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What would you do if you found out your teenage daughter was having an affair with a married man old enough to be her father?
Beatrice is a 44-year-old teacher, married with one child. She is currently in counselling following a horrifying discovery. She blames herself for what has happened and her biggest fear right now is what — and how — to tell her husband. She is literally falling apart as she imagines what he will do.
“When I found out that my 19-year-old daughter was dating a 54-year-old married man, who also happens to be a family friend, my dreams for my only child were shattered. I immediately began blaming myself. Where had I gone wrong? Like a mother who bandages a child’s cuts and scrapes, I wanted to ‘fix’ Nancy.
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was around mid-February and Nancy had invited me out to lunch. This was not unusual. I have strived to cultivate a close relationship and free communication between us. I looked forward to chatting with her about her studies at Nairobi University, which she had recently joined. Although we’ve had our ups and downs in our 19 years together as mother and daughter, we were particularly close at that time, something I’m sure any mother would be proud of.
When I met her in the campus parking lot, I could tell something was wrong. She offered a rather languid greeting before getting into the car. I noticed she immediately crossed her hands over her lower abdomen but didn’t think too much of it. Perhaps that was my instinct warning me! We didn’t talk much as I drove to our favourite restaurant for lunch.
There was hardly any small talk and as soon as we had placed our orders, Nancy abruptly announced, ‘Mum, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you: I’m pregnant.’ Her announcement absolutely stunned me. In retrospect, there had been some warning signs and yet here I was, taken completely by surprise.
I straightened my plate and cutlery, avoiding eye contact with her. Then I picked up the menu and read it over and over, as if I hadn’t heard what she had said. ‘Mum, did you hear me?’ Nancy demanded, interrupting my trance.
‘Yes, Nancy, but you must be wrong,’ I remembering stammering. ‘You can’t be pregnant — you’ve been without a boyfriend and besides, you’re a Christian and the Bible says it’s a sin...’ I didn’t really know what I was saying but I had to say something.
Nancy retorted that maybe my version of the Bible said that; hers certainly didn’t. Still, I couldn’t believe it. I desperately wanted her to tell me she was joking. Instead, all she said was, ‘Mum, you don’t understand.’
Anything else I wanted to say got stuck in my throat and then the tears began to fall. I could not believe what she was saying. I remember taking out my handkerchief and mopping my tears. I didn’t want her to see me crying, but how could I not cry when my only child, a mere 19-year-old college student, was pregnant?
‘Oh Lord! Oh Jesus!’ I said again and again. It was a while before I managed to ask in a strangled voice, ‘Who’s responsible?’
It was another long while before she replied. The answer was a lot worse than the announcement that she was pregnant.
‘Mr Bramwel.’
I was confused. Which Bramwel could she mean? But I knew. The only Bramwel I had ever known was one who happened to be a close family friend — and married.
This was too much for me and my brain couldn’t process the heavy information fast enough. ‘It’s not Bramwel our friend, is it?’ I pleaded.
When she neither denied nor confirmed, it hit me that our family friend was responsible for my teenage daughter’s pregnancy. This was shocking enough, but that a close family friend was responsible was overwhelming. I felt numb. Suddenly I was sweating heavily and my hands were shaking. It was my worst nightmare. I couldn’t think clearly and further conversation was impossible, so we left the restaurant without eating. I don’t know how I managed to drive home. I was in shock but the thought that kept ringing in my mind was how to break the news to Nancy’s step-father, my husband of 16 years.
For weeks following my daughter’s revelation, I couldn’t eat or sleep. I cried constantly. Hearing that Nancy had died would have been easier to bear. It seemed all the dreams I had for my only child had been shattered. A thousand questions ran continuously through my mind all beginning with ‘why?’ I didn’t think I could continue to live, knowing my daughter was pregnant by someone who was 54 and married.
Our family is well known in our local Christian community. I am involved in the Christian women’s meetings and evangelistic crusades. Nancy was also active in our large church as a choirgirl and part-time Sunday school teacher. Now only God knows if her profession of faith was genuine.
I still haven’t gathered the courage to tell my husband about our daughter’s pregnancy. We have always disagreed on some aspects of parenting; he is of the view that I am continuously spoiling Nancy by giving her too much undeserved freedom and that I am slow to reprimand her for gross mistakes. With what has happened, our relationship will become even more complicated. I know my husband will be very angry; I fear he might even walk out on us or blame me for the whole thing.
One question he likely to ask is why I didn’t know my daughter was seeing this man, or how she could call herself a Christian, or what I have done to make her date such an old man. I just don’t know what to do. I have thought of advising her to get an abortion. This seems to be the only way the matter can be settled quietly.
I have always loved having a daughter. I loved dressing Nancy up in pink, frilly outfits trimmed in ribbons and lace when she was little. Her father died when she was quite young and I have raised her together with my second husband, who is a prominent doctor in a private hospital.
My husband has noticed the change in me and tried to pry the problem out of me, but my fear is just too great and I can’t tell him. Sometimes I think of dying, committing suicide and forgetting this problem. But then again, I don’t know how — or I don’t have the guts.
I have not told anyone apart from my closest friend in church. She has been understanding and supportive. She is against abortion under any circumstances. Her advice is that I keep the matter away from other church members. I have become uncharacteristically quiet among my colleagues and friends at work. I can’t talk to anybody about this. I am confused, embarrassed and devastated.
At first, I blamed myself. I wondered where I had gone wrong. I wanted to ‘mend’ Nancy, to pull her onto my lap like I did when she was little and correct the mistake. I keep praying and asking God to give me another chance.
Looking back, I remember once overhearing Nancy talking to someone on her mobile phone. The conversation seemed overly affectionate but I didn’t make the connection between her and this old man. He has been a family friend for over 20 years. Until I knew he was responsible for Nancy’s pregnancy, he seemed like a respectable and upright, law-abiding citizen. Since Nancy revealed their relationship to me, I have not seen him in our home, although he continues to meet my husband once in a while for drinks and a round of golf.
I haven’t met my daughter since her revelation, but we talk by phone nearly every week. Nancy sends me e-cards with lovely floral designs that she says remind her of me. She is waiting for me to tell her father, but I just can’t. Several times I have been tempted to tell the man’s wife about Nancy’s pregnancy and who is responsible, but then again I fear being the bearer of bad tidings.
It may sound strange but in all this time I have never thought of my young Nancy indulging in sexual activities. How wrong I was! How I wish I had spoken to her about the pitfalls of engaging in sex at such a young age! I just want to be with her as a mother, not as an adversary. I feel it’s vital to grasp the moment — I may not have another chance to love her. I’ve seen too many parents lose that chance forever by cutting off all contact with their young pregnant daughters.
My friend keeps telling me that she knows God is bigger than my family problem and Nancy’s out-of-wedlock pregnancy. She says that all I can do is give Nancy to God because I cannot change her situation; only God can. I love her as only a mother can, but I know God loves her more.
I feel my role is to be her intercessor, to be on my knees praying for her and trusting God for the outcome.”
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