http://specials.msn.com/A-List/Brad-Pitt-to-fight-zombies.aspx?cp-searchtext=Brad%20Pitt%20to%20fight%20zombies
It doesn't say which character he is going to play in World War Z; so, I think
he should just reprise one of his previous roles:
Tyler Durden - Fight Club
Good News for Humanity?
Unbeknownst to the public, Master Card was working on a secret formula in their
basement to turn people into drooling idiots who don’t think twice about buying
a Big Mac at 29% interest (suspending our disbelief that such a thing hasn’t
already happened). The C4 in the bombs mixed with the secret formula and
mutated into a virus that causes even more advanced zombieism.
“Joe’s brain can’t handle zombies.”
It is up to Tyler Durden to reemerge and, again, save humanity from itself!
Tyler is a master at organizing and leading groups of people into doing
extreme
often self-sacrificing activities, especially frustrated and distraught people
who feel they have nothing to lose. As long as they don’t make soap out of
zombie fat, yea, humanity lives! Civilization – not so much.
Good News for Audiences?
Even if it could get made without an NC17 rating, expect a truly entertaining
mind-raping, provided it doesn’t come across as a commentary piece on
consumerism with the subtly of a Che Guevara biography directed by Michael
Moore
and produced by Oliver Stone.
Achilles - Troy
Good News for Humanity?
If the movie had been done the right way, with Achilles being a god, just give
him a bite-proof sock, and humanity would have nothin’ to worry about. With
the
human character he did play? While, I don’t see the zombies falling for an
army
hidden in a giant brain, he was a super badass fighter with melee weapons and
had the backing of huge freakin’ army who fought for years just to get back 1
chick. Imagine how hard they would fight when the future of humanity is at
stake.
Good News for Audiences?
Just have Peter Jackson direct it and cut out 80% of the first movie’s dialogue
and we are good to go.
Lt. Aldo Raine - Inglourious Basterds
Good News for Humanity?
Ok, now we are talkin’ about a freakin’ movie! Not only was he the commander
of
crack squad of WWII soldiers, he had no problems carving swastikas in the heads
of living Nazis – what do you think?
Good News for Audiences?
See above answer. Plus, more Eli Roth with a bat.
Joe Black/Death - Meet Joe Black
Good News for Humanity?
While vampires would be the ultimate affront to Death, zombies would be a close
second (or maybe third behind, for some reason, good musicians), but I don’t
think even the promise of nookie from the alluring Claire Forlani (is that
necrophilia?) would incentivize his version of Death to do much more than be a
spectator of humanity’s ultimate destruction. Actually, Death taking a little
vaca is decent origin story for zombies (and for how Lindsey Lohan and Amy
Winehouse are still alive).
Good News for Audiences?
I couldn’t stay awake during just the trailer; even with zombies, not sure how
much it would be improved.
Detective David Mills - Se7en
Good News for Humanity?
Det. Mills’ own brain seemed pretty broke at the end of that flick; so, while
he
would have some good character motivation, I don’t think he’d be in any decent
mental shape against the hordes of the undead.
Good News for Audiences?
The opening scene of Gwyneth Paltrow’szombified head jumping out of the box and
eating Morgan Freeman could possibly be the best opening sequence ever.
Louis de Pointe du Lac - Interview with the Vampire
Good News for Humanity?
While the comic series, Last Blood, featuring vamps trying to save the last
humans from zombies being made into a movie might be awesome, Louie didn’t seem
that concerned about his own existence, much less humanity’s, and I, for one,
kept hoping he would decide to go try to get a suntan (and not in a ‘Twilight’
sparkly way). Also, I think ‘de Pointe du Lac’ is French for “Whiney Mc-Fancy
Pants”.
Good News for Audiences?
See above answer.
Rusty Ryan - Ocean's Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen
Good News for Humanity?
If it’s possible to kill zombies with smarm and superiority complexes, the cast
could end the zombie apocalypse from start to finish in real time.
Good News for Audiences?
Oh, crap, I think I just gave George Clooney the idea for Ocean’s Fourteen.
But
I’d watch it just to see Julia Roberts get eaten by a zombie Carl Reiner – then
I’d walk out.
Jesse James - The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Good News for Humanity?
Ok, I haven’t actually seen this movie, but I’m assuming it’s not a biopic
about
Sandra Bullock’s ex, but instead about the bank robber/gunslinger. While he
could be great with headshots (and assuming the zombie attack takes places
before the inevitable climax - spoiler alert: Jesse James gets assassinated),
he
wasn’t exactly the Robin Hood model citizen many make him out to be, and he
probably wouldn’t be into looking out for us everyday common folk.
Good News for Audiences?
While everyone else in the movie would be screwed, old west gang of bank
robbers
trying to fend off zombies? Hells to the yes! Get Clint Eastwood to direct it,
and it would be the first zombie movie to ever win an Oscar for Best Picture!
Dick's Roommate - True Romance
Good News for Humanity?
Aw, crap, we would be so f***ed.
Good News for Audiences?
For those people who are making a third Harold and Kumar possible –
yes.
Jeffrey Goines - Twelve Monkeys
Good News for Humanity?
I don’t think they ever said that the virus actually just killed people; maybe
it did turn them into zombies. Sure, Jeff was really nuts, but maybe he’s just
the right kind of nuts to . . . send him through time . . . to try and stop . .
. zombies. We’d have a better chance with getting saved by Dick’s Roommate.
Good News for Audiences?
Since it involves time travel, it could be the first pre-sequel. Gilliam
directing a movie with zombies featuring a time traveling version of the
character that earned Pitt a Golden Globe and an Oscar nomination for Best
Supporting Actor? Zombies would have to suck out brains off the floor, as they
would have exploded out our eyes (‘they’ being our brains, not the zombies –
those would have to be tiny zombies).
Final Score: Zombies 6 – Brad Pitt 4.
Next Up: Zombies vs. the roles of Clint Howard.
~Ron
(off to go photoshop some of these potential movies . . .)
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