You've got the looks, brains and a good career so why can't you find a suitable man? CATHERINE AWUOR suggests it may be time to share the available ones.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. I've received a number of emails from very eligible young women, who cannot understand why with their good looks, brains, wit etc, they cannot find a suitable good man. A number of them figure that it's because men are intimidated by their success.
That may have been true sometime back, but with these tough economic times, who wouldn't want someone to share the bills with? I doubt there are many men out there who still want a housewife to keep the house clean while they go looking for money.
Many successful women are happily dating, engaged or
married. Which means success has been used as a scapegoat for too long, the simple reason why too many women are still single is that the male to female ratio is too small and growing even smaller. No matter how hard women try, short of cloning some men, killing some women or importing men from elsewhere, this ratio cannot be corrected. In future, if can we figure out how to
influence the sex of a child before conception, this
may solve the problem but that won't help the hundreds of single women who are in this dilemma now. We can't very well tell them that they are unfortunate victims of circumstances, that they were a little late in hooking up with the few available men and to just be content with the success they've achieved in other areas of their lives.
There is only one obvious and very feasible solution to this problem - sharing. If there's a shortage of land, it doesn't make sense for one person to have hectares upon hectares while others are homeless.
Obviously, sharing a man could bring a lot of problems, but what brilliant plan doesn't have its drawbacks? In order to avoid unnecessary complications like women burning each other with paraffin or stopping weddings, a few ground rules listed below will be needed to govern the behaviour of the parties involved:
1) The woman who had him first must not find out that
her man is being shared. Even though the ideal situation would be where the three of you could sit and draw up a proper timetable. I have him on my birthday, Christmas and every alternate weekend; you have him on your birthday, Valentine's Day and every alternate weekend. However, as happens in many situations, many women in relationships can't quite recall how it was when they were single so they won't be too quick to share, so unfortunately it will have to remain clandestine.
2) Married men are not to be shared so stay away from them. The ratio we are trying to sort out here is exclusively of people who are single. Seeing that no one officiates over an engagement or a dating couple to declare that "what God has put together no man should put asunder" you won't be breaking any laws by sharing one of these. At all times make sure your conscience is clear.
3) The woman who comes in to share does so fully aware
that at any point, the situation may change such that
rule two has to be applied i.e the couple may get married. If and when this happens, she has to gracefully leave, without causing a scene, trying to stop the wedding or breaking rule one.
4) One shall not try in any way, for example through
getting pregnant, blackmail or threatening suicide to
influence the break-up of the original relationship.
Like a child who has been allowed a chance to ride a
bicycle by another, when time comes to return the
bicycle, do so with little drama.
5) As far as possible, keep your emotions under control. If you are the type who falls in love with every man who smiles at you, don't enter into these arrangements. A great deal of emotional detachment is needed, should you have to walk away.
6) A memorandum of understanding, detailing issues
ranging from obligations towards each other during and after the relationship, to who should know about the relationship should be mutually agreed upon. As far as possible, avoid having a situation where you, the 'intruder' will have to go to court to sue for being misled into thinking marriage would follow.
7) Should a vacancy appear elsewhere, where an otherwise not so single man becomes single, put in your application. There is no need to stay in a job without advancement possibilities and poor benefits when a better position opens up. Keep your options open.
8) Learn gratitude, make 'half a loaf is better than
none', 'a bird in hand is worth two in the bush' your
mantra. Granted, there will be times when you will wonder if what you have is worth it, but until you see an announcement in the papers that the ratio has been
reversed, count your blessings.
9) Be selective; if you are going to get into a bad
job, at least let it be the best of the bad jobs. If
you have to share, share the best. Don't waste your
time with a too short, too broke, too lucky he even
got a girlfriend kind of man. Make the most of a bad
situation.
10)Make sure you have a good support network of
friends, a lot of tissue and somewhere to go to
recover because chances are you, 'the clandestine sharer' will get terribly hurt. Ever seen a child who got so used to playing with her sister's toys to the point where she thought they were hers? The trauma when she has to let go of them is painful to witness. Make sure you know where you'll turn when time comes to say goodbye. Before you rush to remind me that we are fighting
Aids, I'm not helping the situation etc, note that I
have not said what people should be doing in these
times of sharing. What is being sought here is
companionship, a date to those numerous functions you
have to attend and someone to help you ward off
questions at weddings. I think it's written in a very
trusted book that there will come a time when there
will be two or even more women per man, when sharing
will be common. Maybe that time has come, who are we
to fight fate?
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