By Geofrey Walakira
Oct 31 - Nov 6, 2003
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Patrick dated Paula for two years before they settled down as man and wife in a customary marriage arrangement. A year later, Patrick landed on his wife's antenatal forms, which indicated that that pregnancy was going to be the fourth.
He confronted her and found out that she had had two children and an abortion from an earlier relationship. She did not tell him for fear of wrecking their marriage plans. But Patrick's problem is not unique. Many women conceal information about their children during courtship. Mama Carol introduces herself by her real name and postpones that fact to a time when she feels the relationship with the new guy is strong enough to resist the winds of introducing the child. Most women think that men will run away once they know that the woman they want already has children. "I think I would also pull out," says Mr Boniface Orombi, a teacher at one of the schools in Kampala. "Dating a woman with a child is tricky. First of all, you cannot be sure whether she loves you or if she is shopping for financial assistance for the upkeep of her child," he said. "When love has started, a woman with dependants becomes more expensive than a free one," said Mr Luke Kalungi of Makerere University. Others consider such women old and used regardless of age and history. But for these women, often victims of circumstances, life must continue. Many need a new beginning and when men shoot without missing, they decide to fly without perching. Ms Ester Nambi, a student at Makerere University, says that it hurts when a man calls you "second hand" just because you had a child before you met him. Even when a guy ignores it and marries you, there is a time when he may get annoyed and chip in something about the children he found you with. "The man will never give you all the respect you deserve. He may keep referring to the first man who left you, either to prove that he is doing you a favour to stay or to allege that you still meet the man secretly." Mr Richard Ssempijja of St. Balikudembe market thinks the problem is two way. "The woman may actually still be seeing the father of her children. Secondly, when they love their earlier children very much, they give an impression that they still love and miss the fathers of those children. It may not be true but, as a man looking after someone else's children, it hurts". When marriage comes into consideration, family pressures arise. Most parents do not want their sons to marry wives who already have children by other men. Mr Kuteesa Kulumba, a businessman in Wandegeya says he would not accept such a wife for his son. "A second hand cloth may be good, but the problems the first owner discovered in the cloth are not known. And my son cannot rely on the woman's stories." Mr. Denis Okema, a driver on Kawempe stage, says that it is a painful decision to look after children who are not yours. In the end, problems of inheritance and succession arise later when you die. However Ms Rytter Muzira, a marriage counselor at Nakauka, Wakiso, disagrees with women who fear to tell men the truth. "The factor that drives courtship should be love and truth. "If a woman prefers to build a relationship based on lies, she should know that it is hollow and prepare for the pitfalls. "If you think men fear women with children, and he marries you nevertheless, you will have proved his great love. "If you let him discover too late, you may not like the consequences of living a tortured married life on the rocks. "You would rather remain single and look after your child(ren)". |
� 2003 The Monitor Publications
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