The delicate art of choosing a bestmaid
A maid of honour is one of the most important people in a wedding party. There is lots of lobbying as one's wedding approaches with all girlfriends and female relatives competing for that coveted position. OMWA OMBARA writes.
The composition of a wedding party is something that many guests don't think much about as long as there is a wedding. But women who have had a wedding know that choosing a best-maid is one of the most difficult things a bride must do. To choose or not to choose a sister, a child-hood friend, a family friend or an office pal... the list is endless. More often than not, the bride agonises for months over who she should pick.
Making the announcement can draw anger and resentment, so most brides keep it a secret until the last minute. In fact by wedding day, most of the bride's friends, relatives and sisters who had assumed they were her closest friends will usually not be on speaking terms with her. Realising that they are not on the bride's top list, they may even gang up against her and sabotage the wedding.
This is when relatives and friends who have been useful to you during funerals and other difficult times wait to see if you will leave them out of the bridal line up.
Some friends canvass and connive, blackmail and even throw tantrums when they are not made best-maid. Others take the malicious approach and tell the bridegroom of your past affairs - real or imaginary - or even create stories about a previous marriage or previous children.
This calls for the bride to delicately balance between sensitivity and discretion, at times allowing as many as two dozen bridesmaids, when her original budget catered for only two.
The bride may then be forced to pick people who do not really look as nice as she wants, whose bodies are too massive for the line-up or even less well-to-do relatives who may feel ignored because of their financial handicap, or the loud, aggressive, bossy and gossipy types.
With the budget over-stretched, one may then go for the cheapest, affordable material and shoes. It really does not matter, as long as everyone is happy.
Things can go wrong with the wedding dress; the bridesmaids may fail to march to the rhythm of the music. The six-tier cake can fall down and crash before it is cut, but years later one can make fun and laugh about it.
But making up with friends and relatives who feel scorned, betrayed and undermined is almost impossible. It may often make the bride lifetime enemies with former friends.
"There are so many issues to consider," says Rosemary Ngugi who has been a best-maid herself.
What is most important to Rosemary is that the friendship be genuine. "It must be somebody credible, someone you can trust with your husband, with your secrets, with your life. Someone who is not jealous or envious of you. Someone who will help you develop, not destroy you."
Rosemary has heard stories of best-maids who eloped with the bridegroom the night before the wedding. "This means that the bride did not choose her friend well. She did not know her at all."
Rosemary chose a Christian married couple as best-maid and groom for future spiritual upbringing. It was indeed a difficult choice, as friends and relatives had been so supportive in the past. She hoped they would not blame her - that they would understand. She loved them dearly, but could only pick one.
Apart from being a cousin to her husband Kenneth, the man and his wife were close friends. When Kenneth first introduced her to the couple long before they were married, they were very warm, welcoming and positive. In them she found genuine friends. After praying over it, the spirit led her to the couple.
Rosemary chose her best-maid, not for the particular day but with the future in mind. "I can trust her with my husband any day."
Like any typical bride, Rosemary experienced resentment from close friends and relatives, especially the single women who expected to be 'the one'. But she has no regrets.
"I prefer married couples to single ladies. Single women sometimes don't have much attachment to their roles as best-maid. And somewhere along the way, as they continue to socialise, their interests and friends change. At some point, you fall out and part ways."
Rosemary admits that she had to be sensitive. She therefore chose a cousin from each household, ending up with a line-up of 10 bridesmaids.
The two friends continue seeing and supporting each other. She is also able to visit her best-maid any time she wants without an appointment.
When Peter Kimani proposed to Jane Rose Kanini, she immediately rang her best friend June Nduta and asked her to be her best-maid. Nduta came over and after the two toasted the proposal, they chose the wedding theme, colour and dress.
But as the wedding day drew nearer, Kanini noticed that Nduta was hardly attending the meeting or returning her calls.
When she told Kimani about it three days to the wedding, he reluctantly revealed that he had had an affair with Nduta before he even met Kanini, "but nothing happened."
Although Kanini and Nduta had been friends for seven years, she had at no time indicated that she knew Kimani. In retrospect, when she first introduced them two years ago, they acted as if they did not know each other.
Nduta apparently still had feelings for Kimani and could not trust herself to attend the wedding.
"I went for my elder sister as my best-maid, and I have never regretted the decision. I trust her. She has been there for me. I severed links with Nduta."
Janet Murugi, a Human Resources secretary, says one must choose a genuine friend with whom one can share not only problems, but also deep secrets. "It must be someone you trust and have confidence in."
And that's exactly what she went for when she made her choice.
Janet met her best-maid, Gladys Gitonga, through her boyfriend Jonathan Muketha. Jonathan and Gladys' husband Gregory Gitonga were colleagues. They were both single then and their friendship blossomed with time, even before the two got married.
On picking a best-maid, the couple settled for another couple. "We each wrote on a separate piece of paper the person we preferred. By coincidence, we ended up with the same couple."
Of course, there may have been couples who felt upset because they thought they were also close, said Janet. But it is the wearer of the shoe who knows where it pinches. This particular couple had passed the test of time for the ten years they had socialised.
"Although we had confided in them some of our darkest secrets even before the wedding, we never heard any of it repeated elsewhere. Again, what I liked about Gladys was that I could trust her with my husband, anywhere, any day." Explains Janet.
She is against the idea of choosing a family member, especially a sister or close relative.
Janet believes that there are certain problems one cannot tell a relative because they may leak back to the family. "Your family is supposed to respect your husband.
"The man is the King of his castle, and you must protect him and cover his weaknesses. You cannot tell your family things that would make them despise him. Definitely the decision made by your family will often be biased."
Akodhe Momanyi, who got married forty years ago and has been a best-maid to more than ten of her friends, says the role of the best-maid has not changed yet.
This friend was supposed to accompany you to the in-laws and eavesdrop so you could know whether you were welcome to your new home or not. Such a person was treated with lots of favour and respect by the in-laws because her word was law. She could build or break the marriage.
Even in the past, the women would chose a close trusted friend to be their maid of honour. This was someone you could confide in, but most important of all trust with your husband. Things at time did happen and you could find that your best-maid and confidant had become your co-wife. But this was the exception rather than the rule.
Akodhe chose friend and colleague Monica David from Murang'a, who supervised her dress and ensured that nobody stole her gifts.
Akodhe and Monica are now in their old age but they remain close friends and visit each other whenever they can. They also find time in their busy schedules to exchange notes on marriage.
Akodhe advises young women to choose best-maids they trust without any doubt, but especially from within the family circles. She believes in friends where there are no family alternatives. "Blood is thicker than water and in most cases, a sister or a cousin is the best friend a woman can have." And as the wedding season approaches its peak, perhaps this is the right time to take stock of one's best friends and which one qualifies to play the all-important role of bestmaid.
