The Remote Patrol for Valentine's Weekend
by Thomas Allen Heald, long enough to reach the ground
All times Eastern, for PBS programs, check local listings

TOM'S TOTALLY TWISTED TV TRIVIA THINGY
How did Delta Burke's character, Dianne Barrow wind up as owner of the 
California Bulls on the HBO sitcom "1st and Ten"?
A) She bought the franchise as a nouveau riche white trash lottery winner.
B) She divorced the team owner.

C) She inherited it as the owner's daughter.D) She won a contest at a 
local supermarket.
E) She won them in a poker game.

The right answer touches down on Monday.

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SATURDAY
9 p.m.
The nation's cinematic college professors didn't have a spectacular year 
in 2008. First "Smart People's" Dennis Quaid had to get over dating 
former student Sarah Jessica Parker (and being the father to a 
Republican Ellen Page). Now Connecticut College Economics Richard 
Jenkins guru has just found "THE VISITOR" (Starz) illegally subletting 
his Manhattan apartment. (While this could be considered one of  the 
years more blatant issue movies looking for Oscar gold, at least it's 
one of of the few not set in WWII.) While he could call the police, the 
milquetoast widower opts to let illegal immigrants Tarek and Zainab stay 
at his pad rather than freaking out ala (Lou Dobbs.) The film has a bit 
of an NPR liberal hipness by proxy sensibility with Jenkins falling in 
love with someone else's life, as though sticking around and listening 
to "The World" after "Marketplace" gets  over. It's not a Hollywood 
happy ending, though it does have a VH1 Save the Elementary Schools 
Music "life affirming" "power of music" vibe to it. I just wish it 
wouldn't seem as though I was damning it with faint praise to call 
Jenkins performance an "old fashioned" role.

STUPID CUPID TELE-GEBRA
"It's a Wonderful Life" + "My Best Friend's Wedding" = "BEFORE YOU SAY I 
DO" (Hallmark).

"THE REAL ABRAHAM LINCOLN" (National Geographic) determines which of the 
other Abraham Lincoln's were Spartacus.

A zombie parasite traps a terrified trio at a gas station on "SPLINTER" 
(Sci Fi). The real scare? The prices of gas while they were filming.

10 p.m.
HERE HE SITS BROKEN HEARTED
"CHRISTOPHER TITUS: LOVE IS EVOL" (Comedy Central) hopes you avoid 
getting V.D. on V-Day.

VIVA VARIETY
* Sarah McLachlan and Duffy offer strum und twang at the "AUSTIN CITY 
LIMITS" (PBS).
* Seth MacFarlane and Andy Richter chat on "TALKSHOW WITH SPIKE 
FERESTEN" (Fox).
* Alec Baldwin and the Jonas Brothers rock and/or roll on "SATURDAY 
NIGHT LIVE" (NBC).

SUNDAY
8 p.m.
"WHY WE LOVE CATS AND DOGS" (PBS) has a potential audience of 163 
million. Hopefully none of them are ticked off.

TVorNotTV list obsession "THE AMAZING RACE" (CBS) is back with a gay 
father and son, stuntman siblings, legal eagles, ex- NFL cheerleaders 
and the show's first deaf contestant. If anyone has an unfair advantage. 
probably the team of flight attendants. And, not that this will have 
viewers kvetching any less, the producers are promising less footage of 
the groups bunched up at the ticket counter.

"THE SIMPSONS" (Fox) goes HD with flashback episode #973 as Homer 
ponders what woulda happened had he'd won the class presidency in high 
school.

Learn how a real life Luke Skywalker might get from one end of the 
"KNOWN UNIVERSE" (National Geographic) to the other via orbit or wormhole.

The 800 pound "WORLD'S HEAVIEST MAN GETS MARRIED" (TLC). And when he 
sits around the wedding chapel, the comic strip Garfield gets a residual.

9 p.m.
"OLIVER TWIST" (PBS) attempts to move the dodgers from Brooklyn to Los 
Angeles.

"XIII" (NBC) concludes with the Mongoose on the hunt in assassination 
nation.

"CONNECTED: THE REAL MATRIX" (Science) looks into the universe's Rolodex.

Jemaine goes outback tonight on "FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS" (HBO), dating 
an Aussie bird.

When Mom's gone mental, the mice will play as the kids decide they might 
as well party hardy in "THE UNITED STATES OF TARA" (Showtime).

10:30
TELE-GEBRA
"Ed" + "1st and Ten" = the Will Ferrell executive produced "EASTBOUND 
AND DOWN" (HBO).
---

QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS
"Lewis Vendredi made a deal with the devil to sell cursed antiques. But 
he broke the pact, and it cost him his soul. Now, his niece Micki, and 
her cousin Ryan have inherited the store... and with it, the curse. Now 
they must get everything back and the real terror begins." Name the 
show. "Friday the 13th: The Series."

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   But the conversation has just begun, add your own suggestions or 
discuss mine on the "TV or Not TV" Google list or at tvornottv.net. "The 
Remote Patrol" is copyright© 2008 Thomas Allen Heald and Gigantic Rear 
Projection, Ltd.


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