Men, we are not stupid by nature! Get it?
Words of wisdomAfter attending numerous weddings and bridal parties in the past few weeks, CATHERINE AWUOR shares some of what she learnt
December had a record number of weddings. Many people had to attend more than two every Saturday. With the weddings, came bridal showers and stag nights and pre-weddings and a whole lot of other wedding-related stuff. The situation wasn't much different in Tanzania where I finished up the year. They do weddings in style there, with a bridal shower, kitchen party and send off party before the wedding.
This Saturday and the next two or three, I'd like to look at the advice the couple, more so the girl is given. Okay, I realise that sentence reads like the beginning of a lecture, but this article won't be that bad. Having had a number of friends get married last year and having attended a record number of advice-giving sessions, I figured I'd share what I learnt. You see, with these things, they not only talk to the bride-to-be, they insist that all unmarried girls pay attention. There actually was a lot of sense spoken, but you know me, I'd rather highlight the nonsense (and that's a collective opinion not mine) that was said.
Here's a list, not in any particular order, of some of the 'words of wisdom' they chose to impart.
1) Put God first, then your husband and your children.
Sounds great if taken at face value. Perfect ingredients for a happy home, God first in everything, then total devotion to your husband and kids. Problem is, the people giving the advice have some pretty weird advice on how the husband first thing goes. I've stated repeatedly that I'm not a feminist, however there are certain ideas I just don't buy. Apparently, we are still supposed to sit up with a warm meal waiting for him at whatever time he comes home. Oh, hell no, the brother better learn to use the microwave. In addition, as the woman, it's your responsibility to take care of him. They aren't talking only cooking, you need to make sure he brushes his teeth, washes his underwear, replaces torn underwear etc. Help me out here; the man is thirty and the girl's supposed to remind him to wash his underwear? What was his mother telling him the first years of his life? How do you go about it anyhow? "Honey, I love you, but you really should wash your underwear with soap and water." There's a verse repeatedly quoted at these functions. Something about the man being the head of the household. God have mercy on marriages if the head of the household has to be reminded to brush his teeth.
They say one needs to work at a marriage to make it a success: what they're describing here is hard labour. Isn't it written somewhere that you should love others as you love yourself? In my books, that means the list should read God first, you, then your hubby, but what do I know, I'm just a selfish single person thoroughly enjoying my life.
2) It's your responsibility to make sure your husband stays faithful.
Again, makes perfect sense if you take it as it is. The woman should make sure she maintains her appearance and stays attractive. Take a bath (yes, apparently some women need to be reminded of this), do your hair etc. Now that you have a ring on you finger, it's not time to pile on the kilos. A stocking on your head when sleeping will probably be a bit much. If he is still attracted to what he has at home he won't stray.
At bridal showers, kitchen parties or whatever name they give them, the advice goes a bit further. My favourite of the past year is this gem from Tanzania. The person you could lose your husband to is the house girl. Never let her into your bedroom, you must always make the bed and clean the room yourself. If your husband comes home during the day and he finds her making the bed and he sleeps with her, who's fault is it? If you leave home while your husband is asleep, instruct him to just cover the bed with the duvet, bedcover etc and you'll make the bed when you get home in the evening. Okay, men help me out here, is it that a man sees a bed with a woman next to it and that equals let's have sex? They went further and said you should always serve your husband his meals. If you let the maid do it, pretty soon he'll want to know what else she can do. Wait, I'm thinking, if he's a boss somewhere, should I also go to his office every other hour to serve him coffee? I figure if the secretary serves him coffee daily, he might wonder what else she can serve.
Whatever happened to people being responsible for their actions? "Honey, I'm sorry I cheated on you, but you really should have made the bed yourself and not let the house girl do it."
If I'll be making sure he washes his underwear, someone should tell him that he'd better work to make sure I'm not looking across the room at that clean colleague who probably washes his underwear.
Okay, that's two we've looked at. This might actually take more than the three Saturdays I'd thought it would.
Moral lesson number one of this series comes as a question: what are these teachings based on anyway? Every marriage is different, (again that's my humble opinion) so if one's husband didn't wash his underwear, is that justification enough to scare every prospective wife? Also, given that the previous generation were mainly housewives (I can't recall the politically correct term) is it fair to expect the modern day woman to be able to do everything as it was done then? You may argue that she should be bright enough to separate the good advice from the bad, true, however, remember some of these girls are coming straight from their parent's homes to his home. Never stayed alone, didn't interact much with other girls, mummy and her friends and now hubby know best: recipe for disaster.
To all whose bridal showers, kitchen parties and counselling sessions are serving as the basis of this series, thank you for sharing.
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