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As I continue through the CCH4 I notice some rather rude and rough low-toned valences coming off at the beginning. Continuously there has been layers of unconsciousness and yawns until finally I hit a spot wherein I realized that the unconsciousness somehow served me and was somehow also a sensation to experience. Lots of computations revealed to myself.
In between the sessions I did start to notice more and more that I could be in present time better without that fog of unconsciousness that I am so used to experiencing. I still have a difficulty in spanning my attention units out into a wide sphere of my environment, and I still have a problem handling too much motion, but I do notice that it is improving. After hours of running to date, I finally got to the point where I decided that I could get control and just decide to be awake and aware instead of unconscious. It could be more a conscious decision now. In last night's session we ran into a "strong" valence and I was able to recognize it for what it is and let it run its course. At the end of the session I saw that it would be no problem and no concern for me to duplicate the auditor's motions "forever". In fact, "forever" seemed like nothing to me, so I guess boredom got flattened along with some other things too. Suspect more of the strong valence needs to be run out. It appears that running the CCH4 this way takes apart a long-time strung together what LRH called in "The Clearing Congress", the "synthetic personality". I never audited through the Grades or any serious TRs courses, etc. Just two years of R3x and so I really appreciate what I am experiencing now. The "capper" of course is completely running out the To Know games matrix. This morning I woke up at dawn very wide awake and I realized that all of my fears are imagined as I scanned the things that I could be afraid of, had been afraid of, and I wanted to somehow help others to see this as a fact too. This is complementary with my timebreaking sessions running out junior packages and lessening importances and compulsions and getting a bigger picture of life. The usual disclaimers: Running CCH4 this way may not produce the same results for others. best, colleen
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