The Remote Patrol for March 9, 2009 by Thomas Allen Heald, the Human Stain ---
8 p.m. SWEEPSPLOITATION! Summer Glau guests on "THE BIG BANG THEORY" (CBS) on a train to San Francisco. Naturally, the boys only have tunnel vision. There is actually a reason to watch 27 seconds of "DANCING WITH THE STARS" (ABC). And that would be to find out which almost celebrities are dumb enough to replace Jewel and Nancy O'Dell. "HOUSE" (Fox) has a patient who can only tell the truth: He doesn't get the deal with Tyler Perry's "Madea" movies either. TELE-GEBRA HBO's "Oz" - Rita Moreno and = "HARD TIME" (National Geographic). 9 p.m. Jack Bauer shoots people on "24:DAY 7: 8:00 PM-9:00 PM" (Fox). Unless he doesn't. He might be dead again. Or not. In any case, we won't see him go to the bathroom since he never eats or drinks anything. Sylar "HEROES" (NBC) learns that his father is being played by John Glover, thus becoming officially more Lex Luthor than Magneto. Seriously, is Bryan Fuller back writing? TELE-GEBRA "C.S.I" + "Indiana Jones" = "UNEARTHING ANCIENT SECRETS" (Science) as a criminal profiler proves that Cleopatra was not killed by a snake, but a 2 a.m. argument over her pregnancy with rapper Chris Brown. "BATTLES B.C." (History) recreates via computer, what it looked like when Hannibal crossed the Clarice Starling mountains by elephant. "KYLE XY" (ABC Family) has dinner with Cassidy. Oh right. That's why I don't list it every week. "THE ART OF SPAIN" (Ovation) finds out what's holy in Toledo. 10 p.m. TELE-GEBRA "Moonlighting" ÷ "Bones" + Stephen King x "Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog" + "Murder, She Wrote" = "CASTLE" (ABC) as a mystery novelist is asked to consult when a killer seems to be using his books for ideas. Wacky mayhem ensues. You know what'd be kinda nice on ABC instead of yet another "Moonlighting"? A remake of "Hart to Hart." Maybe Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner .... or even Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck. "MEDIUM" (NBC) prepares for the rapture thanks to a nightmare followed by an earthquake. "ANTHONY BOURDIAN: NO RESERVATIONS" (Travel) moves to Vietnam for a year ... for fun. Doesn't everyone? TALK TALK * Dave lands Russell Brand in the hand with Jack Hanna and animals from the bush. * Jay humors Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Demetri Martin, and Rocco De Luca & The Burden. * Craig reveals how he met Jason Segel and Dave Attell. * Jimmy Fallon is damaged by Amanda Peet, Rose Byrne, and Joshua Topolsky. * Carson talks without moving Daniel Suarez, Jeff Dunham, and Razorlight. QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS Which actor played Andy Richter on the sitcom "Andy Richter Controls the Universe"? It was Andy Richter. --- But the conversation has just begun, add your own suggestions or discuss mine on the "TV or Not TV" Google list or at tvornottv.net. "The Remote Patrol" is copyright© 2008 Thomas Allen Heald and Gigantic Rear Projection, Ltd. Tuesday brings the correct answer, and more boxes of wine. --- Our top story tonight: America Held Hostage Day Three: Jimmy Fallon Almost Makes Us With They'd Given Mike Meyers A Talk Show Instead. 8 p.m. 34 "Wacky Chicks" (to use Simon Doonan's term) compete to become "AMERICA'S TWELFTH PRETEND TOP MODEL WHO WILL GET A YEAR SELLING COVER GIRL MAKEUP EVEN THOUGH ELLEN DEGENERES IS THE CAMPAIGN'S ACTUAL TOP MODEL AND THEN ATTEMPT TO GET HER OWN REALITY SHOW EVEN IF SHE HAS TO MARRY SOMEONE FROM THE BRADY BUNCH TO REMAIN FAMOUS" (CW). The final three in the top 9, to be made the top 12 tomorrow are announced on "AMERICA'S NEXT TOP IDOL RESULTS SHOW WILL GIVE YOU THE RESULTS AFTER THE BREAK UNLESS IT DOESN'T" (Fox). R.I.P. "KNIGHT RIDER '08" (NBC). Don't let the garage door hit ya where the welder's split ya. 9 p.m. "LIE TO ME" (Fox) deals with cop killers and black firefighters in National Black Hist... oh wait, it's over. Sawyer and others lie to us on "LOST" (ABC), in which Locke is now a cop in 1973. The judges return for the "TOP CHEF NEW YORK: WATCH WHAT HAPPENS REUNION" (Bravo), in which they likely attempt to create another T-Shirt to sell, since Team Rainbow's garment was so successful. "THE TONY ROCK PROJECT" (MyNetwork TV) is back, to let you know, he can really shake 'em down. 9:30 p.m. Alice escapes "WONDERLAND" (DirecTV) in the final episode of the asylum drama. And go figure, it involves giving a death row murderer a dose of truth serum. 10 p.m. More bimbos and himbos compete on "MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL 2(xist)" (Bravo, even more homosexually targeted than the Logo channel). 10 p.m. TELE-GEBRA "The Fugitive" + "Survivor" = "MANTRACKER" (Science). This might be more fun to watch if it was Liz Taylor and/or Zsa Zsa Gabor in Dog the Bounty Hunter mode tracking down two dudes who obviously have more money than they need to be part of some crappy reality show. "MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON" (Discovery) continues the effort to make the Capt. Chesley (Sully) Sullenberger and his crew's landing of US Airways Flight 1549 an annually remembered event more interesting than 9/11. Patty of "DAMAGES" (FX) might be interested in a 2000 song of Janis Ian's called "God & The F.B.I." "SUPERHUMAN" (History) is one of the channel's semiannual attempts to repackage "Ripley's Believe It ...or Not" tales to attract comic book fans to the channel. Oh hey, is there a movie called "Watchmen" coming soon to a theater near me? 11 p.m. "THE CHASERS' WAR ON EVERYTHING" (G4) brings the merry pranksters with in spitting distance of President George G. Bush. And yes, they are very much dressed as Osama bin Laden. BLUE CARDS FOR READ STATES * Dave can't live with or without Dr. Phil, and Commander U2. * It's hell for Jay to be forgetting Russell Brand, Gordon Ramsay, and Neko Case * Craig is at one with Archbishop Desmond Tutu * Cameron Diaz, Billy Crudup, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah pity the fool on NBC in Studio 8B. * Carson goes out walkin' after midnight with Little Boots. * Jimmy hammers things home with Bonnie Hunt and Nathan Fillion QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS Jimmy Fallon's first "major" TV appearance was in a bit part on which series? He was selling photos on "Spin City." --- But the conversation has just begun, add your own suggestions or discuss mine on the "TV or Not TV" Google list or at tvornottv.net. "The Remote Patrol" is copyright© 2008 Thomas Allen Heald and Gigantic Rear Projection, Ltd. --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ TV or Not TV .... Smart (TV) People on Ice! You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "TV or Not TV" group. 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