Next US First Lady could be �African�
First came the collapse of the British empire. That was about 90 years ago.
Now the papers are reporting that the island nation is facing a massive collapse of something less imperial - the British libido.
This is a story that can easily be spoilt in the retelling, so let�s leave as it was reported in The Times:
"Stress, it appears is the new contraceptive. It�s free, it won�t give you deep-vein thrombosis, and you don�t have to remember to take it every morning.
"British couples are apparently voting with their slippers and using bedtime to talk about their problems rather than make love � A study by Horlicks of more than 1,000 adults has found that 70 per cent see bed as the perfect place to talk to their partner about their problems, for up to an hour, before going to sleep."
What greater killer of romance can there be than a chat about the boss� business plan or little [Mwangi�s] refusal to eat his greens, all the while wrapped up in your favourite shapeless [night gown].
A friend was amazed recently to find her son and daughter in the marital bed. They were propped up on the pillows, wearing spectacles, and debating whether they could afford a new car. When asked what they were doing, they explained: "Playing Mummies and Daddies".
"So this is where the great experiment that was women�s liberation has taken us: to a dismal shrivelling of the libido. A � survey last year found that 57 per cent of women and 48 per cent of men claim to be working longer hours than when Labour came to power. Given an extra hour in bed, 38 per cent of men and a staggering 67 per cent of women said they would choose sleep over sex.
"No wonder there are many haggard women; and so many gloomy men ogling their secretaries."
We have to make an exception for one woman, Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of the seemingly unstoppable Democratic Party nominee to challenge President George Bush for the American presidency.
She is 60, a mother of three, and looks anything but haggard. With Kerry scattering the field of his Democratic rivals in the race to be nominated the party�s presidential candidate, and opinion polls showing him ahead of Bush, attention is focusing on his multi-millionaire wife who is described by The Guardian of London as "tempestuous, eccentric � and volatile".
Perhaps we should pray for a Kerry victory, because then, an "African" woman, will become America�s First Lady.
I am obviously getting carried away a little, but Teresa�s father was a Portuguese doctor in Mozambique. Teresa was raised in Mozambique, according to The Independent, "amidst the tennis-and-cocktails of colonial life in Africa. But she shocked her parents by joining anti-apartheid marches while at college in South Africa".
If Kerry wins, in keeping with time-honoured African tradition, we have to claim his wife as one of our own "who grew up just across here" � as the elders would say.
Indeed, even science now tells us that we have always underestimated the goodness of women. The Times last Thursday reported that pain hurts less when women are administering it.
Psychologist David Williams of the University of Westminster discovered this as part of his PhD thesis. He tested volunteers of both sexes by asking them to put their fingers in clamps, which were then tightened until the volunteers could take no more.
Female experimenters had to apply a more intense stimulus than males to reach the pain threshold, the paper said. The research indicates that pain is felt more when it is expected. And most people do not expect a woman to inflict as much pain as a man, so they feel it less.
What is the use of all this, you might ask. Williams says it has significant implications for clinical and research practices. For example, that you are better off having your teeth pulled out by a female dentist, or getting an injection administered by a female nurse, than a bearded doctor.
Notwithstanding Williams� discovery, most mysteries of life remain unsolved. What better place to be reminded of this truth than in India, where a few days ago, the pundits were again trying to untangle the old mystery of why people fall in love with their tormentors.
Nirbhay Gujjar, one of India�s most-feared bandits, had a lavish wedding. This was no usual wedding. Gujjar, who lives by kidnapping and boasts of 100 murders, began the journey to the wedding four years ago when he abducted an attractive young woman at gunpoint in the central Indian area where he operates, intending to exchange her for a ransom. His captive was 18-year-old Neelam Gupta.
There was no money for Neelam�s ransom, and as the negotiations dragged on, the frightened teenager spent months being shuttled from hideout to hideout in the wild country between the states of Madhya Pradesh and Uttar Pradesh.
After the dull routine of her village life, a correspondent for The Times in Delhi writes, Neelam developed a taste for the life of a bandit. She was also falling in love with her ruthless but handsome abductor, who is 20 years her senior. Before long, they were living as man and wife, plotting kidnappings together, and giving orders to his gang.
The couple has eluded a small army of police dedicated to hunting them down. In keeping with their style, they had their spectacular wedding right under the noses of the police. The groom arrived on a white stallion with 200 followers, including armed guards who fired a volley of AK47 rifles as the couple exchanged their vows.
The hundreds of guests included other bandit chieftains, backwoods police bosses, lawyers, and the bride�s parents - who now bless the union.
After all-night ceremonies in a marigold-draped Hindu temple built with the bandit chief�s stolen money, the guests enjoyed dancing and a feast washed down by imported whisky.
The humiliation of the police was complete when it emerged that the wedding had indeed been eagerly anticipated in local newspapers! The police struck back, chasing down the couple and ambushing them while they were on their honeymoon. The newlyweds managed to shoot their way free. A most unusual couple, a most unusual way to spend one�s honeymoon.
Only in India!
Mr Onyango-Obbo is Nation Media Group�s managing editor for convergence and syndication.
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