Hello Rhythmstockers, Crunchstockers and
Smashstockers,
Recently I sent a warning to the list telling
everybody to avoid a certain Andy Gleaves. Well, I'd
like to add a few names to the list.......Jury (well
you knew that already), Muscat, Madame Barso and Caz
Smash (cross the street immediately if you see this
one).
I am of course about to share with you the
worst and scariest of the mad filled dreams.
I really hope that Caz Smash does not take the
lyrics "In my dreams I have a plan" to heart because
if she is looking for any of this to come true, I for
one will not be turning up on the 14th of July for
fear of bumping into her.
Caz Smash No. 1.....Woody comes along with a
John Major mask on and sets light to Suggs' house.
Scared??? She has had this one three times!!
Caz Smash No. 2.....Mike comes to her house,
knocks on the door and then brings her to a gig on a
kids tricycle, but instead of playing a gig, all the
band were just smoking hash. Bedders kept having a go
at her for only buying one copy of "Drip Fed Fred".
(MR.C - So Bedders knew they released the song...now
now Mr. Carden, stop slagging off his part time
involvement!)
Caz Smash No. 3.....At the DFF video shoot,
Chas picks her up and starts swinging her around by
the legs. Disaster strikes when he falls over a
lighting thingy and smashes all the bulbs! So Adele
gets really angry and orders five of them to go to "Do
it all" and buy some new light bulbs. So off they go
walking from Camden to Wycombe (MR. C - You wouldn't
even cycle that distance Caz!!) and got there but
there were no light bulbs. So Carl started crying but
Caz wasn't very sympathetic and Suggs told Carl to
"Fuck off!". Suggs then dragged her down the paint
aisle and proceeded to paint her face like in the
"Grey Day" video.
Jury No. 1.....She dreams about turning up at
the school graduation with all her classmates dressed
up as Woody and Lee from the "It Must Be Love" video.
(MR.C - I thought they taught you about the birds and
bees at an earlier age!!)
Muscat No. 1.....Madness are touring Malta,
Italy and Sicily when on the night of the opening
concert, Suggs comes down with a bout of the flu and
Carl pushes Mr. Muscat up to be frontman. Suggs'
health improves and he comes on stage halfway through.
As the Muscat is doing so well, Suggs keeps him with
him ( MR. C - maybe it's because of Suggs' habit of
forgetting lyrics!). Included in the set is a weird
version of "Razor Blade Alley" with himself, Suggs,
Lee and Carl exchanging verses!!
Whereas in that dream Mr. Muscat was the 8th
member of Madness, Wee Stoo seems to think Anna
Kournikova is the eighth member. That can be the only
explanation for him e - mailing me with the details of
his little rendez-vous in an elevator with the Russian
pin up tennis star. I've already forwarded his e -
mail to FHM and the perv police!! Thanks Stoo, I
really need those kind of e - mails. You should get
"American Pie" on DVD....
Madame Barso No. 1.....This one starts off on
the Christmas tour with the venue being a small pub
(MR.C - ha!ha! so you're dreaming of Madness 10 years
down the line...) Mike sees her and gets her up on
stage. She spends the rest of the gig with him by the
keyboard (MR.C - Did you teach him how to play "Drip
Fed Fred" properly!!) It then moves on to the Royal
Bank Of Scotland in Camden. She's sitting with the
band having a drink but it's just her and Mike. She
tries to get up but Mike takes her hand to shake it
and won't let go. On her way out the band tease Mike
about her.
Well there you have it. "The maddest fans in all
the world, how could you do this to me?"
Till next time,
Vince Carden
Madness Unsugged.........We'll even pay you to
read it!
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