Hi Jeff, Thank you for your very heartfelt letter. It takes a special person to be able to share these struggles with us - to completely bare your soul. Bless you. My personal opinion, for what it's worth, is that I believe there are many TMers, MSers here who may at one time or another had these very feelings - deep depression, feelings of despair. It is not unusual, but also not easy to admit it. There is NO shame in depression. On the TMA Message Forums under Depression, there are many many stories about what people have gone through and how they made it through.
Jeff, you are an inspiration to all of us. It's wonderful that you have offered to be there for anyone of us who might need to talk. You're really a great guy! God Bless you Linda - Eagle,ID ----- Original Message ----- From: jeff bernier<mailto:[email protected]> To: [email protected]<mailto:[email protected]> ; [email protected]<mailto:[email protected]> Sent: Thursday, May 14, 2009 1:12 PM Subject: [TMIC] DEPRESSION,READ MY STORY.long winded THIS IS MEANT TO BE A LITTLE ADVICE FOR ANYONE ON THE LIST THAT IS OR HAS,SUFFERED FROM DEPRESSION AND REALLY AIMED AT THE NEWER DX MEMBERS HERE,MOST OF US THAT HAVE BEEN HERE AWHILE CAN ATTEST TO MY STORY AND WE ALL HAVE OUR OWN. IT WAS A BEAUTIFULL SUNNY SAT MORNING FEB 5 2000,I WAS A FIREFIGHTER/PARAMEDIC AT A STRUCTURE FIRE,I HAD MY CAREER GOING INTO FULL SWING AND WAS LOVING WHAT I WAS DOING,I FELT AS THOUGH I FOUND MY TRUE CALLING.AT 30 YEARS OLD WITH 12 YEARS ON THE JOB ALREADY,I HAD 4 BEAUTIFULL CHILDREN AND A WIFE THATS I LOVED DEARLY,EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE WAS WHERE I WANTED IT.THEN CAME THE FALL,I WAS ENTERING A BUILDING AND SLIPPED AND FELL ON ONE STEP WITH ABOUT 70 LBS OF GEAR ON AND WENT BACKWARDS LANDING HARD ON MY HEELS AND COLLAPSING IN THE SNOW AND HAVING EVERYTHING TURN WHITE FROM MY FACE BEING BURRIED IN THE SNOW. I FELT A SHOCKWAVE GO UP MY SPINAL CHORD AND IT SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME,BECAUSE I HAD HEARD OF THIS HAPPENING TO OTHER PEOPLE,WITH IN WEEKS I WAS IN A WHEELCHAIR AND DX WITH TRANSVERSE MYELITIS AND GETTING NO ANSWERS,IVE LEARNED THE FIRST YEAR IS TOTAL CONFUSION AND SPENT HOPING YOULL WALK AGAIN,THE SECOND YEAR IS THE WORST BECAUSE REALITY SETS IN AND YOU START TO REALISE THERES NO TURNING BACK AND YOU STRUGGLE TO ACCEPT WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU,THATS WHEN I FOUND THIS LIST AND REALISED THAT HEY! THERE IS OTHERS OUT THERE WITH SIMILAR CONDITIONS,I CREDIT THE MEMBERS OF THIS LIST AND MY CHILDREN FOR PREVENTING ME FROM TAKING MY LIFE AND I KNOW THERES MEMBERS ON HERE THAT HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT,ITS THE HUMAN RESPONSE WHEN YOUVE HIT ROCK BOTTOM.ITS NOT WORTH IT,THERES SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR AND LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. WELL HERE IS THE TWIST TO THIS STORY,I WAS DX WITH MS IN JUNE 2005 AND THIS BROUGHT A WHOLE NEW SET OF FEELINGS AND CONFUSION AND AGAIN I CAME BACK TO THIS LIST. LAST MOTHERSDAY MYSELF AND MY WIFE OF 16 YEARS SEPERATED AND MY HEART WAS CRUSHED,I NEVER HAD THE TIME TO DEAL WITH MY OWN HURT AND INTERNAL STRUGGLE BECAUSE I WAS DEALING WITH MY KIDS PAIN,THE HOUSE I WAS LIVING IN WAS PUT UP FOR SALE BY MY OWN FAMILY AND I WAS GIVEN 3 MONTHS TO FIND A PLACE TO LIVE 2 WEEKS AFTER THE SPLIT UP.IN OCTOBER IT FINALLY HIT ME FULL FORCE WHAT HAD HAPPENED AND I WENT BACK INTO A DEEP STATE OF DEPRESSION AND COULDNT FIND AWAY TO CLAW MYSELF OUT,I LOST 65 LBS AND MADE 13 TRIPS TO THE HOSPTIAL,BUT I BEAT IT AND THIS IS MY POINT.IF YOUR AT ROCK BOTTOM THERES ONLY ONE WAY TO GO AND THATS UP,I DUG MYSELF OUT TWICE WITH NO MEDICATION AND NO SHRINK,THERE IS SUNLIGHT AT THE TOP OF THE BARREL YOU JUST NEED TO FIND A WAY TO GET TO IT.YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO SO MANY PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE AND ITS ABOUT BEING TRUE YOURSELF AND THOSE THAT LOVE YOU. AS FOR ME IM OK AND GOING DAY BY DAY,IM STILL BEST FRIENDS WITH MY WIFE AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER,OUR KIDS ARE DOING GOOD AND COPING,I HAVE DAYS WHEN MEMORIES HIT,BUT IVE LEARNED METHODS TO COPE WITH IT.IF ANYONE ON THIS LIST NEEDS A VOICE OR SOMONE TO CHAT WITH.PLEASE CONTACT ME AT [email protected]<mailto:[email protected]> . DIPLOMACY DOES NOT WORK WHEN DEALING WITH NUT'S HELL BENT ON DESTROYING US.
