OYUNGA PALA looks back at the year that was and picks what, to him, were the highlights
Man Talk enters its fifth year and despite all the death threats, we have survived. It's been a great past year, hope you truly enjoyed my warped and twisted insights. Thank you for sticking by me against your wife's better judgement and for defending my cause at no cost. You make column. You deserve the credit. The criticism has gone a long way in making me truly infamous and because of you, anyone sharing my last name will forever be hunted. Just kidding.
The New Year celebration hangover curtailed and impaired creativity so allow me to run you through what I thought were some of the best thoughts of 2003. My highlight for the year was completing a marathon and if the race organisers had accorded me a pace-setter, I would have crossed the finish line earlier. Enjoy the reading.
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Please be under no illusion. You are going to die and probably never live to see the tarmacking of roads in Eastleigh. If the AIDS virus doesn't catch up with you, SARs will or one of those ruthless carjackers, or maybe some miraa intoxicated bus driver. Perhaps you will get tired of waiting and "Just do It" by drinking too much, eating all wrong or smoking your lungs to crisp. Alternatively, nature and bad luck will nail you. The elements, like rain and cold weather are the usual suspects. Not forgetting bugs with strange names like 'Anopheles' creeping up on you when you are asleep, evading the most advanced security systems.
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A sixty-year-old running a marathon is living. A thirty-year-old waiting for the NARC government to come through on its election pledges is dead. Start living now.
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Some brilliant women, upon landing from Venus, decided they weren't going to bear the responsibility of making the earth a conducive environment to live in. The task was given to a bunch of bimbos known as men for we had just enough intelligence to take orders telepathically. It is because of women, that science and technology has developed this far. Try and explain how the chap who invented the weave ever stumbled on that idea. His wife was balding.
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My introduction to sexuality was based on exaggerated bodily proportions. I was socialised to be on the look out for the wider hips, voluptuous breasts and bigger bottoms. That's fashion's contribution to the world.
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If you are short, remain confrontational and an irritant and you will never be forgotten. Only the tall man at the top can afford to relax.
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In my opinion, warped as it might appear, prostitution hasn't been given its due recognition. Spare me the moral righteousness and just drink the wine. Those legions of faceless women, we so easily despise are the only reason some marriages have a chance today.
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Why is it that every Kenyan house is furnished in the exact same manner. Two sets of sofas, coffee table in the middle, carpet, wall unit with a centre stage TV and a six-chair dinning table and finally for effects, a very big fridge filled up with bottled water.
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Mistresses are here to stay. Women are simply fighting for limited resources and some poor guy is caught in between holding a fat check book. Nature always has its way, survival of the fittest. Darwin saw it coming.
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No man ever marries the woman he truly loves because you had no idea she was the one until she became your ex. If there is one piece of advice I would give any single woman today, it is, "Don't ever marry the man you love. Marry the man you trust."
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A woman at 30 discovers that she will never be young again. She gets into the constant habit of describing what a figure she used to have or how men wouldn't stop drooling at the sight of her legs. Fortunately, nobody believes her. You suddenly realise that while women hit their peak in the mid-thirties to forty, men are sadly on the decline.
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The key word in this business is miracles galore. Promise fast, painless cures for people with terminal illnesses, using your bare hands and of course the power of the divine working through you. It doesn't matter what you were doing before, just add in the usual spice to your autobiography, the bright light, the trip to heaven, having tea and mandazi's with Christ, the horrifying sight of the devil stoking fires in hell and the message you brought back.
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There is an almost invisible line between friends and lovers, between friendship and romantic love and usually when we cross the line, it becomes impossible to go back to the original state. How do you turn a friend into a lover without repercussions?
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Why do some Kenyans attempt to throw house parties when they cannot afford to host. Not since Christ fed 5000 plus people with a few loaves and a couple of fish, have I seen anyone try to get away with feeding about 20 people on half a kilo of roast meat.
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I was once nearly dispatched to my maker for suggesting that it was okay for man to divorce his wife on the grounds that she had grown 'fat and ugly'. They had to call in security and God bless the architect for devising the back exit.
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Super modelling has never been about an all rounded character for if that were the case, we would see more short and plump women on the catwalk. Men created beauty standards and we prefer our beauties to speak less. It saves us all a lot of trouble. Can you imagine if we insisted that our bodybuilders said something intelligent during those muscle events?
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We have to address the genuine compromises of married life. If you do not trust your man to stick by you through thick (I am talking about the waistline) put it down in ink. That you shall not flirt or have an affair with a woman who may be slimmer or in anyway better looking than your wife.
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Ask any man described as a workaholic what true love is. You will never get that incomprehensible gibberish they run on Valentine cards. They will tell you without batting an eyelid that, "To ensure that my wife and children are well provided for". When a man stays at work late to ensure that there is always ice-cream for dessert at home, that's true love.
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This column does not create values. It is merely a picture of all that is out there, the good, the bad and mostly the ugly. It is my job to present the picture and yours to determine which values you will apply. Remember, if we permit only those views that the majority of us hold then, to quote Jerry pringer, "You and I are only free for as long as we agree with the majority".
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