Finding myself with free time, I plowed through my video archives and located an interview Lance did on a little show called "The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien" back in December of 2009 (you might have heard of it). This was the year Lance rode for Kazakhstan's Team Astana and had his "come back." He'd published a sort-of coffee table book on the experience; I say "sort-of" because Conan was quick to turn to a photo in the book of Armstrong with his pants down, taking a drug test in a bathroom full of people, and that isn't an image one typically finds on a coffee table. In the interview, he claimed he'd received 52 such drug tests that year alone.
Assuming the leaked reports about the Oprah interview are correct and he confesses (which is by no means a given at this juncture), I don't give a sh*t about the apology, but not for the reasons gone over previously. If he confesses, the entire interview needs to be like the end of a Columbo episode, where Lance walks us through exactly how it all took place... repeatedly... by scores of cyclists... in at least three different decades. I expect no less than Armstrong in an old trenchcoat, holding a chewed up cigar, and with one working eye, taking viewers step by step through what happened; if he doesn't, Oprah is an empty shirt. OK, it'll never happen, but that would be cool to watch, wouldn't it? What I suspect is more likely, if some sort of confession occurs, it will be a half-confession; Armstrong will claim ignorance over much of what took place. He will speak of what took place "hurting my fans" when, in fact, what took place generated fans in record numbers for cycling. He'll probably add that it hurt the sport, when it did nothing of the kind. Last but not least, expect an occurrence or two of Lance saying, "My lawyers have instructed me not to answer that question," though the actual wording will be much softer, making it easier for an Oprah viewer to swallow it. He might even state that he is working on a book outlining exactly what happened, referring Oprah and viewers to read the book, thus allowing him to skirt a direct answer to certain questions. What I really want, if some sort of confession occurs, is for Lance to essentially present the same case that I present to my friends. I want him to show graphic relief maps and cutaways of the Alps he and all the other doped up cyclists had to ascend and descend on a bike. I then want him to challenge any human being alive to take the same chemicals that all the cyclists took (or not, his/her choice), then retrace the route of all seven Tour de France races that he won in succession. He should call for the strongest, most agile human beings on the planet to step forward. If someone who steps forward bests his scores, then he should give back his medals and trophies and -- somehow -- he should give back the sex he had with Sheryl Crow (we'd need some scientists to work out how to achieve that). But I guarantee he wouldn't have to give back a thing under those circumstances, not because he really is the best or the strongest, but because the sport of cycling itself has evolved to the point where performance enhancing drugs are as normal to the athletes as Pop-Tarts are to me. It is factored into all the other elements, from the weight of the bike to the shape of a helmet. It is that combination of all the elements that led to the winners and losers. The drugs didn't do it; not on their own. The athletes who participated were pushed farther and faster than anyone in the world, and -- for better or worse -- the audience for cycling is larger than ever before, and it owes a great debt to Lance Armstrong that it can never repay. And I want him to say all of that, then close by saying, "I'm Lance Armstrong, and I won seven Tour de Frances in a row, and I beat cancer, and I f*cked Sheryl Crow, and I only have one nut. Drugs or no drugs, one nut or two, you ain't gonna do what I did." The Columbo impersonation is more likely, I know. -- Kevin M. (RPCV) -- TV or Not TV .... The Smartest (TV) People! You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "TV or Not TV" group. To post to this group, send email to [email protected] To unsubscribe from this group, send email to [email protected] For more options, visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/tvornottv?hl=en
