[TMIC] Depression.

[Grace]

Several weeks ago I asked my psyche doc if she could possibly up my antidepressants.  She told me that she couldn't due to the combination of meds that I'm currently on.  Guys, it's become overwhleming and I am fast becoming unable to cope with it.  Today was the scripting and outline day for my youngest daughter's weekly counseling sessions.  It is also an independent session for me.  They asked permission to videotape today, and there I was bawling like a blithering idiot.    Dammit, I hate it that I get so worn out that I have to sleep 16 hours a day.  I hate it that I can't do my own housework properly.  I hate it that my friggin legs are so out of kilter that even a loose sock can cause me to fall down.  I hate it that I pee and sometimes poop my pants.  I hate it that the occasional days of feeling halfways normal only exist because of the mountain of pills I have to take.  I just plain hate it.   Everyone on the outside thinks that I have it so together, that I'm coping soooooo well, but inside I'm as nutty as a fruitcake, a loon.  I should consider myself very lucky---after all, I am staggering about and the doctor's are amazed.  Yet, every day it is in the back of my mind that this is relapsing Devic's, and that a relapse is ineveitable, and I am overcome with fear and despair.  This last paralysis was a terrifying experience for me.  It hit me like lightening---literally overnight.    I have no real support network.  My ex husabnd is as helpful as he can be---transporting me to Pittsburgh whenever I need it---but whenever it comes to any sort of emotional support, there is none.  My oldest daughter tries as hard as she can to be helpful---dealing with my youngest, and just about standing on her head to distract me, but it is not working anymore.  And no, of course I don't let her know how bad this depression is.    Oh tell me what to do, how to get reid of these dark thoughts and feelings.  :-(   Grace