Great email Mike. My reading of the post was that because this pertains to a work situation (as opposed to personal or educational) the most important is to focus on the work that this person must perform. Does she do it well (by her own admission perhaps not) and does her behavior interfere with her ability to do the work well or the ability for other people to do their work well? We all have to deal with irritating people - that is life. But if the irritating things people do interfere with the quality of the work produced then it is a problem that should probably not just be tolerated. Have someone constantly interrupt sounds like it might be actually disruptive whereas simply not being likable might not be (hard to tell from the brief description). Anyway, focus on behavior that interferes with work and ignore (put up with) behaviors that are merely annoying. Marie
**************************************************** Marie Helweg-Larsen, Ph.D. Department Chair and Associate Professor of Psychology Kaufman 168, Dickinson College Carlisle, PA 17013, office (717) 245-1562, fax (717) 245-1971 http://www.dickinson.edu/departments/psych/helwegm Office hours: Monday 10:30-11:30, Tuesday & Wednesday 2:00-3:30 **************************************************** -----Original Message----- From: Mike Palij [mailto:[email protected]] Sent: Wednesday, January 14, 2009 10:06 AM To: Teaching in the Psychological Sciences (TIPS) Cc: Mike Palij Subject: re: [tips] Unlikable people in the workplace On Wed, 14 Jan 2009 03:59:19 -0800, Robin Abrahams wrote: >TIPSters-- >I got a fascinating letter for my advice column, which I've posted on >my blog along with some commentary. The url is here >(http://tinyurl.com/7g8h7h ); I'll also post the text after this short >message. > >The woman who wrote me has ADHD, depression, and anxiety. >She knows she is "unlikable" and a challenge to work with. I advised >her on the specific problem she presented (a manager who has it >in for her, which can happen to anyone) but the larger >philosophical/psychological issues are thought-provoking. What >courtesies and accommodations do we (not as teachers, but as >co-workers/managers) owe to people who are unable to develop >normal social skills? If anyone would like to comment on my blog, >comments from actual psychologists would, I think, be informative. [snip] >Does it matter that a person with attention deficit disorder can't help it? A few points: (1) Perhaps the first thing that should come to mind when thinking about a "case" like this is that we need to keep track of three things: (a) personological variables (i.e., aspects of the individual who has the problem), (b) environmental variables (i.e., other people who the individual has to interact with as well as situational variables and processes that the individual is engaged in [i.e., doing certain tasks, meeting certain deadlines, interacting with others in a particular manner, etc.]), and (c) the interaction of personological variables with the situation variables (i.e., how does one's response to situations vary as a function of other variables, either personal [e.g., feeling fatigued] or situational [e.g., time pressure and stress]). If one were to plan an intervention, one would have to take into account all three things as well as other factors. The question of whether "one can't help it" seems to imply or emphasize an individual's self-control but, from a purely behavioral perspective, what in the environment is reinforcing certain types of behavior? A skilled behavior analyst could probably analyze this case and perhaps identify factors (most likely environmental) that could change behavior that one claims "can't be helped". Or are we conceding that things like ADHD, anxiety, and depression is not something we can control or influence? And are capabilities for behavior change so limited that one can't learn to develop social skills? Remember our attributional biases when thinking about this type of situation. (2) Perhaps I am reading the post wrong but it seems to me that the problem is not that the person is "unlikable" but that her environment has changed from one that tolerated her behavior to one that didn't. Changing managers was the source of her current problem. From this view the solution may be (a) to replace the manager or (b) find a new environment that will tolerate her behavior. For the former, if the manager is in the Boston area, there may be some people in the South Boston area who might be available to arrange the event. :-) (3) Concerning the point: | So my question is this. What do people do if they are unlikable, |if even 10 years of therapy and medication don't help? My first question is what sort of therapy has she been getting? Has she been with the same therapist for 10 years or has she gone from one therapist to another? Has she been to a behavior therapist or a cognitive therapist or a cognitive-behavioral therapist? (An aside: a person I knew once said to me that he had spent over a decade in psychoanalysis and was still as miserable as when he started; I asked why was he still in it, he responded that he had a far better understanding of why he was miserable -- I suggested that maybe he should consider trying NOT to be miserable even if he didn't understand the reasons why). It seems to me that this person needs to develop some self-control skills and social skills and I would think that there are certain types of therapists that are expert in building behaviors in these areas. However, it does require one to choose to change and not exercise the "right to refuse" to change (i.e., "this is who I am -- deal with it"). (4) I have known unlikable people, including Ph.D.s and M.D.s., in the workplace. Some were able to find to find situations in which their "idiosyncrasies" were tolerated, some didn't. If their contributions are considered "important enough" to allow the "powers that be" to overlook their unlikable aspects, then their unlikability is only a "local problem" (i.e., the people who have to work with them). It's amazing what will be tolerated if an important need is being fulfilled. However, an unlikable person who does not have much to offer is in a different situation. Either one finds a situation in which they are tolerated or they need to change in order to fit into some situation (or some of both). -Mike Palij New York University [email protected] --- To make changes to your subscription contact: Bill Southerly ([email protected]) --- To make changes to your subscription contact: Bill Southerly ([email protected])
