By Jasmine Mbabazi
Oct 31 - Nov 6, 2003
| Let us face it - We all get dumped. And for the most part, it is a pretty painful experience. But we all choose to deal with it differently.
Some people 'swallow,' which involves playing endless love songs (a sickening predominance of Celine Dion); others cry over his photos and eat alarming amounts of chocolate.
Ladies! Ladies! This doesn't work! The only thing you will get out of it is extra kilos and a headache. Now my advice is this: Don't get mad or weepy. Just get even. He hurt you really bad? Well, the only way for you to feel better is to hurt him as much as, if not more than, he hurt you. And if his misery can constitute your happiness, then read on for guaranteed tips of sweet revenge. They may not be particularly rational or adult and some are downright insane but don't mind, the end justifies the means. And hey, you are not expected to be in a sane state of mind when you have just been used and dumped in a bin. The first bullet is dating his best friend. If there is anything worse than letting a guy know that life for you goes on and you are not going to beg him to come back to you, it is dating his best friend, or brother, dad, 17-year old nephew - whoever. Or better still, date his biggest enemy and make it seem like you are having a better time than you ever did with him. Your gusto is sure to irritate him. Buy goat entrails, which can be found in any market, as well as any of those witchcraft-looking items, you know, chicken heads, cowry-shells, - whatever. Sprinkle any powder or seeds you may find over it to make it look authentic, and place it in front of his house. Trust me, he will flip out. Warn other possibly interested females off. Tell them he is a really selfish lover, or a sadomasochist (gets his sexual pleasure from hurting people), or he is awfully tiny, or has smelly feet and is becoming prematurely impotent. After these little confessions from ex-girlfriend, no one will want to touch him with a 20-foot pole. Remember, you are supposed to act like you really did care about him, and you tried oh-so-hard to make it work, but it just couldn't (sniff!). If he has a car, puncture his tyres. One of the Amarula family's (ex) girlfriend did that - and got away with it. You go, girl! For full effect, wait until he is out on a date. He will begin to have an idea of what it means to be miserable. Send an abusive letter from his e-mail to his boss claiming that he is a better lover than his boss is and, what's more, the boss's wife thinks so too. No, no! Don't mutter. You want to bring the man down, don't you? You probably think this is going overboard, but if you have been together for a couple of years then has probably spoilt you for other men, and your biological clock began ticking a year or so ago, and you'll probably not find another man. Are you with me so far? Do you still have a key to his house? Wait until he's gone off to work, then get in there and have some fun. You'd be amazed by how much you can get accomplished with just a pair of scissors. At the end of the day if he still has a pair of undies to his name, consider yourself a failure. |
� 2003 The Monitor Publications
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