By Hilary Joseph Bainemigisha
March 12 - 18, 2004
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A man meets a girl. They exchange smiles, a hello, phone numbers and meet later over drinks. They maintain communication, meet more often, start holding hands and later graduate it into caresses.
If either is married, they will have cheated the partner. But where exactly, at what point on the love process did they become guilty of infidelity? When should right thinking members of society call a person a cheat? Just like women, LC V chairmen, Operation Return Museveni and other figures on the national dining table are giving Museveni a blank cheque today, if 2007 comes and the retired General is still the boss, at what point in time will he have earned his third term? When he got the idea? When he sacked critics? Or when he swore in for the fifth term? My workmates gave me answers as varied as the details on the Movement raid on Pafo in Jinja last weekend. Some said the standards cannot be the same for men and women. Many opined that, in the same way police protects pro-third term rallies and disperse an anti-third term gatherings (empty tins), men and women cannot merit the same standards. That men have no case to answer if they have not had penetrative sex yet, but women must be hanged if they even allow a guy to extend an arm shake beyond their elbow. But most women castigated the double standards. They said people cheat the moment they get feelings for another. That once you do something that makes you feel guilty, one, which you cannot share with your partner in a conversation, you are cheating already. However, attraction is spontaneous and not necessarily solicited. What matters is the intention. A woman who interacts with a man, with the express intention of seducing him cheats on her husband. And a woman who encourages a man�s explicit seductive signals is similarly guilty. But some school of thought believed that it would be unfair to charge someone who aborts mission at the kissing stage. That a man, who withdraws his claims to presidency for the sake of the Constitution, after everybody has handed in memoranda of open terms should be praised and later, buried in the Heros�s corner. Anyway, whether infidelity begins at the peck, the first exchange of love gestures, first kiss, or at sex is a puzzle whose answers vary and evolve from person to person, couple to couple, even within a single relationship over time. Legally, adultery, according to Uganda�s penal code, must involve carnal knowledge - penetrative sex. If Migereko, with his manhandling zeal, pounced on a man he found kissing his woman, he would be guilty of assault because kissing does not constitute adultery. When Bill Clinton interacted with Monica Lewinsky, he explained that he did not have sex with her. But Hillary felt cheated. And Jesus once implied that whoever looks at a woman and has to readjust the fly of his trouser, is guilty already. I also don�t consider people who fondle, finger and kiss others deeply to be innocent just because they never pulled the trigger. Someone who raids Barlonyo camp doesn�t have to invade Kampala to be declared a threat to government. Most of us want exclusive sexual access to our partners. And whether we have been cheated on should be allowed to depend on us as individuals. Women have higher standards. According to www.reviewjournal.com, their concept of cheating is more of emotional intimacy than physical. �If my husband is emotionally into it with another woman, I�m really upset � much more upset than I probably would be if he had a one-night stand on a business trip�, one woman is quoted to have said. Women frown on any development of strong emotional bonds with someone else � even if it is a pen pal he will never see, an online friendship, a cute dancer on stage, or mere sex talk that is a little flirtatious. Others don�t like internet chats whose content is intimate. Others don�t like their men to discuss relationship issues that reveal deep information about themselves with others. But for a man, cheating concerns are much more territorial and on a woman�s body. A man�s definition of cheating includes physical activity. It is rare for a guy to consider flirting, caressing, fondling, kissing and even oral sex to technically qualify as cheating on his partner just because it came short of intercourse. While some men will cry foul when a wife goes with an OB for a bottle of beer without their knowledge, many will not give a hoot if their girlfriends took sexual rides with fellow girls. Lesbianism is not a threat because those other girls don�t have goring horns. [EMAIL PROTECTED]
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� 2004 The Monitor Publications
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