > a cave-bear skull for a mask. He grunts and takes of his mask. He > > studies the girls. He decides to spear one of them to a bloody death. > > And then he apparently begins to rape the other one, as the movie > > ends in her bloody covered face screaming. > > > > http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2690292992/tt0451262 > > > > The worst movie ending I have ever seen. > > > > Nothing about the creature was believable. > > > > The movie audience will not learn anything positive about caving. > > They will feel cavers are stupid for entering caves. They will > > feel cavers are boring people with no lives. > > > > Maybe the morale to the story was to tell someone where you > > are going caving and to have a surface support group on your > > expedition. But they still would have all been eaten by the > > caveman. > > > > Here is a web-review that seems to agree with me that the movie > > sucked. > > > > http://www.horror.com/php/article-1309-1.html > > > > David Locklear > > caver in Fort Bend County > > > > Ref: > > > > Here is a photo of the trip leader, shortly before he was roasted > > on the skewer. > > > > http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2742394112/tt0451262 > > > > http://www.netflix.com/Movie/The_Cavern/70051025 > > > > > > https://www.hotmoviesale.com/store/productView.aspx?idProduct=22874&ec=1&ProdId=29 > > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Visit our website: http://texascavers.com > > To unsubscribe, e-mail: [email protected] > > For additional commands, e-mail: [email protected] > > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- Visit our website: http://texascavers.com To unsubscribe, e-mail: [email protected] For additional commands, e-mail: [email protected]
