Just a short response to support Mike on some of his comments. One major reaction I also had is that if this woman is so aware of her unappealing traits then she also would make a great candidate for a behavioral therapist who could help her improve her social skills. She could actually LEARN to become a likable person! She also makes reference to feeling depressed as well as anxious. Well that's certainly understandable, as going through life with qualities that make it difficult to establish positive and lasting friendships at work and at play would be sad and anxiety-producing for most of us. Finally, I agree with Mike on this tendency of folks to stay with a therapist for years without making achieving any genuine improvements in their mood or life circumstances quite exasperating. Her therapist is likely very understanding and listens well--and lets her review again and again what her problems are in life and with herself. She needs a therapist who will encourage her to move on to modifying her thinking and behavior patterns in order to make her relationships more successful and her life more gratifying.
Joan [email protected] > On Wed, 14 Jan 2009 03:59:19 -0800, Robin Abrahams wrote: >>TIPSters-- >>I got a fascinating letter for my advice column, which I've posted on >>my blog along with some commentary. The url is here >>(http://tinyurl.com/7g8h7h ); I'll also post the text after this short >>message. >> >>The woman who wrote me has ADHD, depression, and anxiety. >>She knows she is "unlikable" and a challenge to work with. I advised >>her on the specific problem she presented (a manager who has it >>in for her, which can happen to anyone) but the larger >>philosophical/psychological issues are thought-provoking. What >>courtesies and accommodations do we (not as teachers, but as >>co-workers/managers) owe to people who are unable to develop >>normal social skills? If anyone would like to comment on my blog, >>comments from actual psychologists would, I think, be informative. > [snip] >>Does it matter that a person with attention deficit disorder can't help >> it? > > A few points: > > (1) Perhaps the first thing that should come to mind when thinking > about a "case" like this is that we need to keep track of three things: > (a) personological variables (i.e., aspects of the individual who has > the problem), (b) environmental variables (i.e., other people who > the individual has to interact with as well as situational variables and > processes that the individual is engaged in [i.e., doing certain tasks, > meeting certain deadlines, interacting with others in a particular manner, > etc.]), and (c) the interaction of personological variables with the > situation variables (i.e., how does one's response to situations > vary as a function of other variables, either personal [e.g., feeling > fatigued] or situational [e.g., time pressure and stress]). If one were > to plan an intervention, one would have to take into account all > three things as well as other factors. The question of whether > "one can't help it" seems to imply or emphasize an individual's > self-control but, from a purely behavioral perspective, what in > the environment is reinforcing certain types of behavior? A skilled > behavior analyst could probably analyze this case and perhaps > identify factors (most likely environmental) that could change behavior > that one claims "can't be helped". Or are we conceding that > things like ADHD, anxiety, and depression is not something we can > control or influence? And are capabilities for behavior change > so limited that one can't learn to develop social skills? Remember > our attributional biases when thinking about this type of situation. > > (2) Perhaps I am reading the post wrong but it seems to me that > the problem is not that the person is "unlikable" but that her environment > has changed from one that tolerated her behavior to one that didn't. > Changing managers was the source of her current problem. From this > view the solution may be (a) to replace the manager or (b) find a new > environment that will tolerate her behavior. For the former, if the > manager is in the Boston area, there may be some people in the South > Boston area who might be available to arrange the event. :-) > > (3) Concerning the point: > | So my question is this. What do people do if they are unlikable, > |if even 10 years of therapy and medication don't help? > > My first question is what sort of therapy has she been getting? Has > she been with the same therapist for 10 years or has she gone from > one therapist to another? Has she been to a behavior therapist or > a cognitive therapist or a cognitive-behavioral therapist? (An aside: > a person I knew once said to me that he had spent over a decade > in psychoanalysis and was still as miserable as when he started; > I asked why was he still in it, he responded that he had a far > better understanding of why he was miserable -- I suggested that > maybe he should consider trying NOT to be miserable even if he > didn't understand the reasons why). It seems to me that this person > needs to develop some self-control skills and social skills and I > would think that there are certain types of therapists that are expert > in building behaviors in these areas. However, it does require one > to choose to change and not exercise the "right to refuse" to change > (i.e., "this is who I am -- deal with it"). > > (4) I have known unlikable people, including Ph.D.s and M.D.s., > in the workplace. Some were able to find to find situations in which > their "idiosyncrasies" were tolerated, some didn't. If their > contributions > are considered "important enough" to allow the "powers that be" > to overlook their unlikable aspects, then their unlikability is only a > "local problem" (i.e., the people who have to work with them). It's > amazing what will be tolerated if an important need is being fulfilled. > However, an unlikable person who does not have much to offer is in > a different situation. Either one finds a situation in which they are > tolerated or they need to change in order to fit into some situation > (or some of both). > > -Mike Palij > New York University > [email protected] > > > > > > --- > To make changes to your subscription contact: > > Bill Southerly ([email protected]) > > --- To make changes to your subscription contact: Bill Southerly ([email protected])
