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> A* *SENIOR MOMENT...... I HOPE I HAVE THEM LIKE THIS!!! > > > A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager > thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times. > > > *Dear Sir,* > > * I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with > which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three > nanoseconds** **must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and > the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer,of > course,to the* *automatic monthly* *deposit of my Pension, an > arrangement, which, I admit, has **only been in place for a mere thirty* > *eight > years. You are to be commended for seizing that* *brief* *window of > opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty* *for > the inconvenience caused to your bank.* > *My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has > caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I > personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,* *when I try to > contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,** **overcharging, > pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, > like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person**.* > *My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be > automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and > ** confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be > aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to > open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status* > *which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to > eight** pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your > bank knows about me, there is no alternative Please note that all copies of > his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the > mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and > liabilities)* *must be accompanied by documented proof.* > *In due course, I will issue your employee with* *PIN number which > he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter > than 28** digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button > presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank > service. As they say, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.** * > *Let me* *level the playing field even further. When you call me, press > buttons as follows:* > > *1. To make an appointment to see me.** > 2. To query a missing payment. > 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. > 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. > 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. > 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. > 7. To leave a message on my computer a password to access it is required. > This will be communicated to you at a later date for the Authorized > Contact. > 8. To return to the main menu,and to listen to options 1 through to 8. > 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on > * *hold, pending the* *attention of my automated answering service.* > * * > *While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music > will play for the duration of the call.* > > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an > establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. > > May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. > > *Your Humble Client,* > > Myrtle J Watson. > > > > *(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman. DOESN'T SHE MAKE > YOU PROUD!)* >
