Someone sent me this today. Hope it's received in the good humour it was
intended.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United
States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of
the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states,
commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you
who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of
you noticed. To aid in the transition
to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
- You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
it. Generally, you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using
the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look
up "interspersed".
- There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on
your behalf.
- You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It
really isn't that hard.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the
good guys.
- You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not
want you to
get confused and give up half way through.
- You should stop playing American "football". There is only
one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football"
is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will
no longer be allowed to play it,
and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to
American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We
are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
by
2005.
- You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians
have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
"shit".
- July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
- All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
- Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you
for your cooperation.
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